screwing up big time and need help

[elvencat]

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I need to hear something positive.

Unfortunately, I can't cut the internet. Here's the info on the living situation:

We have a basement apartment at his mother's house. (She loves me BTW and can't believe he wants me to go.. which means it's hard for her to stay neutral.) She pays for the cable/internet/phone because it covers the whole house, not just our apartment. She has another house that she's offered to let me live in practically rent free, but the previous tenants trashed it and it's taking a while for us to get things cleaned up enough to be liveable. H has his own set income because he's on disability for a mental health disorder. He's medicated and stable, but it's been hard for me to not blame the illness for this situation when that kind of thinking obviously does me no good. I am on leave from work at this point, so I don't have an income. I did this with the reassurance from H that we'd be ok living on my student loans and his SS payments while I finished my Master's. He and I agreed that I was way too stressed working full time and going to school. But now that leaves me with no income and with very limited funds. I really don't want to go back to the job I'm on leave from so I guess I'm going job hunting.

I thought it'd be better to wait it out and spend the time working on DBing, but I'm beginning to think I have co-dependent issues that I really need to work on before any good can happen. I'm even beginning to think it might be for the best if I do move into that house without him and see if working on myself, by myself, works more than living with him and being the pursuing, whining person I (and he) can't stand.

I want to be near him, but being near him right now seems to bring out the worst in me, which is bad because I always thought being near him put me in the best frame of mind. Even now he can make me laugh even when I'm so angry and hurt.