I know that you are operating alot on guilt but we really do teach people how to treat us. As others have said in the past, you really need to nip this in the bud. Her dialogue or lack there of is very disrespectful and you are basically allowing her to treat you poorly.
What you may do is spend a ton of time outside of the house. Don't try, just do it. Get busy GAL, have some fun. Be home to eat and to sleep for the most part.
As to what CanadianKid is saying. Some people are going to treat you poorly no matter what you communicate. The choice is for them to be gone, or you to be gone - or one or both tolerate it.
The treatment does get worse over time, because they gain confidence in it.
Exactly. Its a boundary that needs to be set. And can be set in a civil way. I don't believe that this will get better unless you make it clear that you won't accept being spoke to that way. The stranger principle stated earlier in this thread would serve as a solid guide.
Its your life, but being a martyr is not going to make this situation better. Just my $.02.
W calls out to me "I want one of these" I get up and walk over to hear and on her computer screen was a banana split. I laughed and asked "you want a banana split?" and she shook her head yes, then I said did you want me to go get you one? she shrugged her shoulders then shook her head yes. I did not get up immediately I sat there for a bit, then went and got ready to go. W then asked "where you going" and I replied "To the icecream, you still want a banana split right" she said yes then I asked "did you want to go with me and take the dog for a ride?" she thought about it and said "yeah" and so we went.
OIN,
From this description, it seems that when you two are getting along, she acts like a child and you act like the parent. It may be that this is a problem in the longterm relationship. She needs to grow up and be a mature woman, but with you she is a child. Perhaps she senses that to grow up she needs to break up with you. This is something that could be dealt with in marital counseling. It's not necessary to get rid of a relationship to change its dynamic.
And I don't advise trying to change every little thing about her, like non-word responses. If you can't let some things go, you will argue about everything. I am always amazed at the amount of time I spend holding my tongue about the things that my H does that bother me. And then he will do something nice and I realize it was worth it not to nit-pick about all that stuff, because if I had said something, he would not feel like doing something nice for me.
As I said before, you can choose a time and then tell her nicely that while you two still live together, you request that she treat you at least as well as she would treat a stranger. This still gives her the ability to determine what they means in various circumstances. It is not the same as objecting to uh-hunh answers, which is being petty. It is looking at the larger picture and acting adult. Look at the story above. How did she tell you what she wanted?
Quote:
I laughed and asked "you want a banana split?" and she shook her head yes, then I said did you want me to go get you one? she shrugged her shoulders then shook her head yes.
That's non-verbal. She shook her head, or she shrugged her shoulders. In that case, it was cute and you understood what she meant. But then other times you object to hearing ummm, or uh-hunh, but it is the same thing. This is how you two interact. If you criticize her for it, she will be offended. She is doing what works for her.
OIN has already stated previously that his wife, prior to the bomb, was very communicative. She is choosing to engage him verbally in a disrespectful, passive aggressive way. And he's allowing it. While its true that it was wrong for OIN to treat his wife poorly, to say hurtful and belittling things to her prior to the bomb, she shares some of the responsibility because healthy people with healthy boundaries don't let people treat them poorly.
The only difference now is that they have switched roles. It didn't work for her to be a doormat for him and it isn't going to work for him either. I'm not suggesting being rude or aggressive, I very much like the way Lotus describes setting that boundary.
I also think, even though it may be counterproductive, its time to ask her if its still her intention to move out when the other apartment is ready. At least then you'll have a solid barometer of whether what you're doing is actually helping or if its time to switch tactics.
Just my humble opinion. Either way I am impressed with the changes you have made and the effort you have put in to save your marriage.
I meant Ice Cream store, shop ect.. I never looked at it like that lotus, as a child-parent interaction. That is something that I have been trying to avoid ever since I realized how controlling I was. I am trying to develop a friendship with my W. I took the above interaction as her softening up and as you said it was "cute."
Could I not see the way or lack of her saying bye as just on of those things I need to accept for now? My W and I have had bad departures for work in the past, where an argument broke out just before one of us left for work. Could this had made her bitter about the the whole "bye" thing?
My W does say "thank you" often which she did not do a short while ago.
I went back to my old thread and scanning page by page of advice I have received and creating one big document and then I will re-read the advice as a refresher.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I also think, even though it may be counterproductive, its time to ask her if its still her intention to move out when the other apartment is ready. At least then you'll have a solid barometer of whether what you're doing is actually helping or if its time to switch tactics.
I asked my DB coach if I should do this and I was told not to. It is believed that I have made progress with my W and having a R talk our trying to gain an outlook on the future at this point is too premature.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I also think, even though it may be counterproductive, its time to ask her if its still her intention to move out when the other apartment is ready. At least then you'll have a solid barometer of whether what you're doing is actually helping or if its time to switch tactics.
I asked my DB coach if I should do this and I was told not to. It is believed that I have made progress with my W and having a R talk our trying to gain an outlook on the future at this point is too premature.
Fair enough. To be honest, I'd be tired of that crap, but thats just me. You know your wife better than we do, if you think you're seeing progress then you may well be.
