screwing up big time and need help

[elvencat]

Hi all. I've been a member for a few months, but haven't done much in the way of talking about things with anyone other than my therapist. I've read the book multiple times and yet I can't seem to stop myself from the begging, pleading, crying and general unwanted actions that drive him farther away.

Here's the story, if anyone can help me, I'd appreciate it:

DH and I have been together for 8 yrs, married for almost 6.
I thought we had a decent relationship until about a yr ago. I knew we were having problems at that point. I was depressed (on going issue - medicated for it) and having more problems than usual dealing with it. I was working a lot of hours as I'd just been made manager at work. DH was SAHD and was feeling left out of the social scene since I wasn't home a lot and he took care of the then 2yr old. Neither of us had a good friend support system.

Throughout last summer, DH was becomming more and more involved with an online community he had been a part of for years. During this time, he also reconnected with an "old friend" who he'd never been romantically involved with in the past. He started "hanging out" one night a week by meeting her at a restaurant. I trusted him and didn't complain at first, but then he started talking to her online at night instead of spending time with me when I got home from work. Well, same old story there, I got jealous demanded more time with him, he complained and I saw him even less.

The worst event before Bomb1 was, unfortunately, my birthday. I asked if we could, as a family, go to a nearby city and spend a couple days just the three of us during the weekend of my birthday. He at first said sure, so I started making plans because he's not a plan maker. Then a few days later, he asked if it could just be one night because he didn't want to spend two nights in a hotel with a 2yr old. I said, ok, so I made plans for one night. The day before we were supposed to go, he told me I'd bullied him into it and he didn't want to go at all, but because I'd already booked the hotel he didn't want to lose the deposit money. I was extremely hurt and yet tried to make the best of it. Only one of the activities I'd wanted to do happened. On the way to the hotel, we got a flat. DH got upset, said he just wanted to go to the hotel and rest. We didn't do anything else that day, and in fact he chatted on his computer and slept while I kept DD intertained all evening. We got up in the morning and he said all he wanted to do was get the tire fixed and go home. So, that's what we did.

Just a few weeks later, he was even more distant than before and I realized sommething was up, confronted him about it... and bomb1. I left for my mom's with DD and he called later that night to say he was wrong and asked me to come home. I later found out that he just couldn't stand that I'd taken DD away and according to him he didn't have any problems seeing me walk out the door, but it hurt too much to see me leaving with DD.

He promised to work on the relaitionship with me, but no therapists... no date nights... I couldn't ask for his time because he'd give me what wasn't allotted for other things.

In Feb. I finally told him I saw three options:
1. We work to make the marriage stronger and better together.
2. We stay together for the sake of DD with the understanding that's all that is expected.
3. We divorce like he originally wanted.

He thought about it and told me he liked being free to do his own thing and not feel "obligated" to keep me happy. He cares about me, but doesn't love me and feels it's pointless to work on the marriage when he feels there's no way he can be happy in it.

That was at the beginning of March. Just weeks after he told me he'd support me in leaving work to be a full time student to get my master's degree.

Due to our financial circumstances, I am still in the same house with him. I thought that this would make using the DB system so much easier because we were still in such close contact. I was so wrong. It just makes it that much easier for me to do all the things I shouldn't be doing because some days, it feels like we're still a couple and I start feeling jealous and resentful that he doesn't spend the time together with me that he used to. I finally broke down two nights ago and pushed him into telling me why he feels that trying to keep our marriage together is pointless. He finally reached his breaking point and told me that for nearly our whole marriage (?!) he'd felt that our relationship wasn't normal because I always got what I wanted and never considered his feelings in anything. I was shocked and wishing that I hadn't heard it after all. Then last night, after a Mother's Day spent without him (I went out with my Mom and Grandma instead) I had an emotional breakdown and tore into him about how unfair his comment was and why there were so many reasons he was wrong. He even has an important medical appointment coming up that he'd wanted me to go to because he wanted a "friend" to be there. I was so hurt that he wanted me there just as a "friend" that I told him he should ask his other "friend" because he spends more time with her these days than me. Today, I'm feeling remorse for the outburst and told him so, but he'd already taken me up on the suggestion and asked his "old friend" to go with him. Now I really don't know what to do. I feel so lost living with him, yet not being with him. Oh, and he also told me the only reason he's asked me to go out and do things with him lately is that he felt sorry for me and wanted me to know that he cares I feel lonely. (?!)

I really am at my wits' end. I hope someone can give me some suggestions on how to keep to the techniques without losing my cool and backsliding. I've done so much damage in such a short amount of time.