embracing change

[flowmom]

long, rambling journalling:

More and more, I am seeing that H is on his own journey. Actually, I think I always saw him that way, and was overjoyed when it seemed like our paths could be parallel as we joined in marriage.

As a person who has often struggled in life, I think I was afraid of my own neediness. I think I saw in H a man who would require me to be strong and emotionally self-sufficient, and I welcomed the challenge. In retrospect, H was the most attracted to me when I had almost no expectations of him. I saw that as being healthy -- not having expectations. I learned that as a child: expect nothing from people and you won`t be disappointed.

Exceptions to my self-sufficiency were met with harshness and grudges were held. A difficult depression that I went through when we lived together. A dip in my earning when we faced an unexpected and overwhelming bill for our new home.

Of course having children messed up the equilibrium that we had established in our 11 years together. No way could I maintain the level of financial and emotional independence that I always had. I thought that children changed the rules. I was wrong. I tried to find support and resources outside of our marriage, but we had little practical support for our parenting and financial challenges, like most nuclear families.

Now it`s time to take responsibility for my own choices. I chose a man who -- at the best of times -- was unable and or unwilling to meet the needs that most of my peers expect to have met in marriage.

I can let go of a man who does not want to be married to me, even though my love and attraction to him is as strong as ever.

And of course I struggle daily with heartbreak for my children. If I could make that deal with the devil to provide them with a happy life as an intact family, I would, without question. A mother`s happiness is intimately tied to that of her children.

And that`s where control comes in. How many times a day do I remind myself that I have no control over H`s choices, I have no control over my past choices, I cannot protect my children from the sadness and confusion that they struggle with. I have thoughts of wanting to desperately appeal to H as a father, to beg him to collaborate with me to create a semblance of family life. And I redirect, redirect, redirect. All I can do is grieve. As my children lose their innocence and experience how cruel life can be, that their father can just walk away (something completely outside of their experience as they only know intact families), so do I lose my innocence as a mother as I learn on a gut level that I cannot protect my children from the harshness of life. I guess every mother reaches that point...it`s part of that journey.

Sometimes I worry that I`m being too passive here. I am fatalistic about D now. Even though I still wish for reconciliation, I don`t believe it`s possible. Perhaps it`s a of protecting myself from disappointment...once again expecting nothing. And even if by some wild chance H wanted to come back to me, I`d be stuck with a M where I have no reasonable expectation of getting my needs met.

Perhaps a good 180 for me now would be to make space to feel my needs and commit to expressing them in healthy ways. To let people who are repelled by that fall away from my life. To make room for people who relish the give and take that makes a relationship rich. This is an area of potential growth for me. Maybe I even need to honour myself by expressing my needs to H directly, knowing that that will cement the end of my marriage to a man who cannot confront even his own needs. If I did that it would be for me. But maybe I can get the same result by writing a letter and not sending it...and not involve a man who has set a boundary that I am no longer in a R with him other than distant coparents.

PS: on the procrastination issue...mother and Smart Sister picked this affirmation for me ``I take care of business with confidence and pride``.

[Cadet]

I`d be stuck with a M where I have no reasonable expectation of getting my needs met.

Looking at what you wrote about no expectations and your choice of a H who liked no expectations, I can only ask are your "needs" reasonable for this M to survive, and do you not have to change to no expectations again if your M fails. Why not change before your marriage ends. Your H liked the fact that you were independent, self sufficient person. He still more than likely wants that.

Now he could be in MLC which might mean that no changes that you make will change his mind, however your actions in all of this might make a difference.

If I am out to lunch on this feel free to correct me.

[newmama]

I chose a man who -- at the best of times -- was unable and or unwilling to meet the needs that most of my peers expect to have met in marriage.

Do you think this makes the most sense? The walkaways can't seem to find hope during the hard times. (or choose to escape with an OW) Not everyone is strong enough to be married. (I have no clue how to tell so I won't be getting married again!)

But I do have a q for you- what were your needs in the marriage? You said your H didn't meet the needs that your peers expect in a marriage.

[idontunderstand]

It sounds to me like you are well on you way to that great destination known as detachment. It is a terrible journey, but a necessary one.

Of course having children messed up the equilibrium that we had established in our 11 years together. No way could I maintain the level of financial and emotional independence that I always had. I thought that children changed the rules. I was wrong.

Me too.

And of course I struggle daily with heartbreak for my children. If I could make that deal with the devil to provide them with a happy life as an intact family, I would, without question. A mother`s happiness is intimately tied to that of her children.

I am right there with you. As you said, we can only control ourselves. It doesn't make it any easier, though. The kids are innocent. BTW, my W is the one who says the kids will be fine. This after telling me she couldn't have hand picked a better father for the kids. I guess I spent too much time being a good dad and not enough being a good husband. Like you, I always thought there would be time for "us" after the kids grew up or a least got a little older. Now I know better. Hopefully not too late.

Again, you are a strong person. We all learn from our mistakes. You will be a better person for all of this mess. All we can do is try to lesson the pain on our kids and love them and cherish them. And I know that you do!

(((FM)))

[flowmom]

Thanks for your replies.

Looking at what you wrote about no expectations and your choice of a H who liked no expectations, I can only ask are your "needs" reasonable for this M to survive

I'm not sure I understand your question...can you explain?

and do you not have to change to no expectations again if your M fails

Yes, good point.

Why not change before your marriage ends. Your H liked the fact that you were independent, self sufficient person. He still more than likely wants that.

Just to clarify, I've expected less and less from my M in recent years. I don't think he'd fault me for expecting too much of him as a husband. I've always been independent and self-sufficient as a W, but I wasn't able to be as a mother. I have had to rely on him for his help and financial support. Becoming financially independent is a 180 that I need for myself at this point. But being emotionally self-sufficient is NOT a 180 for me...I've been there for years.

[Gardener]

fm,

Perhaps a good 180 for me now would be to make space to feel my needs and commit to expressing them in healthy ways. To let people who are repelled by that fall away from my life. To make room for people who relish the give and take that makes a relationship rich. This is an area of potential growth for me. Maybe I even need to honour myself by expressing my needs to H directly, knowing that that will cement the end of my marriage to a man who cannot confront even his own needs. If I did that it would be for me. But maybe I can get the same result by writing a letter and not sending it.

Seven enthusiastic "Yes's" for seven very insightful sentences..

`I take care of business with confidence and pride.`

Gardener likes this and is going to steal it!

[Cadet]

I`d be stuck with a M where I have no reasonable expectation of getting my needs met.

Looking at what you wrote about no expectations and your choice of a H who liked no expectations, I can only ask are your "needs" reasonable for this M to survive

You partially answered this question about your "needs" 180 for financial,
I am asking if there are any other "needs" that you are not mentioning.
Do you really have to have these "needs" met in your R?
Or is this just wishful thinking?

[flowmom]

OK newmama and OP, I am going to tackle some of the needs that have been unmet or inconsistently met in my M:

--

I need attention and quality time (not a lot, just a little)

I need affection (I am NOT clingy or demanding in this area, just looking for the basics)

I need to be spoken to and treated with respect

I need to be in a M where the inevitability of conflict is acknowledged, and where both parties are able and willing to work on finding a mutually agreeable way of resolving conflict

I need to feel that my husband and I can share our emotional lives with one another

When I am sick, extremely sleep-deprived, or my aunt dies, I need some sympathy and care

I need occasional verbal expressions of how I am valued

--

Probably not a complete list, but you get the idea. Unrealistic? Y'all can be the judges. These are needs that my friends and family members have generally been able to meet. H did meet some of these needs before the bad years started, but not consistently.

[newmama]

FM, I love how you word things-- instead of just saying "I need to hear compliments sometimes" you have a precise and Flowmom definition: "I need occasional verbal expressions of how I am valued"
I just love your personality! Seriously!!

"To have and to hold, til death do us part, forsake all others" etc. could be better defined as a list like the one you formulated. I realize it is personal for you, but I was reading it going "me too!" especially:

I need to be in a M where the inevitability of conflict is acknowledged, and where both parties are able and willing to work on finding a mutually agreeable way of resolving conflict

I need to feel that my husband and I can share our emotional lives with one another

I wonder if the inevitability of conflict could also mean the inevitability of discontentment at times. Like "this too, shall pass, and we can work through this rut together. It is not permanent."

[flowmom]

Thanks newmama and everyone else who gives me a boost by reading and posting.