Well here I am joining the ranks of LBS's and am trying everything I can possibly think of to continue my marriage. I am like most everyone else, minds going 200mph and 2000 directions all at once all the time!
Background: My W on 4/23/10 came home from a multi-day field trip and announced that she was done with our marriage, couldn't take it anymore and if we could financially figure out how to end it she would. We have four children, 22/19/15/13 with two in college and have been married 22 1/2 years. In retrospect all the reasons she outlined for her wanting to leave are pretty well justified in my mind - I have been a terrible husband and father to our kids - I have a huge laundry list of issues with the topmost being a sex addict and all the classic trappings that come with this devastating disorder.
Personally I have read the DB and am diligently working my 180's and doing the LRT to the very best of my strength right now - I am getting better at it every day and trying to hone my new found skills in all the techniques in the DB book. I am also on the phone coaching program as well.
What precipitated the whole WAW encounter was that my W had started a new hobby in cycling, which I do not do. She got involved with the local bike club which is made up of M & W and as she is very outgoing made friends fast. The bike trips - typically half days became a huge goal for her and I supported fully - and her new circle of friends expanded greatly. The way this group arranges rides, discuss nutrition and techniques is all pretty much through text messaging. Since the club leader is a man, it's his job to get the new people up to speed and teach them the ropes - ok I've met him and seems all on the up and up.
The text messages seemed to me to be getting out of hand, I've never read them ( I can't and also no spyware will work)but she's sending a couple thousand each month to various numbers -most of which I could identify and also justify - but there was one number that continually came up that she would go on with regularly that I couldn't pin down. Well this got my dander up and I brought up the whole texting issue in general to her and thus received the WAW in return - shes had it and just wants out.
So during the last couple of weeks I have been ok - but still could not stop going back into the text log and seeing that number come up all the time - so I did my research and intel, I found out it was the spin class instructor at her gym -OM -M that was the number she was calling most frequently - typically as soon as I left home for work or dropped of the kids etc.
I had been reading the forums here and thought I had a classic example of a EA and thought I knew how to expose it - and this is where I know now I think I blew it and hope I can still manage out of this frustrating cycle.
This last Thursday I threw it all at her - I was leaving for a long weekend to see my mom (in hospital to boot) as I simply could not contain my jealousy/fear any longer. I told her face to face that even though she was not interested in saving our marriage, I was committed to it and there was no way I could go on with her in constant contact with this man that she has sent over 500 text's to in the last 5 weeks. I told her his name and said if it didnt stop I was going to him and his wife and laying it all out - I had nothing to lose. I got the typical I can't believe you did this spying, how did you know and yes she had been texting him. She said I had not been available emotionally to her and she needs friends and he's been a good one, that's just the way it is and another reason she wants out.. She agreed to stop, but I really think it's because she does not have a final exit strategy yet or really not sure if she wants to leave.
So Friday morning she asks me call which I do - she goes on to explain that this OM is just a friend like the others in the group and she didn't say anything about him because she knew I would fly off the handle and not understand, he's a friend and that's it. She also said for me not to call his wife - his wife knows he has a number of close woman friends and often goes to the gym with the groups and cycles with all of them as well - they even leave for some rides right from his house with her there and is fully aware who's who. She's also invited me to come to class with her and on the rides as well with the group including the OM as well.
So being the understanding husband, I say if that's truly the way it is then fine, I'll let it go and trust you. She had his class this morning and has already text'd him a dozen time today and it's not even half over.
So I have blown my cover, spilled my beans, have not revealed my sources, but also have no real clue what is being said in these text's - maybe they are innocent but I doubt it. If I follow the advice I've been reading with going the the OM-W - all I have to show for it is the text logs - and I don't know if that's enough! What if I'm really wrong here and it just puts the last nail in my coffin? I am really confused and messed up here and am looking for advice - I will talk to my DB coach about it this afternoon, but it seems the DB approach is quite bit different than the forum advice.
If I do go the the OM -W route, how much longer should I wait? What other questions do I ask - what do I need to to?
Help Help - DangerDave
Last edited by DangerDave; 05/10/1006:44 PM.
Me 49 H 46 M 23yrs T 25 yrs Bomb Drop 4/2010 S22/D19/D15/S13
Same roof, different beds
"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
danger....this sounds very similar, and there are red flags i see
Quote:
she goes on to explain that this OM is just a friend like the others in the group
does she text others in the group 500 times?
Quote:
She also said for me not to call his wife
ummmm....big flag - if his W knows about this stuff then it should be no big deal letting her know that her H and your W are texint at this high frequency
all of this AFTER she tells you this
Quote:
She said I had not been available emotionally to her and she needs friends and he's been a good one, that's just the way it is and another reason she wants out..
startign to sound like justification in her mind....hopefully some of the more seasoned vets will chime in as well
gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
First off Danger, you need to shorten your posts if you can... there is so much traffic here brief and to the point tends to get more attention.
Your wife needs you to put some pressure on her to knock off the phone calls and chatting up other men.
YOU need to assign consequences to this.
What leverage do you have to persuade her to end the contact?
Children are usually a good reason to knock it off, so is a high profile job that she can't afford to be humiliated in public, etc.
In short, what can you DO to make HER life and OM's life more difficult for them?
Exposure is the most common. Reveal what they are both doing in SECRET to the WORLD...
Affairs thrive in secrecy... public exposure often takes a lot of the excitement away and trades it for stress and the humiliation of being the object of community gossip.
You will need to pressure her to knock it off...
I wouldn't even talk to her, I would put an EXPOSURE PLAN together and then start it... don't WARN her or use it to threaten her, she will just tell everyone ahead of YOU and make YOU out to be the bad guy... THIS is a race where the loser does finish last.
Write an exposure scirpt for the OMW for starters... post it here for some ideas, but get across these points :
1. My wife is having a disrespectful amount of contact with your husband, I would like this to stop 2. My wife is secretly seeing your husband, but I want to save my marriage 3. We have children who rely on our maturity and our marriage's stabiilty 4. I love my wife - any help you can offer would be appreciated
danger....this sounds very similar, and there are red flags i see
Quote:
she goes on to explain that this OM is just a friend like the others in the group
does she text others in the group 500 times?
Quote:
She also said for me not to call his wife
ummmm....big flag - if his W knows about this stuff then it should be no big deal letting her know that her H and your W are texint at this high frequency
all of this AFTER she tells you this
Quote:
She said I had not been available emotionally to her and she needs friends and he's been a good one, that's just the way it is and another reason she wants out..
startign to sound like justification in her mind....hopefully some of the more seasoned vets will chime in as well
First off Danger, you need to shorten your posts if you can... there is so much traffic here brief and to the point tends to get more attention.
Your wife needs you to put some pressure on her to knock off the phone calls and chatting up other men.
YOU need to assign consequences to this.
What leverage do you have to persuade her to end the contact?
Children are usually a good reason to knock it off, so is a high profile job that she can't afford to be humiliated in public, etc.
In short, what can you DO to make HER life and OM's life more difficult for them?
Exposure is the most common. Reveal what they are both doing in SECRET to the WORLD...
Affairs thrive in secrecy... public exposure often takes a lot of the excitement away and trades it for stress and the humiliation of being the object of community gossip.
You will need to pressure her to knock it off...
I wouldn't even talk to her, I would put an EXPOSURE PLAN together and then start it... don't WARN her or use it to threaten her, she will just tell everyone ahead of YOU and make YOU out to be the bad guy... THIS is a race where the loser does finish last.
Write an exposure scirpt for the OMW for starters... post it here for some ideas, but get across these points :
1. My wife is having a disrespectful amount of contact with your husband, I would like this to stop 2. My wife is secretly seeing your husband, but I want to save my marriage 3. We have children who rely on our maturity and our marriage's stabiilty 4. I love my wife - any help you can offer would be appreciated
And include printed evidence to show her.
Allan A has good advice. Also once the secret is gone, its less exciting.
This is EXACTLY how my husband and one of his female grad student managed the first year of their EA under my nose, texting each other 1,000x a month, mostly late at night after I'd gone to bed. If I'd caught it sooner and exposed it THEN, I wouldn't be here now.
Your wife is lying to you and you need to bust her and tell the OM's wife ASAP. Be prepared for your WW to be nasty and vindictive for exposing her secret.
This book is a classic on infidelity, over twenty years of research went into it. The forward is also written by Michele Davis so you know she's on the boat with what's said in there.
In my opinion if you are in this subforum and only have Divorce Remedy you are walking in here with only half the ammunition you need MINIMUM to deal with something this big.
