I just can't take it anymore

[james217]

Sometimes hope is not a tangible item. It would be nice if it was but it is not always the case. I am not even asking you to have hope about ANYTHING specific. What I am asking you is to make hope part of your thought pattern.

Not hope about your W, the children or anything else. Just find a way each day to realize hope does exist and will be part of your life.

Do you accept the fact you have medical and emotional problems that will not be solved overnight? Do you accept the fact you will need "outsiders" to assist you as you walk this road? Do you accept (or will you consider accepting) your body is diseased and working with your disease instead of against it might feel new/different/scary but might help create hope?

What color is your disease? Mine is purple. Don't ask me why it's purple, it's just how I think lupus looks inside of a body. Sometimes I feel disgusted that I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel scared I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel damaged I have a disease inside of me. All of those feelings are valid. Valid or not it doesn't change "the purple". What are my options? Work with it instead of against it.

What can you do RIGHT NOW to work with your disease instead of against it? What color is your disease?

Ok I’ll hope!!!! I’ll try to do better.

Yes. I do now. I see how it affects me and those I care about. It’s hard to accept it. I’m so used to being normal and able to handle any task and everyone else is used to seeing that too. It’s hard to accept it. I really is. But I’ll have to. I think I’m still sane and not messing up. I think I still things all distorted as well. Like the way I’m viewing things and think I’m acting Im not acting that way or I’m giving off the wrong perception.

Being diseased is also hard to accept. Hmm I think diabetes would be green. I don’t know why. It’s an ugly disease. I hate it. My kerataconus (cornea disease) is grey. I’ve seen pictures of it so I know that. I’m so used to being a healthy strong caring loving person. I’m not used to being a basket case of emotions. I always used to be so calm. So rational. So focused. But Over the past year so erratic and angry and just spinning out of control for awhile

I’m scared to have surgery. There’s so many things that could go wrong with this one. Plus I have a fear of needles and doctors. But I”ll have to do it.