Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

[g450]

Oh God! Why do I do this!?!

It's mothers day so I call her (I know, should not have).
She never answered. Called twice.

So I go over to her house to speak with her like an idiot and she is just coming home from somewhere. She has completely dyed her hair a different color and looks like another person.

End result is that I got emotional again and started pleading with her to go see a doctor and try to work on "us" or at least herself. WHY DO I DO THIS!?!

And once again she told me I needed to let go and that she was through with me and had no feelings for me what so ever.
Hurt like hell to hear those words once again. She was very nasty and cold towards me. Why do I have a hard time accepting this even when it's right in front of me. Her words cut to the bone yet I still keep applying band aids to the cuts and ignore them.

I had made a dvd copy of one of our home movies for he with our Son on it when he was a baby. I was going to give it to her for mothers day. I did NOT give it to her.

I told her to pull her head out of her butt and go see a doctor. To stop her long distance affair with the married guy before she destroyed another family / marriage besides our own. That did not go over well.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? When will I learn to just leave her alone? I know what I have to do but it's the doing part that I have trouble with and it is killing me.

[antlers]

Oh God! Why do I do this!?!

Because you haven't made the decision yet to STOP doing it!

At some point, a person has to value themselves enough to let go of people who don't value or respect them.

Love is not a feeling...it's a decision.
Make your decision.

[g450]

You are right Ant. My brain actually did make that decision.

It just feels like somebody forgot to tell my heart to go along with it. Still hurts and I can't turn off my love for her or what she used to be.

Maybe it's more grieving the end of my marriage more than anything else.

[Cautious]

Hello my old friend. I am sorry that I return to find you in this situation. The latest strike is still fresh, that's why your logic has gone on vacation.

I know it's cliche, but you have to give it time. And, of course, distance. Have you tried the rubber band trick? Physical pain to your arm for every irrational thought to contact her? Might be worth a shot.

I may have shared this once, but the woman who taught the divorce class stated that it takes an average of 3 years to get to acceptance at the end of a divorce. What she didn't mention was when that three years begins. It can't truly begin until you stop receiving new pains from the old relationship, now can it? Or, at the very least, each new blow would certainly hinder the healing process.

I hope that your logic comes back soon... maybe there was an airport delay?

((g450))

[Gardener]

g450,

My brain actually did make that decision.
It just feels like somebody forgot to tell my heart to go along with it. Still hurts and I can't turn off my love for her or what she used to be.
Maybe it's more grieving the end of my marriage more than anything else.

It's all these things. And more. And it's normal. And this is key.
You have tell your heart to go along with it. Repeatedly. The heart always lags.

[WalkingMan]

Take a deep breath, and start again. In my experience, it's going to take quite some time to repair the damage. You do this by dropping the rope and giving the WAW time to miss you. They have to beleive that what you are doing is real and permanant.

This plants the seed of doubt in thier mind and takes time to grow.

Drop the rope!

[g450]

This morning I sat down and watched the DVD I had made. It is basically a copy of and old VHS tape.

I now wish I had not watched it. It hurt like hell. I guess I am a glutton for punishment but I was looking for evidence of my old wife. The one that loved me etc. I still have about 7 more VHS tapes to convert to DVD so they can be preserved for me and my Son.

I felt like crap for the rest of the day and still do. I just want my FAMILY BACK! But I know I cant have that.

Question: Should I go ahead and mail her copy of the DVD to her or would this still be persueing?

I wanted her to see what our marriage was like and remind her of what she threw away by watching the video. Should I just forget about it or drop it in the mail to her? Advice?

[Gardener]

g450,

This morning I sat down and watched the DVD I had made. It is basically a copy of and old VHS tape.I now wish I had not watched it. It hurt like hell.

Don't look at old photos, videos, etc. unless you are masochistic and want to be miserable. Photos are the very first visible reminder I got rid of. Gave X the entire 4 boxes and albums of 17 years' worth. Too damn painful.

I guess I am a glutton for punishment but I was looking for evidence of my old wife. The one that loved me etc.

...and, sorry, the old wife who does not exist anymore and has already rewritten history and edited those memories, photographic evidence notwithstanding.

still have about 7 more VHS tapes to convert to DVD so they can be preserved for me and my Son.

Do it to preserve them for your son. Do not look at them. Someday it may be time. You'll know when. But not for quite a while.

I felt like crap for the rest of the day and still do. I just want my FAMILY BACK! But I know I cant have that.

I know. We all do. We know in our brain and logic.
But the heart always lags behind,
Peace to you.

p.s.

Question: Should I go ahead and mail her copy of the DVD to her

No.

or would this still be persueing?

Most definitely. And a waste of time. Worse than a waste of time.

I wanted her to see what our marriage was like and remind her of what she threw away by watching the video.

See rewriting history and editing memories, above.
Forget it. Do not send it. Save it for your son.

[g450]

Well it's been about a month of NC now and I have nothing new to report. XW doesnt want anything to do with me. No text, email or contact of any kind.

My real problem is within myself. I still obsess over her and what she is doing and who she is doing it with.

Like an idiot I looked at her facebook and classmates pages and see she has added a number of new "male friends". One in particular lives locally and used to be my Son's Scout leader 10 or so year so. AFAIK he is still married. So what the hell does she want with him? She has nothing to do with BSA and our Son is grown and on his own. WTF?

OK OK! I know I am just torturing myself. I just do not know how to detach from her to the point where I don't care what she does. How the hell do you guys do this? Somebody give me a clue please.

She was my faithful (AFAIK) wife for almost 23 years and now she is flirting with other men like a schoolgirl and it is killing me. And to think that she left me over along distance EA with her HS flame. Guess that must not have panned out for her since he was married and had five kids.

Is there some secret to this detachment stuff?

[whatisis]

My real problem is within myself. I still obsess over her and what she is doing and who she is doing it with.

Like an idiot I looked at her facebook and classmates pages and see she has added a number of new "male friends". One in particular lives locally and used to be my Son's Scout leader 10 or so year so. AFAIK he is still married. So what the hell does she want with him? She has nothing to do with BSA and our Son is grown and on his own. WTF?

OK OK! I know I am just torturing myself. I just do not know how to detach from her to the point where I don't care what she does. How the hell do you guys do this? Somebody give me a clue please.

She was my faithful (AFAIK) wife for almost 23 years and now she is flirting with other men like a schoolgirl and it is killing me. And to think that she left me over along distance EA with her HS flame. Guess that must not have panned out for her since he was married and had five kids.

Is there some secret to this detachment stuff?

What is your obsessing keeping you from doing otherwise? Do we keep up the misery because it's comforting in some way, we're used to it? Is there something out there that is more scary to deal with than the pain of what you're doing now?
Hey, move over Dr. Phil, I am hot tonight!