No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[JacT]

I know it must be so difficult.You are getting very close now to fixing your sitch.The detachment is key and after 9 months, I am just getting to the point where I believe I am almost there cos I dont think or care as much about what he is doiing.
These OP are vile creatures and shouldnt share the same air we breath, in my view.
Your wife as I said is a very lucky woman and perhaps as I suggested previously maybe a family weekend away to a favourite place may just be that final jigsaw piece that lets your W see what shes missing, her family.
I think shes nearly there Bond ,take care you ar our lighthouse so keep the ligt burning.(((hugs

[MrBond]

Thanks JacT. Same to you.

I hope you had a great Mother's Day.

[sandi2]

You know I am on your side, right? But when I read this, it really worried me:

So I told her, how much of "their interests" did she consider when she had her A with her boss. And to think if she really thought of them when she was cheating. That shut her down.

It may sound cruel, but hey it is what it is. She threw all that stuff at me emotionally/verbally when she was in her position of "power" and all I'm doing is repeating what she said.

I had a couple to ask if I would talk with them. She had an A and he cannot keep from bringing it up. Yesterday she told me that if he makes any reference to the A again that she is through forever. She cannot heal b/c it is like picking at a scab on a sore. When I spoke to him I asked him what was it going to take to stop him throwing it up in her face. He doesn't know. He says he just can't help himself.

I belive you are stronger than that, Stuck. You are a bigger man than that. Listen sweetie, if my H had thrown my A in my face just one time.....just once....I would have been out of here so fast his head would spin. But after we talked and I asked him if he was going to bring up OM's name, he said he would not mentioned his name again. And, he hasn't. Do you know how much I love him for that???

You.....not your wife, but you, are keeping the R from healing. For the longest time it was your wife, but after OM left was the perfect time that the two of you could move forward. It has improved. But why do you insist on constantly punishing her? She will give up....if you continue to do this....and you can say that isn't what you're doing, but it is. You can say all the terrible things that she did to you, and you'd be right. But has it made the love sweeter? Does it make her loving you easier? Think about it Stuck, don't you want it to be easy for your W to love you....or do you want to give her reason to wonder why she thought it would ever work out?

I doubt that she has asked you what she can do to make things better, has she? B/c being a WAW, I think I know the shame she probably feels but maybe can't bring herself to say how sorry she is....if she feels you are acting like a judge and jury. My H had to wait a very long time before I finally went with a repentant heart and told him I was sorry for what I did. I had told him in the beginning that I was sorry he was hurt, but not for what I did. I can't tell you why it's so hard, but it is. Maybe it's pride, IDK.

Just remember that no matter how much you may feel she deserves the harsh statements you throw in her face, that is the very thing that will stop the R in its tracks and you start all over at square one. It used to be her fault, but what about now?

LBH's like to talk about how love is a decision........well, so is forgiveness. Sometimes, we have to make that decision to forgive over & over & over.....every day.

You're one of my very favorite people and that is why I am telling you this. I don't think I'd be a good friend if I could see this in your writings and not point it out.

Sandi

[MrBond]

Thanks for the 2x4 Sandi.

That's the problem with where I'm at that I'm trying to deal with in T. There are times I detach too much and have that "I don't give a damn" attitude. I'm learning how to get that under control.

Actually it's funny. I was just thinking about you and that I needed your insight about this past weekend.

On Sunday, my Ds and I picked up my W and we first went to Mass together. In the whole church full of happy families, my W didn't even crack a smile. She seemed (for lack of a better term) ashamed or guilty. She didn't even go up for Communion.

Afterwards, we went to lunch together and I felt that old wall coming back up again. Big change from the progress in the past weeks, but to be expected from what I've heard. She also had a hard time looking at me in the eyes when we were talking and was much more withdrawn.

I got this feeling of immense guilt coming from her. It was almost as if she felt...helpless. As if she created this train wreck and could see no other option but to see it to the crash because she "felt" like it. I don't know.

Were you ever in that position? When you had your doubts of coming back?

I was surprised that she called my mom to wish her Happy Mothers Day and even called her "Mom".

[MrBond]

Oh BTW,

I get what you said about her feeling ashamed. I think, however, she's more ashamed at being a disappointment to our D's than to me.

[sandi2]

As if she created this train wreck and could see no other option but to see it to the crash because she "felt" like it. I don't know.

Were you ever in that position? When you had your doubts of coming back?

I find it hard to believe she would feel like chosing to see the crash, but more that she feels powerless. I can say that b/c I was in that position. Not as long as your W has been, but yes I certainly had doubts and wondered which way would be less painful.....to watch the crash (with the train running over me) or for me to take off running.

The shame was over-whelming for her Sunday. Nothing brings shame like feeling like a bad mother. And....unless it's abuse, what could make you feel more like a bad mother besides having an A? Everytime my kids get me one of those mushy Mother's Day cards, I always wish I could live up to what the verse says. She didn't take communion b/c of her guilt and probably thinking she didn't deserve it (IDK).

I'm wondering if when you see her as acting "cold"....if that's when she is dealing with her own personal demons. I guess you've tried different things to see if you could pull her out of it. You know her best and what she will respond to, so show compassion toward this woman you love and I truly believe that it will help to heal the wounds.

[MrBond]

I think she is dealing with her own demons, because she's actually living the life that she despised. She knows she can always come home, but I think she sees her sister's place as a sanctuary where she won't get judged. Of course all of this is incredibly selfish, but it's what she chooses.

She hates not having the kids all the time, but would rather sacrifice that than to have a life that she "feels" isn't right. Of course, what she thought was right initially was life with married OM.

Personally I still think she's confused inside. I don't know how else to describe her behavior where she planned the OM's going away party WITH his W. And didn't think it would hurt me.

I think that's the main thing. There are times when I'm still an after-thought to her, but she has been putting in an effort.

As for yesterday, well I tried a couple of things.

First I asked her what was wrong. And I got a "nothing".

Later in the day, I hugged her and she quickly broke it off.

So I didn't pursue it.

I'm wondering though if I should write her a quick note to say that I'm here if she wants to talk or directly talk to her about her problems. For years, she's held things in and I never pursued. It's what got us to this point in the first place. IDK. Something different I suppose.

[sandi2]

She will probably always say there's nothing wrong. Typical female answer. You might tell her you noticed that she seemed a bit down and ask her what you can do to help her feel better. All you can do is open the door and if she won't accept the invitation, then don't try to get her to talk. You may have to kid around, tease, etc. to get her out of the mood if she won't talk.

[Coach]

She knows she can always come home, but I think she sees her sister's place as a sanctuary where she won't get judged. Of course all of this is incredibly selfish, but it's what she chooses.

Do you see why she would choose to live there?

Make your home safe for her, make it desirable for her.

[pigskin]

On Sunday, my Ds and I picked up my W and we first went to Mass together. In the whole church full of happy families, my W didn't even crack a smile. She seemed (for lack of a better term) ashamed or guilty. She didn't even go up for Communion.

I'm assuming you guys are Catholic. Maybe suggest to your W that she go to confession. It truly is cathartic, especially when dealing with something you feel guilty about. Receiving the Lord's forgiveness can help people forgive themselves.

It's a tough thing to do, as I think most Catholics don't take advantage of it out of shame or embarrassment (believe me I know - I went over 20 years between confessions before I went last year, now I go pretty regularly). Once you get it out of the way, it feels great, and much easier to do on a regular basis.