Thanks, I need to find out where the OM goes. I see the OMW about once a week at church and we talk briefly about the sitch and what to do about it. Maybe I can find out from her where he goes.
The OM has a few friends on FB that I don't know and a few that I know from church. I was just going to expose to the ones I do know because of what Puppy said. I don't want to take a chance of making things worse somehow. I was just going to use the script you suggested, Allen. Not sure what I could do to make it better.
I do feel like I need to do SOMETHING at this point. I feel like I'm in limbo and I need to stir up the hornet's nest again since it's not quite where I want it. She still talks to the OM by phone.
I haven't been pursuing my wife lately, and we hardly make any physical contact. Other than that, we are getting along just fine for the last few weeks.
I went to see a lawyer a couple days ago about getting a temporary separation order. He was fairly new and got out the books to read up on it. He didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. I guess we'd have to decide who gets what and when either of us gets the kids, etc. If I go through with this, I guess I'd have to discuss these things with my wife.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
OK, I need to understand this better... you go to church and OMW says what exactly?
What strategy is she used to put an end to this thing on her end?
The thing is, that SOMETHING is the leverage you need to get your wife to act her age. That YOU aren't acting just enables her to continue, so yes, you do need to do something.
How does OMW feel about you exposing? Have you talked with her about it? This will impact her. If she IS on your side right now and the two of you are sharing some useful information you don't want to just expose and not even give her a warning. OMW should know what you are doing.
IDEALLY the TWO of you would be working together as a team with the same objectives and focus... I know that's hard to do. I have seen it done on this forum and it worked out quite well.
I would need to know OMW and where her head is at to say more on that end...
You should put together exposure scripts for each type of audience differently... they won't all be the same
The exposure script you use for one of OM's friends won't be the same you would use for a church elder for example.
What are the church officials doing? Just hiding out I take it?
When I talk to the OMW at church, she says she is using something called "Marraige Fitness", a program she paid some $400 for and she is now thinking about getting a counselor too. I don't know much about her program except that is seems to promote being nice to the spouse and she was very hesitant when I suggested detaching and not pursuing, but I did recommend the DB books and she sounded interested.
My wife and the OM stay home from church and talk to each other on the phone unless we go out of town for the weekend. The OM also calls once or twice a day while I work on weekdays. (My wife isn't calling him much anymore, but does occasionally.)
I haven't spoken to the OMW about exposing yet, but I can do that next weekend. I can't email or call because most likely the OM will receive the email or call.
I don't really have too many people to expose to, just a three or four that I know and possibly three or four that I don't know on his FB.
The church elders and pastor have spoken to the OM in the past about this and he ignores them. I may be able to persuade them to speak to him again - just not sure it would do any good.
On a side note, we had a pretty good Mother's Day. The kids gave cards and a gift to her and we went to a Mother's Day lunch sponsored by the church. She also spoke by phone to her sister, who just served Divorce papers to her husband and suffers from depression. We also have friends that just went through a divorce. Not a lot of positive role models around us unfortunately.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I just learned that in my state, adultery is punishable by imprisonment in the penitentiary for up to three years. Wondering if I should inform the wife and the OM or if I should recruit someone to be the bearer of the news, or if I should not say anything.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Don't warn them. Talk to an attourney or appropriate parties to determine how this law is enforced. You really want to hit him with it, and if he can weasle his way out and crawl back home thats fine, but if its jail its jail.
Do more research. This is a huge weapon that many of us wish we had access to.
I do not know much about Mort Fertel's Marriage boot camp, but I do not think it is designed to end an affair. Most claim to address affairs but very, very few address ongoing affairs. Most of those expensive programs are full of stuff available online for free here, @ MB and on SYMC.com. All recommend what you have already been advised. If you want to keep this site for you, you can send OMW to symc.com. She will hear what you have been advised (although not as gently!)
Has the pastor spoken to your wife? Has he questioned her absence from worship? Maybe it would help if he were to call and check on her every Sunday? "I noticed your family without you AGAIN. Is everything ok? Are you using the lord's time for sin?"
just sayin'
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I think you need to do some working from home. I think you also need to take some sundays at home...
I am wondering what these church officials are "saying" to OM, because he's insulting the church too if he's ignoring them.
These officials don't care as long as it's kept quiet.
I think if you told these officals you will be exposing this affair to the entire church AND that you will be making people aware that the church condones the affair might wake them up a bit.
I have seen this before where the officals don't want to stir the pot or experience any embarassment, so they make it look like they are helping you but they really are just trying to avoid a scene.
I say give them a scene to show them you aren't going to tolerate their softball tactics. I would sit with them and insist them meet YOU and OM BOTH TOGETHER in private and settle it then and there.
These officials don't care about your marriage Ken, they care about their own reputation... THAT is your leverage there... As long as the infidelity is kept quiet and your divorce is quiet they will be quite happy with it... They want to avoid a scandal and gossip mainly... they are far less concerned about the fate of your marriage. That's just the reality of it.
I would hit these officials hard. I would tell them if they aren't going to DO something about this then you will be exposing the affair to the church AND will be informing everyone how the church turns a blind eye to this sort of thing and how dissappointed you are. I really don't think these guys are on your corner here... even if you think they may be.
If I were you I would be making a scene where the OM frequents... I would have a script ready and confront OM in public and keep doing it. Take some friends of yours with you too...
Keep researching the law. You may be able to get the police involved if the info you have is accurate... You will need to learn more first... keep on that.
I met with the pastor and he is willing to to this. Now how do we convince the OM to sit down with us? And can you give us ideas for what we should say to him if he does meet with us? We can ask him, "What is your objective with my wife?" We think he will say, "To just be friends." That is what he has said before.
Also I need to ask you about a couple of other ideas the pastor and I had. What if the pastor or other church friends are willing to do the exposing. Would that be better than me doing the exposing?
I haven't been doing any R or A talk lately with my wife, but what if I ask her, "Who should file for divorce, me or you?" Is that a bad idea?
Should I ask the pastor to bring my sitch to the church board? He is willing to do that. Should he suggest censure or disfellowship of the OM? We don't think it will phase the OM, but there is that possibility.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
No big ideas here on what to say to OM. At the very least,"Your "friendship" with my wife is inappropriate and is interfering with our marriage. It must end."
YOU must do the exposing. Otherwise it becomes a gossip monster. YOu want control over what it said, at least initially. "My wife is involved with OM. I want it to end. Please encourage them to do the right thing and stop seeing and contacting each other."
Don't ask your wife about the divorce unless you are ready to do that. It will come across as manipulative and desperate. If you must know where you stand at any given moment, look at her behavior. Is she still contacting OM? You could ask her "Where do we stand?" but you may not get an honest answer.
Maybe the board could talk to him if your talk has no effect. Like the pastor could say he will take it to the board if this nonsense is still going on by their next meeting.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I met with the pastor and he is willing to to this. Now how do we convince the OM to sit down with us?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the Pastor, and his wife, sit down with you, your W, the OM and the OMW way back in your first thread? Didn't do much good then. Does he have a different plan?
Quote:
Should I ask the pastor to bring my sitch to the church board? He is willing to do that. Should he suggest censure or disfellowship of the OM?
Depending on what your church practices. So many do not exercise church discipline these days, but what about your W? Are you wanting the church to withdraw fellowship from OM but not her?
I don't neccessarily disagree with the things you've been advised, Ken, but sometimes I get the idea that you want somebody else to do the hard stuff so you won't have to be the bad guy. There's been a lot of talk about confronting the OM, but I wonder what good that would do when the problem is in the heart of your wife. The church can turn OM out, you can call him out to a show-down in public, etc., but if she want him.....then I think she is the one you need to deal with.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
