rysmom's story

[rysmom]

did your friend divorce her h after he had baby and still come back? was she young when this happened?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Rys,

It doesn't maater what happens to anyone else. It matters what YOU do. And that is it.

Your focus is all out of whack.

There are no tricks to this, there are no traps to get him back, you cannot manipulate him home.

You have got to stop being afraid to work on yourself.

To be honest...I'm not sure this is all on him.

[imLIN]

So you give him HIS bike and you don't know where he is...isn't that why he left you? So what if he is riding around with OW! He is begging for you to leave him alone and give him some peace...

I also agree that it doesn't matter what happened with anyone else's sitch...I only told you about my friend because it shows that no matter how things APPEAR we really don't know the outcome until it is done...

I picture you sitting in a corner fretting and wondering, "what is he doing now? is he saying nice things to her? is he on the computer looking at something? how can I check up on him? how can I get his attention away from OW?"

When really you need to be thinking,"What is that I need to do to be a better person? What do I need to do to be a better mom? What I can think about that will make me happy? What can I do that will make me happy? I want to control my own happiness and be happy with ME! I want to define myself by MY OWN accomplishments! I want to be the best ME! I want to be loveable! I want to likeable! I want to make new friends and do new things! I want to enjoy life because I can! I want to make my life great! I am in control of MY life, MY happiness, MY actions..."

I have only been reading your thread two days and am already feeling emotionally drained...if I feel that way how do others trying to help you feel? How do you feel? Is this how you want to feel? Is this how you want to project yourself to others? You come across pitiful and helpless...those are not attractive qualities...are you waiting for someone to save you? You are on the Titanic! You are sinking...only you can save yourself...if you don't you will be dragging everyone around down with you...that is not life and it is not fair.

Just curious, how old are you? I think it was mentioned your son is 15, is this correct? Do you have friends? Do you have family nearby? Do you have family that speaks to you?

[imLIN]

One thing I can tell you without a doubt...if I had stayed in my place of self pity and dependence on my H for my feelings of happiness I would not only be miserable but I can pretty much guarantee I would be all alone...I know my H would not have come back to go on the next trip of a lifetime (the guilt trip) and pretty sure my kids would have all jumped ship too!

You really need to take break from all of this and do some soul searching, find a new counselor, go see a doctor and get a FULL physical, and start breaking out of your self absorbed bubble!

[1000ships]

Rysmom,

Quite honestly I don't think there is OW. I think you're bitter that your H left and come here for the attention. Aside from a few spam mails that he gets, you haven't any evidence of OW. Personally I think you seriously need help for your depression. And I'm talking about the pharmaceutical kind.
...You tend to thrive on drama and how wronged you were. ...All we've heard is ME ME ME.

Get off your @$$ and do something positive. No one wants to hear how depressed you are AGAIN!
Read about the people who had to go through terminal illness or being pregnant. They are 10 times in worse shape than you, yet they get the help they need.

As far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong with you, yet you gripe and whine about how pitiful things are. YOU make them pitiful. Do something. Get meds. Something that will help you with a clear head.

I think some of your posts are very abusive. I don’t want you to respond to me in the future. Maybe that is why you are having m problems because you can be a cruel person.

Solitude
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

You MLC spewed on Mr. Bond--you are behaving like an MLCer in your manner of reactions. Do you know what you just did? You did not like what someone said, so you projected back at them and diagnosed the reason for that person’s marital failure—basing your diagnosis on your projection. That was meaner and ruder than anything he said to you and I think you owe him an apology.

I agree with most of what he has to say. I feel it was not appropriate to tell you that there is no OW--regardless of evidence. There was an OW in the past--if I'm recalling correctly--and there may be one now. And given your state of mind it was a little like yelling at an MLCer and telling him he’s delusional.

I also don't like comparing one person's suffering to another--the there are people worse off than you type of comment is invalidating; it often does not help someone feel better, instead they feel guilty for still feeling negative while since they may agree that other people have it worse.

But he is right about you being bitter and thriving on drama.

He spoke honestly to you; not everything is going to be offered from Mary Poppins with a spoonful of sugar.

I am not trying to be mean or hurt you, but I would be in escape mode from you also. Your clinginess would drive me nuts and I’m married to a clinger. I wouldn’t abandon my marriage, but I’d probably give a counseling ultimatum and move in with my mother if it was not met—she can use my help. Part of me wants to wrap you in HUGS before saying anything else so that you don’t spew at me too.

If there is an OW, let her be the woman scorned or the needy and desperate damsel who manipulates and controls. That is typical OW behaviour—eventually.

And about those ads in the gmail. I could not for the life of me figure out what you were talking about until just now--there they are at the top of the email boxes blue border.
The ad I'm looking at is for a Driver's License Lawyer, for DUI.
So what conclusions are you going to draw about me now?

I must have a poor driving record and a history of DUI convictions?
The side column ads follow a similar theme along with one for a program for troubled teens.
My husband doesn’t use this computer, so I know it’s not about his history.

Mr Bond has been exceedingly kind to you...

I get the feeling you aren't ready to heal yet.

I think you're not posting right now because you are driving by his place right now.

Go ahead and get all the fear, anger and hate run it's course. When you're ready to get better, go back and read the threads people have posted to you here.

That post he wrote to you touched me, but like so many, he is frustrated too. You know how it feels to watch your husband spiral downward into self-destruction--to watch helpless?

Well it hurts us to watch you do it too. Open the parachute.

Do you read other posters threads?

Well, do you? Because my guess is no; otherwise you would have been familiar with the imLIN's outcome--it's been pinned to the top of the board for well over two years.

Second, I have seen no changes from the first to the last...I take that back, I see you getting more desperate and needy...and driving H away...

You are driving him away as well as many people here who only want to help.

Read what you just wrote! You state that you need to take more action instead of sitting and thinking of negative things...

She's right. So can you please do something for yourself...and us? Start small.
For the next week post what and how you are doing, but post nothing about your MLCer. Nothing about pregnant OWs and your paranoia. Just you. Tell us what you are doing, about your daily activities, how’s school…Tell us what you are learning about your Self as you focus on you and practice detaching.

You alienate people because you do not answer the questions and focus only on your poor-me state and your speculations about your MLCer. No one here can see whether you are doing the work to help yourself. It appears you are not, but since you don't answer the questions, maybe you are following advice and not saying it. Following advice doesn't mean it will work or that it will work right away, but that is not why it appears you are not paying us any attention, we think that because you don’t answer the questions that are meant to steer you toward self-focus self care—as well as care for your son. It might not stop the pity party, but it might help end it sooner.

[Mostly Unanswered ?]Questions asked over the last month from DBers

• What have you been doing to heal yourself?
  Again you never answered the question. What have you been doing to heal yourself?
• What can you take? What is happening that you can handle?
• What are you doing for yourself? What about your son?
• What do you do with [your son]? What do you do for him?
• what are you doing for your son?
  what have you done to PROTECT you and your son?
  What have you done for [your son]? I haven't seen you post anything about him and his needs.
• What are YOU going to do to survive?
• What can you do to focus on you?
• What are things that YOU like to do. What strengths do YOU have?
• What steps are YOU going to take for YOU....
• What do you envision YOUR life being like in the future....
• What do you think it will take to break this cycle? What has your counselor said about breaking this cycle?
• What are you going to do that is completely personal—self pampering?
• What's going on with you?
• Why can't you understand that you need to detach and step back from these things to protect yourself and your son?
• What do you talk about in counseling? You, him or the situation?
• What does you counselor say and how does your counselor lead or guide you toward feeling better?
• Have you created goals? Are they personal—about you rather than your husband or marriage?
• what kind of advice are you getting from [your Christian counselor]?
• Have you read "The Journey From Abandoment To Healing?"
• Have you read the detachment article yet?
• What is something that you have always wanted to do but your husband wasn't interested in?
• Do you read other posters threads?
• If your Counselor and everyone who has posted to you keeps giving you the same advice why aren't you trying to follow it?
  What are you getting from this that keeps you doing the same things over and over?
• Help us help you. What can we do, better, what can and will you do?

Until you can answer those questions, you will alienate everyone who is helping you.

If she doesn't start making some effort to address her problems people will stop wasting their time in attempting to advise her and put time in where it might actually help people who actually want it.

I want to explain why posting to you or anyone else is not a waste of my time—though I understand what Jack is saying and get frustrated too—I’m getting a goose egg on my head from the brick wall I keep banging.

If my only motivation and benefit in posting to you was to help you heal I would be wasting my time—and I would be better off helping those who would seem to not only pay attention, but take action. But it’s about me too.

Life is good, but it’s not perfect. I’m going through a lot of things that stress me out and get me down sometimes. I received some bad news yesterday…though we are still working on additional confirmations. I was and am a puddle-mess. But when I am sitting here at my computer focusing on what to say to you or someone else, for that brief time I feel more clarity. I am not a depressive person, but situations affect me—like they do everyone. I would like to curl up and cry—and I will let myself do that. But right now I can be here and I feel better. I’m not crying or moping, I’m being useful—because even if you don’t pay attention, maybe something said to you will help someone else.

But Rysmom, it really hurts to read your posts. I get angry as you post these short blurbs about him being spend-crazy (a common MLC trait) and who you are depressed, withholding his possessions and using emotional blackmail against him…and possibly others. I know you hurt. Mr. Bond knows you hurt too, that’s why he sent you that 2X4.

People think they must be close to rock bottom and soon they will start to rise. Well guess what, there is no rock bottom. It’s a bottomless pit; to get out you need to spread your wings and soar. You won’t hit bottom and bounce. But without a bottom it means that it can get worse, and then worse and worse than even that. You can always progress or regress.

It is just our hope that you will eventually unfurl those wings and choose progress.

HUGS

[iluvme55]

MRBOND. I owe you an apology from yesterday....I don't know where that came from...please accept my apology. We are all here because we are on one of the hardest journeys of our life and I should not of spoken to you like that....
again I am very sorry....
It just struck a chord in me and I spoke out of line.....
Again my apologies to you.

[TrentC]

he has such an addiction to spending, he probably is so excited to go shopping for it.It is sick.

Yes, it is. And extravagant spending is a hallmark of someone going through an MLC.

But if this is an MLC, there is really not much you can do to make things better for him. You have to take care of yourself and your son and hope that he makes it through the other end of the MLC tunnel.

[MrBond]

"MRBOND. I owe you an apology from yesterday"

Don't worry about it. I've got thick skin. ; )

[MrBond]

Just a quick comment and I'll jump off this thread as requested.

I admit my comments were pretty in your face and harsh, but when I see someone start sliding downhill and FAST, I felt like I had to apply the brakes.

For a minute, rysmom, you stopped thinking about your H and were just angry at me. That's fine. That's what you have to do. Keep your mind and body occupied with something else other than your H.

From my comments, look how many people have stepped up to the plate. We all offer encouragement, support and even love even though we've never met you before.

Has your C given you that? You mentioned you don't have anyone to talk to. No friends, confidantes, etc. Well that's what we've become. You've probably opened up here more than you have with anyone else in your "real" life.

So believe me when I say that we all see the strength and potential in you. The only person who doesn't believe in it...is YOU.

Again, let all the confusion, anger, hate, resentment, fear and sadness out. Let it all out until you feel nothing at all. When you're drained of all the bad emotions, start filling yourself with good ones. Joy, happiness, laughter. Out with the bad and in with the new.

We're all survivors and I'd like to be the first one to welcome you to the group.

[imLIN]

To all here...I am worried...Rysmom talks of a C but says she can't call on her between appointment times, does this sound like a truly PROFESSIONAL C?...also she says she has no friends, no one to talk to (which is one excuse to call H)...are we really doing her a favor keeping her here for support?

I think she needs to get real professional help, she might even benefit from a complete physical to make sure there isn't something going on with her (besides depression)that could be contributing to the downward spiral(thinking out of whack hormones), and she really needs to get out in the real world and make some friends...not so she can let all this crap out on them but so that she can GAL and have some fun...she also needs to make sure her son is coping with all of this...

There are just so many things that concern me with Rysmom...and I too noticed all the unanswered questions...as if she bounces from post to post without really examining what is being offered...it really is sad and I don't know what we can do that we haven't done already...

Lin