I just can't take it anymore

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hey James, One thing to keep in mind is suicide is a HUGE sin, and Hell is supposed to be WAY worse than anything we can even experience here on Earth. That thought kinda helped me a bit when, as others mentioned we've been through this hell on earth. It really is an emotional roller coaster. In my first marriage, sometimes I had "good days" even 'good periods' that could last for weeks, where I felt I'd finally accepted it and was ready to rebuild my life. Then . . . .I'd drop off the emotional cliff again.

If you really are as bad as you yourself seem to claim, think about it for people around you. It sounds like you might scare the hell out of them. You're scaring me, man. As much as I'd love to help you if you were my friend, to be honest I'd be scared you might blow your head off with me there, and if I was your wife, I'd be

scared you might want to take me with you. NOT conducive to reaching your goal of inner peace.

You kinda have yourself in a "lose lose" situation right now, even if it isn't your fault. Is every gym in your area aware that according even to you . . .you seem like a tricking time bomb? no matter what, in ANY situation you can't keep building walls to block yourself from all solutions. Heck, I have some fairly substantial walls to deal with myself, but I try to keep focused on getting over or around them. And I'm also aware that I'm gonna have some unsuccessful attempts.

You have to keep trying, man. I have to keep trying . . .even though sometimes I'd love it if the Lord just took me in my sleep on occasion. I don't consider suicide though, because for all I know "Hell" could be something really crappy, like spending an eternity watching the woman I love having sex with other men or something. Think about THAT! I can imagine little that would be worse than that, and supposedly hell is worse. Don't kill yourself, things could get a lot worse instead of a better, and death cold possibly be just the beginning of some REAL problems.

You really should call a suicide hotline or something.

I’ve called suicide hotlines. Yep I probably am. Who knows. I’ve had major depression ups and downs and highs and lows. WAW said she’s not just afraid of me she’s afraid of me and her in the same place. Heck her temper is probably worse than mine. I don’t carry guns. If I did kill myself I’d do pills or something like that. I’d never take anyone else with me. That’s what I did yesterday. Pills.

Man I’m just so angry man. I don’t know how to calm down. I don’t know how to break the walls except with my fist? I’m very irate. Nobody understands me. I’d never take another human life except my own.

But I do know that my emotions are spinning out of control angrily. Maybe that’s what WAW sees I don’t know. But a lot of it is DUE to stuff she has directly caused.

James217,

With that much anger you can get some really good workouts. After a few weeks your stress level will be managed, and you will feel better due to the endorphins released. It will change the way you look at everything. Plus the anger is not good for the interactions, because we inject it into those who talk to us and those who see us with it may hold their guard higher in response.

[james217]

James~

Let me share something with you....When I first came here to the boards, I was about 2 steps away from suicide...I was still in the mindset of self-inflicting pain on myself by cutting over and over again until I could actually feel...I will breakdown my sitch for you...

Evicted - Yes I should have paid more attention to our monthly payments going out...Stupid me thinking he was paying the rent and the car payments...
H walked away
Car repossessed
Kicked out of my brothers house (with 2 kids)
Moved into my parents house - Still there
Cut off financially
Health and dental cancelled for me
Kicked my oldest S out of the house - Now he wants back

For 15 months I have listened to that man tell me he still loves me, he isn't sure what he wants, he doesn't think he wants a D...As I was reminded yesterday - ACTIONS speak louder then words...

In between all this time, I worked on ME for ME...I fight each and every single day to not allow myself to fall into that pit of despair, and having bi-polar it is a fight for me because to give in would be oh so easy...Some days I fail and I will admit that...Some days I allow my mental health to take over and I wallow more times then I care to count...I hate the circumstances however the only one who can change that is ME...

I have fought my entire life and I refuse to lose...

I know exactly what it means to have your past thrown in your life...I live that every day - So what - You can choose to believe you are a Eff up or you can prove them wrong...

It took me a very long time before I believed I actually had all the control...

The email you posted from your W...That was her before...That is not the woman she is now...The quicker you realize that, the easier it will be for you... I had to have that reminder yesterday...

Now as for the suicide...This board - Saved me....The people here saved me...The man who stayed with me from the beginning saved me...He was here on your thread at the very beginning - Puppy...Here the day I decided to end it all...Stayed online with me after I had started cutting...I think I ended with 19 cuts before I started listening to him - Truly listening...We didn't see eye to eye in the beginning because I was stubborn...

You need to put aside your pride...Realize that the life you knew is no longer, however you can have a better one because of the circumstances

Trust me...This is no longer about her or you and her - This is all about you.

(((Hugs)))

thanks serenity. Yes I guess that person is gone. Sometimes I saw her. She'd hugged me and I'd cry and tell her how I felt. She met me at the hospital. She acted like she cared again. I don't think she does anymore.

i dont know. i'm broken i gotta figure out how to fix me. I don't know how to stop loving and caring about her. I wish my heart came with an on/off switch like hers does

[DaddyLongShanks]

James217,

Yours needs that "off" switch so you can save your own life. you have to save your own life, build up enough emotional and life "fat", so you have more give to you. From your posts you been on the edge and pushed past it.

Your not going to be able to worry about her till you get a bit past this.

[james217]

Okay, well then we will have to make a pact. I would like you to take the idea and talk of suicide off the table for now. If your mind starts to veer back to suicide then you must be honest about it.

So, no suicide talk or thought on your end (for now).

What would you like me to commit to in the pact?

Also, will you trust me a little? Remember, I have been working on this for two years and I have had personal success that has NOTHING to do with David.

This is what I follow... a four pronged approach. One prong is creating a healthy support system. I would like to be in your support system. I bet lots of other people on this forum will also want to be included.

Prong 2 is C'ing. Now, maybe we can work on that and find a new resource for you instead of waiting for appts or state approval.

Prong 3 is medication if necessary. See prong 2.

Prong 4 is hope. You have to find some hope each day that you will have the strength to endure each day and somehow, someway come out a bit better than when you started.

Let me know what you think.

ok!!! i do not know what to put in pact. i just need friends. i don't like to worry my family about this and it stresses them out.

I will try not to talk suicide anymore. My I.C. is supposed to be back tommorrow. she is really good with people who have disabilities such as partial sight t hat's why i like her too. she can relate to me.

i know i need meds. i'm a nervous wereck.

4 is hard. i'm afraid to hope. everytime i hope about my life whether it's doctors, surgery, job, the kids, waw, it all ends up bad.

so how do i hope for that?

[james217]

DLS thanks for the replies dude. I miss working out and playing bball with my friends at local gym.

I have not seen them in a long long time. I guess i'm going to have to figure something out. First thing I have to make sure the doctor wants me doing all that stuff without either insulin or glucose tablets but I have to get to see them first.

[CityGirl]

Sometimes hope is not a tangible item. It would be nice if it was but it is not always the case. I am not even asking you to have hope about ANYTHING specific. What I am asking you is to make hope part of your thought pattern.

Not hope about your W, the children or anything else. Just find a way each day to realize hope does exist and will be part of your life.

Do you accept the fact you have medical and emotional problems that will not be solved overnight? Do you accept the fact you will need "outsiders" to assist you as you walk this road? Do you accept (or will you consider accepting) your body is diseased and working with your disease instead of against it might feel new/different/scary but might help create hope?

What color is your disease? Mine is purple. Don't ask me why it's purple, it's just how I think lupus looks inside of a body. Sometimes I feel disgusted that I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel scared I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel damaged I have a disease inside of me. All of those feelings are valid. Valid or not it doesn't change "the purple". What are my options? Work with it instead of against it.

What can you do RIGHT NOW to work with your disease instead of against it? What color is your disease?

[james217]

James~

I have good days and I have awful days and if you don't believe me I can point you in the direction of some of my support system who frequent the board - People who are there day and night - No matter what...

I have days where all I want to do is cut however I don't...

I choose to not allow my circumstances to define me...

I choose to win - Regardless of what is going on around me..

It isn't easy and I would never tell you it is going to be easy...

However each day becomes a little more bearable...My Faith has been tested as well as my beliefs and I am not embarrassed to admit it...

I came here with zero self-worth, zero self-respect and zero self-integrity...

I was the quintessential doormat and I still am at times...It is a work in progress however you have to make the decision to do the work...

For you and no one else.

the thing is it's so hard to cut her off. I love and care about her deeply.

as soon as something bad happens she turns to me and I try to encourage and support anyway I can.

She's needed me several times even over the past 2 months but she can't be there for me? Maybe she's afraid of me well she said she doesn't trust me when I get mad or act like that she also said she's afraid of me and her. I don't know. I have got to get a hold on me. The sad thing is I keep repeating myself. I can feel it. Alot of times I realize it sooner than later.

[james217]

Sometimes hope is not a tangible item. It would be nice if it was but it is not always the case. I am not even asking you to have hope about ANYTHING specific. What I am asking you is to make hope part of your thought pattern.

Not hope about your W, the children or anything else. Just find a way each day to realize hope does exist and will be part of your life.

Do you accept the fact you have medical and emotional problems that will not be solved overnight? Do you accept the fact you will need "outsiders" to assist you as you walk this road? Do you accept (or will you consider accepting) your body is diseased and working with your disease instead of against it might feel new/different/scary but might help create hope?

What color is your disease? Mine is purple. Don't ask me why it's purple, it's just how I think lupus looks inside of a body. Sometimes I feel disgusted that I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel scared I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel damaged I have a disease inside of me. All of those feelings are valid. Valid or not it doesn't change "the purple". What are my options? Work with it instead of against it.

What can you do RIGHT NOW to work with your disease instead of against it? What color is your disease?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm let me go smoke and think about this.

[knightinneed]

James, you were the 1st one on this forum to offer support to me. Ya know, it really made me feel good to get a response to a thread most would consider quite toxic.

I want to thank you for that. But man I know you can pull it together your 32 yrs old with so much life to live, i was feeling prob almost the same way because my W and I have had some very turbulent arguments that led to much craziness, but now that I am away from her and I have upped my Anti-ds i tell ya I wonder maybe if I had been depressed for many months and just didnt know it.

Maybe you could get some anti-d from your dr or some xanex or something to calm your nerves friend.

It will get better James I promise you that. Just know that you have to take it a step at a time, and realize that total strangers on this board care about you enough to not want you to do anything stupid.

I hope you come to a peaceful resolve with your W, kids, and yourself most importantly.

[james217]

Sometimes hope is not a tangible item. It would be nice if it was but it is not always the case. I am not even asking you to have hope about ANYTHING specific. What I am asking you is to make hope part of your thought pattern.

Not hope about your W, the children or anything else. Just find a way each day to realize hope does exist and will be part of your life.

Do you accept the fact you have medical and emotional problems that will not be solved overnight? Do you accept the fact you will need "outsiders" to assist you as you walk this road? Do you accept (or will you consider accepting) your body is diseased and working with your disease instead of against it might feel new/different/scary but might help create hope?

What color is your disease? Mine is purple. Don't ask me why it's purple, it's just how I think lupus looks inside of a body. Sometimes I feel disgusted that I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel scared I have a disease inside of me. Sometimes I feel damaged I have a disease inside of me. All of those feelings are valid. Valid or not it doesn't change "the purple". What are my options? Work with it instead of against it.

What can you do RIGHT NOW to work with your disease instead of against it? What color is your disease?

Ok I’ll hope!!!! I’ll try to do better.

Yes. I do now. I see how it affects me and those I care about. It’s hard to accept it. I’m so used to being normal and able to handle any task and everyone else is used to seeing that too. It’s hard to accept it. I really is. But I’ll have to. I think I’m still sane and not messing up. I think I still things all distorted as well. Like the way I’m viewing things and think I’m acting Im not acting that way or I’m giving off the wrong perception.

Being diseased is also hard to accept. Hmm I think diabetes would be green. I don’t know why. It’s an ugly disease. I hate it. My kerataconus (cornea disease) is grey. I’ve seen pictures of it so I know that. I’m so used to being a healthy strong caring loving person. I’m not used to being a basket case of emotions. I always used to be so calm. So rational. So focused. But Over the past year so erratic and angry and just spinning out of control for awhile

I’m scared to have surgery. There’s so many things that could go wrong with this one. Plus I have a fear of needles and doctors. But I”ll have to do it.