Whatnow-good one about the eggs! You remembered that typo! lol! Thanks for showing me what's to come in upcoming years- yesterday I was bummed but it wan't about me wanting to feel appreciated it was family stuff that I don't feel like typing (lazy) combined with WH.
Hey on the topic of family, of all 8 grandchildren, I wasthe only one married and only 3 (myself included) have had long term relationships. All of us are products of divorce! The cycle is real. But I plan to discuss this with my therapist- like my new friend said the other day, S can learn what he DOESN'T want and will do his darndest either to not have kids or to stay married so they don't need to go back and forth between homes. I would need to remind him that you can carefully look for your spouse and read about issues that lead to higher risks for divorce and but it can still happen.The other person can still leave you- NO I shouldn't say that.
FM- What a good idea to say "I need space" I really like it because it is mysterious! And it doesn't make me have to say "I need to detach from you" because why should he get to think I still love him? But I think between now and the divorce, I will avoid regular email communication. There really is enough time to talk about S when we exchange him.
Today is busy- first I need to clean up from yesterday's get together, then we have swim class, then I see my therapist, then I drop off the registration stuff at the daycare, take S to the parking lot, and go to the Martini bar!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Sorry to hear your mother's day was not so great! But you are a great mother... picking up the pieces and finding the stregnth to host mother's day, and raising a baby for the most part alone!
Cry at the therapists, let it all out! be confident at the parking lot when meeting with H. And have a BLAST at the Martini Bar and LAUGH!!!
Im not sure there is any correlation to family's with higher divorce rates... just makes me see the things they, as a couple, could have done to make themselves happier as a married pair. makes me angry, now having read DB and DR, knowing that it doesnt have to be unhappily ever after! Makes me think too many people fall into the Divorce Trap!
have a cousin who went through a D two years ago, and she regrets everything! She had an EA and is now with the guy and finds that life is not greener on the other side. She felt that she fell out of love with her H, and had two kids under 10, and yes it destroyed her family. Not only her family, but the guy she was seeing was married w children, and she destroyed his family too! She feels guilty everyday knowing that she ruined so many families, and made so many changes for all the children and families involves. needless to say, she does not agree with my H's decision, and hopes the baby would change his mind. I say dont be so sure... She and her H did try therapy, but i think her EA kept her from really wanting to try to work things out. she says she didnt get the affection and attention from her H that she so badly wanted. And when she did get it from someone else, she felt that it was time to move on. Now she realizes the new guy is not the 'father' to his children as she loved him for, and says she cries ever day. She lives in another country, and so I dont really talk to her much. Dont know why I shared this story... just wanted write how much DIVORCE SUCKS!!!
keep your chin up NM! Dont give up the fight!!! Im rooting for you!
Thanks BD!!!I do like hearing your cousin's D story because it shows another example where the affair ends up not being the fantasy they imagined!!!
Am trying to figure out what I want to discuss with my therapist today. feel weak for letting WH blab my ear off and stay to feed S. I wanted him to though and he asked if it was ok! which makes me think he knows I have limits!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Old Pilot- didn't see your last post! I wonder if cheating spouses follow the same pattern though as WAS and MLCers. Do you really think so? Somewhere in there is ending the A.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
OK went to my therapy session. Kind of rambled a bit. Addressed issue of wanting to still believe WH won't go through with D (can you say DENIAL?) My therapist did tell me that I can find out by asking him where he is at with the paperwork process! He knows I am choosing to not talk about it or bring it up, but reminds me the consequence of doing that is going to be me feeling stuck and in limbo and confused as to whether to grieve or have hope. I told him that MAYBE I will check with WH in a couple of weeks when 1 month has passed since he brought up that he wants to D.
Also I wanted to make sure I wasn't accidentally alienating S or withdrawing. He told me signs to look for like clinginess, not happy to see me, lashing out...nope! PHEW! I explained to him that I am asking for help because I don't want to get so depressed that I don't interact with him so hopefully I am getting help in time....to prevent that.
I asked for tips on coping with the sadness. I mentioned that lately it seems like my marriage was a distant memory and is blurry...like I dreamt it. I told him that I feel like I never got to experience marriage and my dream of life with WH.
He said I could also be feeling sad because the marriage memories are fading...it is dawning on me that it's coming to an end. One idea was to bring out the old pictures of our relationship and really look at them and remember what we had together. FEEL the happy memories, FEEL the sadness, ACCEPT that it could be over. (he said "could" not "is") Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
One other thing is that he observed that I THINK and think and think....and that it is important to tap into my feelings as well. That overthinking and second guessing myself could be causing me more stress and anxiety!
I was reminded of the plan to keep interactions with WH business like and friendly, exchange S at the door. If WH asks why I seem to waffle back and forth, I simply explain that it's because I am adjusting and feeling all over the place (true) but that I will even out eventually (something like that).
I had a few other issues that I brought up related to affairs. When I asked him about the whole 6 mo-2 year length of affairs, he said that is an average but there are always exceptions. Like his uncle who married his OW, lasted 7 years, then divorced because he met and married another OW, lasted 10 years, but now is divorced because he met another OW. SERIOUSLY!!!!
OK so the faucet will flow with tears while I wait for my anti-D's to help me! Yes I am GALing. I am not to think about any other strategies or ways of acting other than limiting exchanges of conversation about S and acting business like-friendly. No second guessing allowed!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hugs NM. I like the idea of not thinking, thinking, thinking & no second guessing. Of course you don't want to give up hope of H going through with the D - remember, if it happens, it's not necessarily the end. Don't want to give false hope there - it's just perhaps not the be all and end all. About asking your H, yes why not wait a bit? Till you are feeling a bit stronger. It's like I didn't confront H about OW still being there until I thought I could handle it without screaming. Great to read your therapists idea of signs to look out for if you are not connecting with your baby.. Well done you! because your S is doing fine! Thanks for reporting back on this session..there were lots of useful things in there for all of us.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Holy cow, Luvless....yeah, dinner would have been a better idea! How you are you doing? Just reflecting that Bomb-day is nothing compared to the difficulties that follow... Strength to you also.
sending you a Huge Hug and tons of stregnth! Sounds like you have a lot on you plate, and your Therapist is really helping you go through the motions. Continue GAL, and maybe do like Piano says and wait until you feel stronger until you ask about the D papers.
