Let's work on this forum first. I am not going to help you with the steps... we are going to work together since I have to do them also. I honestly can't listen to all this *stuff* you have been posting all day. I work too hard to not go back to the "dark place" and I won't allow myself to be surrounded by triggers that aren't helpful to me.
Sorry if that sounds mean but it is how it is. I think by now you know I am not full of BS and if I say I am going to do something I do it.
Only you can decide what will happen next. But if all you want to talk about is your W and your sh*t life then I don't know how we can work together. What do you think?
If you can't get out now then why keep complaining about how bad it is? Is there anything GOOD about it?
You know, I get there is tension between your parents. I would give just about anything to be able to talk my father one more time (tension or not). I don't have that option and will never have the option again.
You have a mom and dad living in the same house. They are providing you shelter, food and a home. What can you do to make the living arrangement better for ALL of you? Name one thing.
By not being here. Case closed. I've tried being here before and it does NOT work. s3's mother used to call and show up all the time unannounced upsetting them which led to me having to leave before
I stay out of everyone's way. Heck sometimes I check into a room just to get away and give them space. I try not to be here if I don't have to because I know it's an issue.
If they are argueing about it every morning and I'm trying to avoid it, that's not helping them either.
My mother is talking about leaving then WORLD WAR III will break loose. I'll never hear the end of it from my sister and the rest of the family.
Last edited by james217; 05/10/1009:56 PM.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Hey James, One thing to keep in mind is suicide is a HUGE sin, and Hell is supposed to be WAY worse than anything we can even experience here on Earth. That thought kinda helped me a bit when, as others mentioned we've been through this hell on earth. It really is an emotional roller coaster. In my first marriage, sometimes I had "good days" even 'good periods' that could last for weeks, where I felt I'd finally accepted it and was ready to rebuild my life. Then . . . .I'd drop off the emotional cliff again.
If you really are as bad as you yourself seem to claim, think about it for people around you. It sounds like you might scare the hell out of them. You're scaring me, man. As much as I'd love to help you if you were my friend, to be honest I'd be scared you might blow your head off with me there, and if I was your wife, I'd be
scared you might want to take me with you. NOT conducive to reaching your goal of inner peace.
You kinda have yourself in a "lose lose" situation right now, even if it isn't your fault. Is every gym in your area aware that according even to you . . .you seem like a tricking time bomb? no matter what, in ANY situation you can't keep building walls to block yourself from all solutions. Heck, I have some fairly substantial walls to deal with myself, but I try to keep focused on getting over or around them. And I'm also aware that I'm gonna have some unsuccessful attempts.
You have to keep trying, man. I have to keep trying . . .even though sometimes I'd love it if the Lord just took me in my sleep on occasion. I don't consider suicide though, because for all I know "Hell" could be something really crappy, like spending an eternity watching the woman I love having sex with other men or something. Think about THAT! I can imagine little that would be worse than that, and supposedly hell is worse. Don't kill yourself, things could get a lot worse instead of a better, and death cold possibly be just the beginning of some REAL problems.
You really should call a suicide hotline or something.
I’ve called suicide hotlines. Yep I probably am. Who knows. I’ve had major depression ups and downs and highs and lows. WAW said she’s not just afraid of me she’s afraid of me and her in the same place. Heck her temper is probably worse than mine. I don’t carry guns. If I did kill myself I’d do pills or something like that. I’d never take anyone else with me. That’s what I did yesterday. Pills.
Man I’m just so angry man. I don’t know how to calm down. I don’t know how to break the walls except with my fist? I’m very irate. Nobody understands me. I’d never take another human life except my own.
But I do know that my emotions are spinning out of control angrily. Maybe that’s what WAW sees I don’t know. But a lot of it is DUE to stuff she has directly caused.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Let's work on this forum first. I am not going to help you with the steps... we are going to work together since I have to do them also. I honestly can't listen to all this *stuff* you have been posting all day. I work too hard to not go back to the "dark place" and I won't allow myself to be surrounded by triggers that aren't helpful to me.
Sorry if that sounds mean but it is how it is. I think by now you know I am not full of BS and if I say I am going to do something I do it.
Only you can decide what will happen next. But if all you want to talk about is your W and your sh*t life then I don't know how we can work together. What do you think?
well maybe that's how she feels? I don't know. She talks about not wanting to get sick again like last year.
What is step 1? what do we do?
i think that's the first time i heard you curse. so what do we do? what is step 1. what else do I have to lose?
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
I understand all of this is very hurtful. I understand you were there for your W in her time of need and now she is not there for you. Right now there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot make your W be there.
I wonder all the time how my H could have treated me so badly while I was so ill. And the bottom line is I will never know. I no longer expose myself to his BS excuses or off the wall justifications. It is him, not me.
Each time I ask you if you would like to work some steps with me you go back to your W. Yes, I am sure you would much rather your W be saying this to you but the bottom line is right now she is not.
I don't disagree you need professional help sooner than later. I am not a professional but I do have an incurable disease that is no longer in remission along with the panic disorder I work at each day. Maybe we can help each other. What do you say?
so hold on the lupus is no longer in remission? yea i know i cannot make her but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
so what's the steps c.g.
let's do step 1 together. like i said i have nothing else to lose.
Let me share something with you....When I first came here to the boards, I was about 2 steps away from suicide...I was still in the mindset of self-inflicting pain on myself by cutting over and over again until I could actually feel...I will breakdown my sitch for you...
Evicted - Yes I should have paid more attention to our monthly payments going out...Stupid me thinking he was paying the rent and the car payments... H walked away Car repossessed Kicked out of my brothers house (with 2 kids) Moved into my parents house - Still there Cut off financially Health and dental cancelled for me Kicked my oldest S out of the house - Now he wants back
For 15 months I have listened to that man tell me he still loves me, he isn't sure what he wants, he doesn't think he wants a D...As I was reminded yesterday - ACTIONS speak louder then words...
In between all this time, I worked on ME for ME...I fight each and every single day to not allow myself to fall into that pit of despair, and having bi-polar it is a fight for me because to give in would be oh so easy...Some days I fail and I will admit that...Some days I allow my mental health to take over and I wallow more times then I care to count...I hate the circumstances however the only one who can change that is ME...
I have fought my entire life and I refuse to lose...
I know exactly what it means to have your past thrown in your life...I live that every day - So what - You can choose to believe you are a Eff up or you can prove them wrong...
It took me a very long time before I believed I actually had all the control...
The email you posted from your W...That was her before...That is not the woman she is now...The quicker you realize that, the easier it will be for you... I had to have that reminder yesterday...
Now as for the suicide...This board - Saved me....The people here saved me...The man who stayed with me from the beginning saved me...He was here on your thread at the very beginning - Puppy...Here the day I decided to end it all...Stayed online with me after I had started cutting...I think I ended with 19 cuts before I started listening to him - Truly listening...We didn't see eye to eye in the beginning because I was stubborn...
You need to put aside your pride...Realize that the life you knew is no longer, however you can have a better one because of the circumstances
Trust me...This is no longer about her or you and her - This is all about you.
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Okay, well then we will have to make a pact. I would like you to take the idea and talk of suicide off the table for now. If your mind starts to veer back to suicide then you must be honest about it.
So, no suicide talk or thought on your end (for now).
What would you like me to commit to in the pact?
Also, will you trust me a little? Remember, I have been working on this for two years and I have had personal success that has NOTHING to do with David.
This is what I follow... a four pronged approach. One prong is creating a healthy support system. I would like to be in your support system. I bet lots of other people on this forum will also want to be included.
Prong 2 is C'ing. Now, maybe we can work on that and find a new resource for you instead of waiting for appts or state approval.
Prong 3 is medication if necessary. See prong 2.
Prong 4 is hope. You have to find some hope each day that you will have the strength to endure each day and somehow, someway come out a bit better than when you started.
I have good days and I have awful days and if you don't believe me I can point you in the direction of some of my support system who frequent the board - People who are there day and night - No matter what...
I have days where all I want to do is cut however I don't...
I choose to not allow my circumstances to define me...
I choose to win - Regardless of what is going on around me..
It isn't easy and I would never tell you it is going to be easy...
However each day becomes a little more bearable...My Faith has been tested as well as my beliefs and I am not embarrassed to admit it...
I came here with zero self-worth, zero self-respect and zero self-integrity...
I was the quintessential doormat and I still am at times...It is a work in progress however you have to make the decision to do the work...
For you and no one else.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
There are ways you can create new focus points even in bad environments. Pick a couple of activities and hobbies and excel at them. Focus on that. For me it would be the weights ( gym ) and if I decided to tighten up on my salsa dancing.
