I have gone through periods when I was practically blaming myself for my W's A, but not any more. I think that's a pretty normal part of the LBS process. I do take responsibility for my part of our marital troubles, but I do not excuse her incredibly selfish behavior regarding her A. Our M was not healthy, and one way or another, it needed to change. We tried to change it from within but couldn't. I had some serious issues of my own that I finally got resolved in IC, but it took years, and all the while our M was deteriorating. By the time I was able to START to work on our M, it was pretty far gone, and my W was well down the WAW road. I had also gotten so co-dependent, and was so stagnant as a person that I wasn't much of a partner.
I look back and I'm embarassed how I let myself go. My W lost all respect and attraction to me. She lived in our M for years feeling like that. Funny, she's a MC, yet she herself couldn't understand why. One day a few years ago she broke down and told me weeping "I tried and tried, I just don't feel like that toward you anymore. Can we try just being friends? Maybe if we were friends my feelings will come back." I didn't react very well to that, I felt like she was abandoning me as a H. It was then that I should have taken my serious look at myself and started to "DB", but it didn't hit hard enough. I was slowly coming out of my funk, and becoming a better person, but I chose to resent my W for her feelings, rather than accept them. She still didn't give up, but I was so resentful toward her that I couldn't see her struggling to find a way back. She would drop little sexual comments here and there, looking for a reaction from me, but she'd get back cold resentful replies like "You've made it clear that's none of my business now." The look on her face was one of sad defeat. It was so bad, I hate even remembering it.
I'm not putting on this all on me though. Not by a long shot. My W has issues of her own that led to our M troubles. I know part of my stagnation was due to her relentless complaining and manipulating in our M. I felt trapped with someone who chose to always dwell on what she didn't have rather than appreciate our blessings, which were many. I tried and tried and tried to give her what she wanted, but I eventually just gave up.
After we were done having kids, my W's body righted itself again physically, emotionally, and hormonally. She became increasingly unsatisfied with what our life together offered her. Our M was in such a sad state, she opened herself up more and more to the world outside our M. Eventually that led to her reconnecting with people she knew in her youth, including OM. She began to confide in him. When she realized her feelings for OM were dominating over thoughts of our M, THAT's when she should have been honest with me, THAT's when she should have told me what was going on, and she certainly shouldn't have used and manipulated me the way she did. That's the real damage she did, and why I'm not sure I can trust her again.
Whether my W is able to truly appreciate and be happy with what she has is one thing I'll need to evaluate if we are to reconcile. From what I can tell, she has made some progress. She certainly doesn't complain much, and she seems to genuinely appreciate who I am now. After reading and learning, I know I wasn't speaking her love language in our M, I was speaking mine. If I can learn to speak her love language, will that make all the difference?
As for your point musclegal, I don't think my W had an A during her first M, and I believe I was her first serious R after her first M ended. We met a couple years after that, so she didn't exactly hop from one R to another. In fact, I met her after she had just spent six months overseas doing doctoral research, on her own (not to OM's country), so she's not the type that can't be alone.
I'm not sure what's up with her simultaneously suing me for custody, and pursuing me to date me. What a bizzare thing. It doesn't make sense, even as a form of manipulation. My gut tells me she sincerely doesn't want to lose me. Does that mean she'll do what it takes for a successful reconciliation? I don't know, and I'm skeptical. She didn't ever say I wasn't a good enough Dad to have joint custody, she said she thinks the kids would do better living primarily in a single household. From what I can tell, she wants to test the waters to see if that single household could be one we all live in. Those are very treacherous waters right now though, so she's treading very lightly. She is carefully showing me a little vulnerability here and there. She invited me to go to a charity benefit in a few weeks, not necessarily with her, as she already has plans to go with a (female) friend, but she said if I did decide to go, she'd appreciate it if I didn't bring a date. The way she said it made me feel good, but I didn't show her that.
Thanks for your concern and advice. I do take all the warnings seriously.
