I just can't take it anymore

[Bummedout]

Hey James, One thing to keep in mind is suicide is a HUGE sin, and Hell is supposed to be WAY worse than anything we can even experience here on Earth. That thought kinda helped me a bit when, as others mentioned we've been through this hell on earth. It really is an emotional roller coaster. In my first marriage, sometimes I had "good days" even 'good periods' that could last for weeks, where I felt I'd finally accepted it and was ready to rebuild my life. Then . . . .I'd drop off the emotional cliff again.

If you really are as bad as you yourself seem to claim, think about it for people around you. It sounds like you might scare the hell out of them. You're scaring me, man. As much as I'd love to help you if you were my friend, to be honest I'd be scared you might blow your head off with me there, and if I was your wife, I'd be scared you might want to take me with you. NOT conducive to reaching your goal of inner peace.

You kinda have yourself in a "lose lose" situation right now, even if it isn't your fault. Is every gym in your area aware that according even to you . . .you seem like a tricking time bomb? no matter what, in ANY situation you can't keep building walls to block yourself from all solutions. Heck, I have some fairly substantial walls to deal with myself, but I try to keep focused on getting over or around them. And I'm also aware that I'm gonna have some unsuccessful attempts.

You have to keep trying, man. I have to keep trying . . .even though sometimes I'd love it if the Lord just took me in my sleep on occasion. I don't consider suicide though, because for all I know "Hell" could be something really crappy, like spending an eternity watching the woman I love having sex with other men or something. Think about THAT! I can imagine little that would be worse than that, and supposedly hell is worse. Don't kill yourself, things could get a lot worse instead of a better, and death cold possibly be just the beginning of some REAL problems.

You really should call a suicide hotline or something.

[james217]

James, I have shared quite a bit about my health struggles. I can very much relate to feeling so bad about so many things you start to wonder if anything will ever change.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some very dangerous thoughts during the most horrible time for me. I actually told my C not all that long ago that I think I understand the appeal of drinking yourself to death just to escape. For once I think I actually understood on a fundamental level why my father drank so much.

You have many issues and they will not all get solved at once. The thing to try and remember is eventually something will change and chances are it will change for the better. At this time we don't know how or when but it is very rare (even if you just follow the laws of probability) that things will remain this grave forever.

Right now you feel like the world is against you. I am not against you. I am not sure you fully understand the state I was in one year ago. It was bad. Very bad. Would you like to work some of the steps with me I had to take? I still have to do the "steps" each day. Would you like to do them together?

and you know what hurts the most C.G. when you type these words I wonder why WAW can't understand me and say these things and not give up on me.

She's already been through this. She would be the person who I would think would understand what it is like. You would think there would be some patience and understanding and compassion.

she said she can't help me I need professional help. this is what she said when I was explaining to her why Im this way. Even though she knows. It hurts so bad. I wasn't throwing anything in her face I was telling her I needed her by my side and support just like I gave her when she went through this. *sighs*

It hurts more than anything in the world for her to say and do this stuff. Compound that with the kids, the health issues and everything else and I'm a wreck. she knows i've tried to get the services set up and they have been bsing me because she's talked to them and seen them do it. So why would she turn her back on me when I was there for her?



No...when I don't think the worst....that's when something happens......u scared the sh!t out of me just being there when I got off the bus.....I had a flash back of the other day that's y I was walking then running....I don't trust u when ur mad or acting the way ur acting

please don't do anything else for me.....even if I ask.....this has nothing to do with my job or us not being together.....I just hate having what all uve done for me thrown up in my face

I can't......do this anymore.......I know u r hurting but I'm hurting too......I'm scared H.....scared of u and myself.......when we argue it is toxic and I can't handle it

I'm sorry......but I am never coming back to u......NEVER.....

I'm crying now.......I can't take this anymore....I feel defensive.......everytime we get in an argument even when I don't do anything wrong....a person shouldn't have to live like that

A month of good things is not gonna make up for the othe times.....

I'm scared to be around sometime...because I don't know how the conversation is gonna turn

I don't want to be around that because......I'm not getting hurt when u get in ur moods....

I have no control of u either H......u need doctors care.....I can't do anything for u......u need medicine

Well u won't go to I.C. and do what u have to do........so there's nothing I can do....I'm sorry.....u keep blaming me, I.C., and everybody else is against u......but instead of trying to do something about what's going on.....

[Serenity13]

James ~

This

u keep blaming me, I.C., and everybody else is against u......but instead of trying to do something about what's going on.....

Speaks volumes.

[CityGirl]

James, I understand all of this is very hurtful. I understand you were there for your W in her time of need and now she is not there for you. Right now there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot make your W be there.

I wonder all the time how my H could have treated me so badly while I was so ill. And the bottom line is I will never know. I no longer expose myself to his BS excuses or off the wall justifications. It is him, not me.

Each time I ask you if you would like to work some steps with me you go back to your W. Yes, I am sure you would much rather your W be saying this to you but the bottom line is right now she is not.

I don't disagree you need professional help sooner than later. I am not a professional but I do have an incurable disease that is no longer in remission along with the panic disorder I work at each day. Maybe we can help each other. What do you say?

[james217]

James ~

This

u keep blaming me, I.C., and everybody else is against u......but instead of trying to do something about what's going on.....

Speaks volumes.

that's the thing serenity. I have gone to I.C. once and had 2 phone sessions. Then I had to wait on the state to approve more sessions. In between that time I got a job and my I.C was out of the office for 3 weeks.

I was also seeing an I.C. through CPS but due to WAW signing away the rights to SD8 to paternal grandmother? I can no longer see that I.C.

WAW is supposed to be on antidepressants and IN OUTPATIENT THERAPY. That's part of the reason I got so stressed and sick in the first place from taking care of her while she was suicidal in mental facility for her breakdown and having seizures so I had to put everything I needed on hold to help her because she was pretty much on suicide watch and life or death status.

Now the tables are turned and I'm taking it up the anus

and alot of this is WAW fault. She would not listen to me about alot of things. It caused alot of problems.

Let me show you her before this.

THIS IS RIGHT AFTER SHE GOT OUT OF MENTAL FACILITY LAST YEAR. i went through pure hell for months.

Baby, I listened and heard everything you said this morning. I do want you. This morning when we made love it reminded me on how it was when we first got together. I do love you and care about you. I know I need to show you more. I am working on myself so I can. We have both been through a lot. I know I have made many bad judgments that have caused alot of problems in our relationship. I feel very, very, very guilty for what I have done to you as well as the children and the family. That's the main reason why I went to the hospital. I need major counseling.

Seneca, I want to thank God and you for being there for me as well as SD8. You have believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. And that has happened a lot lately. God gave u the strength to push me to go that extra mile when I feel that I couldn't. Baby, I am thankful.

I want to apologize for when you think I'm giving up on the relationship. I really don't. It's just when you express to me how you feel....in my head I assume you want to break up because each and everytime you bring up what I did wrong. It hurts me to hear you say that I wronged you and the family. It hurts me deeply......that's what causes me to give up. Deep down I feel with all the pain I caused you.....I feel you deserve someone who will treat you better. You say I'm capable of doing it but everytime I turn around of done something wrong. Have I done anything right, lately?

H, I love you. You are very attractive to me. I'm sorry I haven't been affectionate to you. (This is not an excuse)

Put yourself in my shoes. And the tables were turned. You would you be depressed.......or feeling down on yourself?

Well, baby I do.....and a lot of times that makes me sleepy and lowers my sex drive. It has nothing to do with you. I feel like a bump on a log. Also, it causes me to do some crazy things. 'Cause I have never bucked up to a man in my life. I know there is something wrong with me. I need serious help.

I want to also apologize because when u express urself.....alot of times I do take it as criticizing and I get totally defensive......I'm sorry.

When I was in the hospital the first night.....all I did was cry and I cried too the first day I was admitted. 'Cause then I realized how I hurt you, Ayanna, the boys, and your parents even myself.( I'm tearing up now just thinking about it)
I don't want you to think I had a swell time in there because I didn't.......I just used humor to soften the seriousness and the hurtfulness of the whole thing.

Baby, Between help from God, counseling, meds, support from u and the family i will be just fine.
I know i have change because i want to. I do want to. I just get so scared sometimes and things seem so overwhelming. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Baby, I want u to know that I am going to work on my actions on showing you I love you. This is the first step. I just pray to God that u will be patient. I want to be yours til the end of time.
I know this because both our hearts beat at the same time and I also notice sometimes we breathe at the same time. We complete each. I love you babe...........Write me back once you get this....please....

The Love of Your Life,
W

[DaddyLongShanks]

James217,

Stop complaining, even to yourself. Set objectives and obtain them. If the environment sucks for you get out of it. Your not going to change how she thinks nor should you want to.

Good luck

[CityGirl]

What is the point of posting all the letters and texts? We get it. Your W is a typical WAW who has lots of problems. You know it and we know it. Why are you adding more torture to your life?

I have a decade worth of cards and letters my H gave me that would make you wonder who on earth he is now.

What are you hoping to accomplish by posting all of this?

[james217]

James217,

Stop complaining, even to yourself. Set objectives and obtain them. If the environment sucks for you get out of it. Your not going to change how she thinks nor should you want to.

Good luck

i can't get out right now man. I have no job. I have to have at least ONE SURGERY. I have a slew of doctor's appointments and therapy and follow up rehab. I also have counseling. It's impossible to maintain work right now

[CityGirl]

If you can't get out now then why keep complaining about how bad it is? Is there anything GOOD about it?

You know, I get there is tension between your parents. I would give just about anything to be able to talk my father one more time (tension or not). I don't have that option and will never have the option again.

You have a mom and dad living in the same house. They are providing you shelter, food and a home. What can you do to make the living arrangement better for ALL of you? Name one thing.

[james217]

What is the point of posting all the letters and texts? We get it. Your W is a typical WAW who has lots of problems. You know it and we know it. Why are you adding more torture to your life?

I have a decade worth of cards and letters my H gave me that would make you wonder who on earth he is now.

What are you hoping to accomplish by posting all of this?

i don't know anymore C.G. i just really don't man. I'm a burden on my parents and I know it. They are really really sick. I wish I didn't have to be here. She knows it too. It hurts so much because this family loved her and helped her in any way possible.

My mother has been getting sick behind all of this and my father is beyond pissed.

C.G. is there another way to contact you? I need help with the steps and the other info you have