I see what you guys mean by not starting new thread but since I am new to this it is difficult when I am not sure what I am doing. I will get the hang of it eventually. I did go and we had fun. I think it is only human to hope for things to come out of your actions but I am guarded as far as expectations. Although I can tell you that my eyes are open for any little indication that we are moving in a good direction. For the record I only talk about the R if he brings it up and I am very cautious about what comments I might make. We have not had any arguments in a long time. Months in fact. For us there was just realy nothing going on. No fun, no fights, no sex, etc. In fact the last two times I initiated he did not respond well. However after the bomb and after our agreeing to seperation instead of D he did then ask if I was game and since then we have had sexual contact three times. I try to resist the urge to go and cuddle with him on the couch but I admit I have done it a few times. He never refuses me. In fact I think we have had more fun with each other since the bomb than we have probably had in two years. He told me he recognized I had made changes already before I read the DBing books.
I believe our marriage can be saved but I realize one person alone doesn't make a marriage. If H wants to find himself outside of the M I cannot stop him. I am vowing to love H the way you were meant to love someone. My conflict comes with GAL and trying to recconect with H to which I believe is where part of my change has to occur. I shut myself out of his life because of my own self loathing. I expected him to make time for us on my terms only. I never stopped him from doing his own thing but I never tried to be a part of his world either and I stopped doing some the things that kept us close out of resentment and tried to control situations to get what I wanted. I was not a bad wife, but I was not the wife I wanted to be either. I did not give him the respect he deserved or needed which made him fell less of a man.
Who knows if any of these things done differently would have made a difference or not? I can only move forward in this moment and make changes.
