WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Afterwards W thanked me and gave me a hug before leaving. Like one you would give a casual friend. I've had more loving hugs from men I've just met. Although I set up the whole day and made everything just right, she seemed to only want to express appreciation to the kids and the inlaws. Thanking the kids for making the gift and the inlaws for making the trip. She knew I did everything.

You won't get out of casual friend mode if you do everything for her when she is carrying on right under your nose.

I wish she would wake up.

You can wait on her or be a leader. You have a choice. Chose wisely.

Is what you are doing getting you to your goals?

I don't do anything out of my way for her, this was just a special occasion being Mothers Day and all. More about the kids than me.

W invited me out to lunch today after we attended a meeting together. She expressed gratitude for yesterday and said she had a great time, so maybe my note portrayed her reaction in a much more negative tone than it really was, that wasn't my intent. It was more likely me having bigger expectations than I should have, which I know not to do.

She did tell me she wasn't down at all, just tired from watching TV too late the night before, which from our casual conversation I have good reason to believe was not a lie.

My goal is to save the relationship, and right now it basically boils down to how patient I can be. As I've noted earlier, I still feel the Good Lord wants me to continue to wait, as I am not yet at peace with moving to a divorce.

I thought about speaking to her regarding the kids being around the OM, but when I think about my reasoning and why it annoys me, I feel that deep down I'm trying to limit her contact with the OM. If that is truly the case, then I feel that I am meddling in what I have stated was something I'm trusting in God to handle.

If you are worrying, you aren't trusting Him, and if you are trusting Him, you aren't worrying.

The only ammo I have left is to date or file for divorce, neither of which I am willing to do right now. I won't date as a married man, and I am not yet ready to file. Either way my motives wouldn't be sincere, since I want to save my marriage, not do something just to get her off the fence. If I file, I have to be prepared to follow through with it.

[Coach]

Here is a old story that sums up nicely the whole situation with action. As a raging flood threatened a small community one man prayed to be spared. As he prayed the last fleeing townsman drove up in his oversized four wheel drive and shouted, "Hop in I can get you to safety". The praying man said no I am good I have prayed to be spared. As the flood water continued to rise the man went up to his 2nd floor deck now just above the fast running water. A boat staying just ahead of a rising tide of current stopped briefly at the man's deck, the drenched and bedraggled group in the boat offered him a hand to get in. The answer from the man was the same, I have prayed to be saved everything is ok. A few minutes later the water is now to the roofline of the house. The man crawls on his roof and sees a helicopter hovering just above him, a basket quickly being dropped down for him. The man waved them of saying, I have prayed to be saved, and everything is ok. As the helicopter continued to lower the basket the man's house collapsed against the weight of the ever rising water and the man drowned. In heaven this man questioned God and asked him why he had not been spared. God's reply was, I sent you a 4 wheel drive truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you need?

ASK - Ask, seek and knock.

[pigskin]

Glad you guys had a pleasant day even though it didn't meet your expectations. Remember, we're not supposed to expect anything from the WAW except the unexpected.

I wish she would wake up. She knows she should fix things and that that is the right answer. But she is too stubborn to give in to what she knows is right.

You took the words right out of my mouth. I am quickly gaining speed on catching up with you in my sitch because my W won't "wake up" either. I haven't done enough to stand up for myself and my family. It is up to us to take action. You have done a whole lot more than I have in that area, so I'm not in a good place to give advice, but being Mr. Nice Guy never seems to work. Look at all you did to make a great day for your family. Did she appreciate it at all? No. You gave it a shot, I don't blame you at all. Don't be too disappointed in her reaction. To know your kids and even in-laws had a good day should make you feel good about yourself. Hats off to you-you tried. She doesn't care right now. Maybe she never will.

All I can do is keep pounding. And try not to give up even though it seems pointless at times.

Yes. If you have the patience. I want my W to see how I've changed and learned about myself. She doesn't care. It sucks. I'm not telling you anything new. You know my sitch well, I have a lot of the same feeling that you do and have tried a lot of the same things. It hasn't worked for me, either. If your trying not to give up, take your time and be patient. Don't go out of your way to do anything nice for her. Be the great Dad that your kids know and deserve.

Continued blessings and prayers. Take care of yourself!

Thanks, IDU. Like my reply to coach stated, she DID care. She just didn't fall all over me, which is not to be expected.

I know she is still very conflicted, and the further along she gets in her studies of faith, the more reinforcement she is going to get that she needs to turn herself around.

A woman wanting to shut me out of her life wouldn't ask me out to lunch. She's done things like this before, seemingly "dipping her toe in" to try to rebuild something. If that is the case I have to expect very slow going and not act like a wolf on a pork chop. It all has to be driven by her, and I can't make it easy for her. She has to prove herself.

Waiting on God means being patient as to His timetable. If He wants me to bolt, He will make me more at peace with divorce. I've surrendered my free will in this area to Him. I do not wish to do anything that is not in accordance with His plan. When/if He gets me to the point where I feel comfortable with filing, I will know that that is His will. Until then I can't act according to my own agenda, mainly me being lonely and wanting female companionship.

[pigskin]

Here is a old story that sums up nicely the whole situation with action. As a raging flood threatened a small community one man prayed to be spared. As he prayed the last fleeing townsman drove up in his oversized four wheel drive and shouted, "Hop in I can get you to safety". The praying man said no I am good I have prayed to be spared. As the flood water continued to rise the man went up to his 2nd floor deck now just above the fast running water. A boat staying just ahead of a rising tide of current stopped briefly at the man's deck, the drenched and bedraggled group in the boat offered him a hand to get in. The answer from the man was the same, I have prayed to be saved everything is ok. A few minutes later the water is now to the roofline of the house. The man crawls on his roof and sees a helicopter hovering just above him, a basket quickly being dropped down for him. The man waved them of saying, I have prayed to be saved, and everything is ok. As the helicopter continued to lower the basket the man's house collapsed against the weight of the ever rising water and the man drowned. In heaven this man questioned God and asked him why he had not been spared. God's reply was, I sent you a 4 wheel drive truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you need?

LOL, I've heard that story before. But I have not seen any 4WDs, boats, or helicopters yet. Like I said, when they come, I'll know it's Him.

[MrBond]

IMHO,

It doesn't sound like she's conflicted at all. She is going around with him and your kids as if they were a happy family. If she was conflicted, she'd be going out with him alone.

Personally I would have that talk with her about your kids. I mean, do you want them to be raised with that kind of idea that it's okay to go out with Mommy's OM? Is that how you want them to be in their relationships?

This is about them. Not you.

Just my thoughts.

[pigskin]

IMHO,

It doesn't sound like she's conflicted at all. She is going around with him and your kids as if they were a happy family. If she was conflicted, she'd be going out with him alone.

Personally I would have that talk with her about your kids. I mean, do you want them to be raised with that kind of idea that it's okay to go out with Mommy's OM? Is that how you want them to be in their relationships?

This is about them. Not you.

Just my thoughts.

That was one thing I considered, Bond. That I don't want my kids to get an impression that married people do that kind of thing. I don't want to be a p***y about this, so it is good to get other's perspectives.

But so far there has been nothing like the OM picking them all up and spending a day at the lake or something. It's always the kids at the park doing their thing or something done as a group, not my W and OM alone with the kids. At the church yesterday my kids were in their grade level play groups and my W was studying while the OM read a book (this from my oldest son). So my kids don't see any hugging, hand holding or the like.

There are two lines of thought on this on the boards it seems. Some have said to let it go as long as there is no inappropriate behavior. Others have stated what you have.

The bottom line is I cannot stop this unless I tail her. I can't control what another adult does. If I lay down the law, I have to be able to enforce it. The only way I can think of is to threaten to tell the kids about mommy's boyfriend and that they should tell her they don't want to be around the OM. This seems manipulative and likely to make things worse.

[pigskin]

Here is a old story that sums up nicely the whole situation with action. As a raging flood threatened a small community one man prayed to be spared. As he prayed the last fleeing townsman drove up in his oversized four wheel drive and shouted, "Hop in I can get you to safety". The praying man said no I am good I have prayed to be spared. As the flood water continued to rise the man went up to his 2nd floor deck now just above the fast running water. A boat staying just ahead of a rising tide of current stopped briefly at the man's deck, the drenched and bedraggled group in the boat offered him a hand to get in. The answer from the man was the same, I have prayed to be saved everything is ok. A few minutes later the water is now to the roofline of the house. The man crawls on his roof and sees a helicopter hovering just above him, a basket quickly being dropped down for him. The man waved them of saying, I have prayed to be saved, and everything is ok. As the helicopter continued to lower the basket the man's house collapsed against the weight of the ever rising water and the man drowned. In heaven this man questioned God and asked him why he had not been spared. God's reply was, I sent you a 4 wheel drive truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you need?

ASK - Ask, seek and knock.

Ask, seek and knock. You bet.

Every night I ask the Lord to give me the wisdom to recognize what He wants me to do. I can only judge by my feelings what it is. As long as I still feel strong enough to tough it out, I have to think that that is what He wants from me.

W has never nailed the coffin shut. She has never thrown OM plans in my face, like saying she and OM are going somewhere on the weekend or something. She never mentions his name in front of me. She still keeps everything to herself. If she ever gets to the point where she does say something like that, I think that might be my signal.

I check back with the Lord every evening to see if anything has changed...

[MrBond]

The problem is that evidently your kids ARE noticing this. The fact that they haven't done anything alone with your kids doesn't matter. They are doing things together. Your kids see this.

By you taking your kids out of that environment, you are protecting them.

"If I lay down the law, I have to be able to enforce it."

Not true. It depends on what law you lay down. True you can't control what your W does, however you are the other parent and you have your rights as to what your kids are going to be exposed to.

[pigskin]

The problem is that evidently your kids ARE noticing this. The fact that they haven't done anything alone with your kids doesn't matter. They are doing things together. Your kids see this.

By you taking your kids out of that environment, you are protecting them.

True. But my W has other male friends she does things with when the kids are present. If there is no inappropriate behavior, what could I argue that I'm protecting them from?

"If I lay down the law, I have to be able to enforce it."

Not true. It depends on what law you lay down. True you can't control what your W does, however you are the other parent and you have your rights as to what your kids are going to be exposed to.

That's just the thing. Say I tell W no exposure of kids to OM (this has already been done). She exposes them anyway. Now what? Restraining order? This was talked about before, but unless the kids are in danger, I think that would be a petty move at best, and hard to have done given no inappropriate behavior. Short of that, I don't know how such a boundary could be enforced.

[MrBond]

Well the difference is that she hasn't expressed interest in those other men. Just the one. She knows it.

Have you ever thought of asking her how it would look like if you were going out with someone in front of your children and what kind of example it would be setting?

IMO it sounds like your W needs a truth dart right now. For example, my W told me that since our D's miss her when she's not home, her solution was to give her full custody since it would be in "their best interest". I asked her point blank if she thought about the kids while she was carrying on with her boss. Or if she thought about them when she left. And that she told me herself that ideally it would be in the kids' best interest for both parents to be together. And so I challenged her to think of how she could possibly be thinking about the kids' best interest.

That shut her down pretty quick and she became alot nicer. I had read on another MLC site that sometimes since the WAs's moral compass becomes twisted based on their current warped thinking, the LBS should remind them about what the "truth" is and correct them when they are acting wrong or re-writing history. It's true you validate them, but up to a certain point. When they start making ridiculous accusations, it's time to step up.

And you say it in a "matter-of-fact" manner and not an accusatory one.

But that's just me.