Hey James, One thing to keep in mind is suicide is a HUGE sin, and Hell is supposed to be WAY worse than anything we can even experience here on Earth. That thought kinda helped me a bit when, as others mentioned we've been through this hell on earth. It really is an emotional roller coaster. In my first marriage, sometimes I had "good days" even 'good periods' that could last for weeks, where I felt I'd finally accepted it and was ready to rebuild my life. Then . . . .I'd drop off the emotional cliff again.
If you really are as bad as you yourself seem to claim, think about it for people around you. It sounds like you might scare the hell out of them. You're scaring me, man. As much as I'd love to help you if you were my friend, to be honest I'd be scared you might blow your head off with me there, and if I was your wife, I'd be scared you might want to take me with you. NOT conducive to reaching your goal of inner peace.
You kinda have yourself in a "lose lose" situation right now, even if it isn't your fault. Is every gym in your area aware that according even to you . . .you seem like a tricking time bomb? no matter what, in ANY situation you can't keep building walls to block yourself from all solutions. Heck, I have some fairly substantial walls to deal with myself, but I try to keep focused on getting over or around them. And I'm also aware that I'm gonna have some unsuccessful attempts.
You have to keep trying, man. I have to keep trying . . .even though sometimes I'd love it if the Lord just took me in my sleep on occasion. I don't consider suicide though, because for all I know "Hell" could be something really crappy, like spending an eternity watching the woman I love having sex with other men or something. Think about THAT! I can imagine little that would be worse than that, and supposedly hell is worse. Don't kill yourself, things could get a lot worse instead of a better, and death cold possibly be just the beginning of some REAL problems.
You really should call a suicide hotline or something.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
