First let me start by stating that I have read your past 2 threads all the way through...
Second, I have seen no changes from the first to the last...I take that back, I see you getting more desperate and needy...and driving H away...
Third, I worry about your son, not because his father has left but because his mother is losing it...don't be suprised if you wake up one day and he is gone, hopefully to live with someone who can take care of him and not just running away from you...
Now, I am not trying to be mean but I can see that pretty much no matter how it is candy coated you will take it that way...
I know where you are, I was there...my husband left me with our 3 kids and homeless (living at my parents), I had just lost my job but had never had a job that would have supported me, let alone a family, I had made H my world (like it appears you have done)...
Well, after my pity party, because we are entitled to one...I got job training, obtained a real job that had benefits, got an apartment with my kids, began doing things with friends, and living a life I had not ever had before...
I learned I could be happy without H, that although I loved him and wanted him, I could be happy, I could travel, I could go out with friends...I learned to GAL
My advice to you is to get another counselor, the one you have either isn't working, or you are not listening!...taking AD is like antibiotics, you need to be consistant with them...you may only need them short term but it is possible you will always need them just like some diabetics will always need insulin...deal with it...you can only do so much naturally before you have to do something that works!
You have driven some posters away here who were trying to help...and they didn't even live with you, I can only imagine how much more attractive living away from you is to your H right now...you need to change in order to have any hope of saving yourself or your marriage...
If you truly love your son, start by being a mother...stop by laying the guilt of every bad thing on his father as I suspect he couldn't tell you if he missed his dad or really wanted to see his dad out of fear of your reaction...you are crippling your son emotionally the same way, I suspect you were crippled when your parents seperated...
You need to deal with your past...you have a lot of unresolved issues that have nothing to do with H...he can't fix you...you have to find someone who you will listen to and who has the experience to deal with someone who has your issues...
Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for you...but really that isn't what you need at this point...you need to empower yourself and stop using guilt as the tool of choice on your H...no one likes to be made to feel guilty...and the usual response is to avoid it...and in his case it may very well have been a self preserving move he made in leaving you...and until you get help and help yourself and stop depending on him to fix everything and to be everything for you...he won't come home!
Until you get help you can do a few things...look at what you have, be thankful you don't live in Haiti, China, or some other 3rd world country that is in a devistating state right now...be thankful you have a healthy child...you could have a special needs child that is totally dependant on 24/7 care, in diapers, and unable to walk...be thankful that you have a home (even if for just one day)...you need to start focusing on what you have...because, quite frankly you have a lot more then most people...a H does not define a woman, she defines herself!
Take this how you will...you are not alone but if you don't do something you may find out what alone feels like...
Yes, my H and I are back together...but it would not be the case if I had stayed in attendance at my own pity party...
It is good that you are going to school so you can get a good job...
Let me ask you this...do you believe you can get a good job? can you picture yourself on your own AND happy?
how good is the care you are providing your son if you have to call your H to tell him you need to go the hospital because you are emotionally falling apart? Do you think your son doesn't know what is going on? Is he able to look up to you or is he feeling sorry for you? can he talk to you about his problems and feelings or does he have to keep things in so he doesn't burden you more? is your son carrying some of the guilt you are spreading around?
Again, this is not meant to be mean...these are all things I had to honestly assess in my own life when my world came crashing down on me...I wouldn't have been able to move if I did not honestly looked at myself...if I couldn't stand to be around myself how could I expect others to want to be with me? and this included my children!!!
You are right. I have to changing my thinking and stop being a victim. I need to take more action instead of sitting and thinking of negative things. The thing that really gets to me though is if ow is pregnant then I know m is over.
rysmom...unless you have a crystal ball, you cannot predict what will happen with your marraige! Please put the thought of the OW being pregnant out of your mind until you know for a fact that she is.
You are getting very good advice...we all want to see you succeed in becoming stronger!!!
Do you read other posters threads? There are so many different situations out there but in the end, we all want to have the same happily ever after...I love to see how much everyone is growing and becoming stronger and more confident LBS's and some are just fun to read!!! Yes, we are still allowed to find some fun in life!!!
You can do this rysmom!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Read what you just wrote! You state that you need to take more action instead of sitting and thinking of negative things...then you go right into a negative "if ow is pregnant then I know m is over"
Well it might be over...if that is what YOU want...but I happen to have a best friend whose H left, had an A, had a child, and then came back to her (it was over a few years span)...and they have been back together for 14+ years now...so you don't KNOW with a certainty that it is over...even IF there is a pregnant OW...which, from what I have read, you have no proof!
This is where you need to stop...no really STOP (picture the big red hexigone sign)...when you start thinking something that is negative or makes you sad throw up the STOP sign and immediately change your thought...think about the birds singing, your son's first steps, your favorite fruit and how good it tastes when it comes into season, you favorite funny movie...you have control, use it!
The bottom line is this...YOU HAVE TO BE OK NO MATTER WHAT! YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY AS A SINGLE WOMAN IF THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS! THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CONTROL IS HOW YOU CHOOSE TO FEEL...YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE OKAY OR YOU CAN ROLL UP IN A BALL AND WAIT FOR THE GUYS IN THE WHITE COATS!
How do you know that for certain? You can't predict the future. It sounds more like you are falling into the negative thinking again only this time you are projecting the worst that could possibly happen. If the OW is pregnant the only thing that really means is that she will have a baby. It doesn't mean your h won't return to you if what he sees in you is better than the OW. But, that's the clincher, isn't it? Are you making yourself look more desirable than her? Are you showing him he's making a huge mistake by leaving when he would be losing a great woman?
So far, it doesn't sound like it from your posts. Because you don't believe that of yourself. You have believed the lies of negativity and are wallowing in it. I am not being critical of you, because I've been there myself! And occasionally I slip back into my own pity party.....I just learned not to dwell there. You know why? Because it's EXHAUSTING!!! And what does all that get you in the end? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! You then are so depressed you can't stand yourself, let alone anyone else wanting to be around you. You might have given yourself a headache, upset stomach, etc. And the atmosphere around you is awful! How do I know this? Because I've done it to myself.
You have a choice. Continue to be a miserable person who wants to strike out at everyone, or suck it up, put one foot in front of the other and decide that for the next 10 minutes you are going to be positive. And after that 10 minutes is over, make your goal for another 10 minutes, etc. You can do this! And the next time you want to be negative, keep it brief and keep it to yourself. Have you ever heard the phrase "garbage in, garbage out?" Well, it applies to you big time! You hear the words that come out of your mouth and you start to believe it. You dwell on those. So, stop it with the stinking thinking! If a negative thought comes into your mind, tell yourself you refuse to believe that anymore. Say positive words out loud... you are a strong person, you can handle this, you are determined to make it, etc. Of course you will feel like you're lying to yourself.....we all feel that way.
I have a book to recommend to you. I have read it and I keep reading it over and over again when I fall into that negative line of thinking again. It's Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It's excellent and it fits your situation perfectly. We are responsible for what we believe and how we react. You can't force your husband to act a certain way. But, you can change your way of thinking. If you really want your husband to come back to you....give him a reason to. You would have never attracted him to you in the first place by acting the way you have been. I confess that after reading your posts, I have come to believe he didn't leave....he escaped. Become the woman he wants to come home to. And if that doesn't happen.....you will be a strong, independent woman who he will look back on and realize he royally messed up.
By the way, I don't care how depressed you are.....do not act that way around your son. I'm sure he's a bright boy and understands more than you think he does. Put all of your attention on making yourself better and making the life with your son the best ever. He is your priority now, not your husband. Remember, our kids watch what we do. You are teaching him a lot just by your actions. I'm sure you are a good mother....but your example has not been the best towards him. You can do better....we all can. Fake it until you make it!
I texted h and told him he can come get bike and guitar tomorrow. It makes me nervous because I wont know where he is then. he might be out riding around with ow. It makes me sad. It is hard to let go.
If a negative thought comes into your mind, tell yourself you refuse to believe that anymore. Say positive words out loud... you are a strong person, you can handle this, you are determined to make it, etc. Of course you will feel like you're lying to yourself.....we all feel that way.