I just can't take it anymore

[CityGirl]

Again, I ask you... would you consider calling a suicide hot line? What would be helpful to you this minute? Not forever but just for right now?

I would like to help you and be there for you but I am asking for some guidance on how to do that. Can you help me understand what would be best?

[james217]

James,

Calm down. I think it's safe to say we have all felt a little like dying during all of this. Part of us does die. We have to let the part that is still inside flourish and grow. No easy task and it takes time.

Get the help that you need. Vent here all you want. People who don't even know you are worried about you. This is a life changing event. You have to make the decision to deal with it no matter how hard it seems to be at any given time. Go off somewhere and cry, scream, and get it all out. But, be done with it for a while. The feelings creep back, it's normal. What is not normal or healthy, is not dealing with them. We all hurt. I don't think you are hurting any more than me, or CG, or anyone else that has found themselves in this shi77y situation.

I don't know what else to say. GET SOME HELP. Please!

it's not just WAW. it's losing my kids. my mind, my health, friends have avoided me until they need something from me now. Family doesn't get it.

Heck I don't get it.

I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. BUT EVERYWHERE I TURN I'M TOLD TO HANG IN THERE OR THEY JUST TAKE THEIR SWEET TIME AND I'M GETTING WORSE.

MY TEMPER IS OUT OF CONTROL. MY EMOTIONS AND HIGHS AND LOWS ARE BAD. REAL BAD. I DO THINGS AND DON'T REMEMBER OR DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY I DID. I HAVE NO ANSWER FOR IT.

I DO WHAT THEY ASK ME TO DO. THEN I'M TOLD I GOTTA DO MORE OF THIS OR THAT BEFORE THIS CAN HAPPEN. ALL WHILE I'M FALLING APART.

[james217]

Again, I ask you... would you consider calling a suicide hot line? What would be helpful to you this minute? Not forever but just for right now?

I would like to help you and be there for you but I am asking for some guidance on how to do that. Can you help me understand what would be best?

ive called those hotlines. it's just someone on the other end reading from a script telling you words they don't mean. then you hang up the phone and feel like sh!t again. i've been calling them for 2 months off and on.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL TOTALLY LOST AND DEAD WITHOUT MY KIDS. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. THAT BECAUSE I GOT SICK I LOST MY FAMILY. MAYBE IF I WAS NORMAL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BEST ANYMORE. MAYBE EVERYONE BEING AWAY FROM ME?

[robx]

so if you had your kids right now and say they were older and going through similar or exactly the same problems in their own lives and they were feeling like you are feeling right now exactly, what would you tell them?

I'm assuming you love them, you talk about them enough.
What would you tell them if they were going through what you're going through right now? How would you calm them down, how would you get them to see the good in the situation? How would you give them the strength and inspiration to continue on with life and do better when the world around them appears to be $hitting on them everyday?

I'm serious, I'm asking you real questions, what would you do?

[timehealsall]

James,

Think about it this way.

Do you realize how much hurt and despair you'd put your kids through if you did something such as ending your life?

I have felt absolutely hopeless and the pain was so unbearable at times that I wanted SOO bad to just make it go away. I had no patience at all! I wanted it nipped right away.

The one thing that got me through was thinking about my children. Thinking about how that would affect them. I may have my problems and what not, but I want to set an example for my kids. I don't want them to think that the way I (would have) handled this situation is the way THEY should.

Always remember that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.

We are here for you. hugs!

[CityGirl]

James, I have shared quite a bit about my health struggles. I can very much relate to feeling so bad about so many things you start to wonder if anything will ever change.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some very dangerous thoughts during the most horrible time for me. I actually told my C not all that long ago that I think I understand the appeal of drinking yourself to death just to escape. For once I think I actually understood on a fundamental level why my father drank so much.

You have many issues and they will not all get solved at once. The thing to try and remember is eventually something will change and chances are it will change for the better. At this time we don't know how or when but it is very rare (even if you just follow the laws of probability) that things will remain this grave forever.

Right now you feel like the world is against you. I am not against you. I am not sure you fully understand the state I was in one year ago. It was bad. Very bad. Would you like to work some of the steps with me I had to take? I still have to do the "steps" each day. Would you like to do them together?

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm with DLS on that one. I didn't have the health issues, but I did have Police issues not really similar, but in some ways just as troublesome. My Ex was a Barber . . . in the Barber shop most of the Local Police used because they gave free haircuts. She was on a first name basis with pretty much ALL the police in our town, and she abused that greatly to my expense. I finally got a handle on that by complaining directly to the Sheriff, who at first thought I was full of crap . . .but a few hours later called me back and apologized and told me it would stop . . .which it mostly did.

Anyway, not sure why a few people on here seem to think beating people down and insulting the crap out of them is a real good way of "helping' you, but, having been in your shoes, at least somewhat, I know from personal experience that when you really are getting "kicked in the head by life" so-to-speak, we tend to look at every little annoying thing in life as just another kick in the head. Which isn't a good mindset.

Sounds like you do need to change your environment, like others suggested, that did help me. It didn't 'make everything better' not by a longshot actually . . .but it was better. And when you're as down as you seem to be, every little bit helps. Hang in there, God loves ya, we're his children, but just like a good parent, some things He just has to let "us kids" come to grips with pretty much on our own. Make no mistake, God can . . .and possibly has, already, even if unbeknownst to you, intervened a bit on your behalf, but largely, we have to handle the details ourselves. Bad things do happen to good people unfortunately. Just keep plugging away man, and do what you can to help yourself. Change a few things. Join a Gym or something, take a college or community center class on wood turning or something, join a club of some sort. But hang in there.

Bummedout,

Your wife was a barber in a male barbershop frequented by police? They harrassed you based on what she was saying. At some point isn't it illegal?

[james217]

so if you had your kids right now and say they were older and going through similar or exactly the same problems in their own lives and they were feeling like you are feeling right now exactly, what would you tell them?

I'm assuming you love them, you talk about them enough.
What would you tell them if they were going through what you're going through right now? How would you calm them down, how would you get them to see the good in the situation? How would you give them the strength and inspiration to continue on with life and do better when the world around them appears to be $hitting on them everyday?

I'm serious, I'm asking you real questions, what would you do?

Good question but I honestly don't know. how can I teach them something that I honestly don't know? I wouldn't be a good example of how not to quit right now.

Let's see I'd say "sons and daughter? don't quit. You should keep pushing on. Even though your father did not achieve anything and has nothing to show for it? You should go out there and try very very hard just to fail!"

nobody wants to hear anything from a failure man

[james217]

James,

Think about it this way.

Do you realize how much hurt and despair you'd put your kids through if you did something such as ending your life?

I have felt absolutely hopeless and the pain was so unbearable at times that I wanted SOO bad to just make it go away. I had no patience at all! I wanted it nipped right away.

The one thing that got me through was thinking about my children. Thinking about how that would affect them. I may have my problems and what not, but I want to set an example for my kids. I don't want them to think that the way I (would have) handled this situation is the way THEY should.

Always remember that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.

We are here for you. hugs!

Yea I think about them but maybe they are better off?

s10 was acting up in school and told his mother he did not have a father

s10 talks more to WAW than me because what bioMOM has told hiim and the fact he's mad at me because WAW (who he really loves) is not around.

s3 may be better of

sd8 hates me. she finally can say my name after I had to take her to cps after a year. I'll probably never see her again.

then WAW acts like she doesn't give a fucc? She just hugged me Thursday and told me she knows I'm not right that I'm trying and that she knows I'll get better. I cried and she hugged me. Then Friday we argued saturday we argued and i haven't heard from her since.

[timehealsall]

Forget about WAW.

The reason why your kids are acting out is because they NEED you. They want the attention...Never say that they don't need you. I know it seems like they have a rotten way of showing it but that's how kids are.