Invinceable

[mishka422]

Hey guys! Yesterday was nice. I spent the day at church and then went to visit my mom. In the middle of all of that was laundry and grocery shopping. All in all it was a nice day capped off by dinner out with Marc and Gabe. It felt like family time and that was so nice.

Nothing new or exciting going on. I'm still trying to figure out what I want and that is no easy thing for me to do. I focus too much on doing what is good for others without considering how it will effect me and I know that is horrible for me but it's a lifelong habit I'm still trying to break. I'll get there.

Wii - I don't believe Gabe will ever willingly sit down and talk to me about his feelings or the A. That doesn't stop me from wishing it though. Not so much about the A, the haunting images from that is mine to deal with, but more about how he is feeling now. What his expectations are. Is that unreasonable? He won't sit down and do this on his own, but he tends to follow me so if I talk to him about my feelings there is a possibility he may reciprocate. I don't have the guts to do it though.

Does he do anything for you?

All the time. He did that all through our M too but then turned around and told me that I treated him like a piece of furniture and an errand boy. I did used to ask him to do small things for me but nothing outrageous and only when I didn't have the time to do it myself and I knew he had some free time. Was that wrong? That's something I'm confused about. I don't ask him to do anything for me unless I'm out of options and then when I do ask I feel like it's weak and pathetic. For example, today I left some papers laying on the table in the living room that I neede for work today. I asked him if he would mind dropping them by my office on the way to work (he passes here on his way). He did it, no problem, but I felt like I was being extremely needy in asking him. That is my problem, not his, it's my perception of what he must think of me for needing his help. It's more like a gut reaction, not true belief.

OT - I make every effort to be who I have become over the last few years and not fall back into past patterns. It's difficult but I know it's what is necessary for me to feel better about myself. You are right, I probably do lie to myself about what he thinks about me, what he does or doesn't feel, and even what I feel and want. Why? That's the million dollar question but I feel like I'm closing in on it. It feels like if I admit to myself (let alone anyone else) that I love Gabe and would like to try to build a new R with him that I am accepting mediocrity and disappointing myself and my family and friends. Now, everyone has to start somewhere and mediocre has potential for growth. Does that make sense? It does in my twisted little brain but I don't know if it's coming out right.

Regarding the martyr crap, I can't even bear comment on it.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm coming off sounding like I'm having a martyr complex right now. I'm working hard not to slip into that. I own what I'm doing, I'm not saying he is the cause of these emotions. I know I brought it all on myself and now I have to deal with it. That's what I'm trying to do.

There was a dream I had the other night that has stuck with me and the more I think about it, it seems to be the way I view myself and my R with Gabe.

I was a vase (yes, a vase..you know, aren't we all innanimate objects in our dreams? LOL Not usually.) and I was sitting on the mantle in the living room. Gabe came in a picked me up off the mantle and put me in with the garage sale stuff. I was old and no longer useful to him but not chipped or broken so I could be sold. The garage sale came and went and no one bought me so I was left in a box in the garage. Gabe bought a new vase and put it in my place. He was in the garage one day and pulled me out of the dark box and carried me inside. I was put on a table by the couch instead of in the place of honor on the mantle. I noticed that the new vase wasn't there either but he didn't metion what happened to it. He would pick me up, put flowers in me, say nice things about the way I looked and was generally happy with the way the flowers looked in the water I held for them. He grew tired of me again though and put me back in the garage sale box and bought another vase.

It seems to show me what I feel he thinks of me. I don't KNOW what he thinks or feels toward me so I assume things. I feel like I am easily replaceable in his life by whoever takes his fancy. Like the vase, I was old and boring and replaced by something new but when something went wrong with the new one, old faithful was pulled out of the box and is a good placeholder until he finds something new again.

None of these feelings are because of anything he is doing. I am in no way blaming him for my feelings but I do think that my not being able to voice my feelings to him is causing me to spin around like this.

Martyr? NO! Absolutely not! I own this mess and it's up to me to fix it. I'm just too scared to.