I just can't take it anymore

[james217]

I feel defeated.

These two months have been a battle

WAW Infidelity, an std, toxic arguments, with Mling, dates, and long conversations.

Disabilities, crazy situations, a life without the children.

All of this is too much. I wish I could just crawl under and rock and sleep. I hate living. I wake up everyday feeling like I have no control over who I am anymore.

I do things and dont understand why. I cannot deal with all the thoughts and emotions I'm feeling.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel lost. I'm in a daze. I wonder why God wakes me up everyday.

My goals seem so far away. My family seems lightyears away. It's like being on the otherside of jail bars talking to them on the phone but never being able to see or touch them.

Then eventually nobody comes. I really hate life. I don't enjoy it. The only thing that made dealing with all of the bs of this world was my family. It motivated me. It made me want to get up and fight.

I just really am tired.

[Wildaces81]

I feel overwhelmed. I feel lost. I'm in a daze. I wonder why God wakes me up everyday.

He wakes you up because you are his child. Because he wants you to find him. He knows you are suffering and guess what you will not be given more than you can handle.

Then eventually nobody comes.

I'm here right now. We are strangers but we have the same thing in common. You have hope and you are going to find it here. Everyone here is or has experianced what you are going through and they will be here for you. Use this website, gain strength from what people will tell you. Use their advice to gain peace and rest.

Aces

[robx]

I wonder why God wakes me up everyday.

... and yet he does wake you up,
every single day,
even though you complain constantly,
even though you shrug away his gift of life to you,
even though you never have much good to say about anything,
even though you focus on every bad F!@#$* thing,
even though you never focus more than 2 seconds on any one good thing,
even though you think you are weak,
even though you are scared,
even though you are insecure and ineffectual,
even though you don't stand up for yourself when you should,
even though when he speaks to you through the voices of so many people in your life either on this site and through your friends and family,
even though you never listen to him,

he still makes time for you,
to "wake you up" every day even though you squander the gift of life given to you, he still wakes you up everyday so that you can bitch about how hard life is, methinks it's possible the old man is giving you a message, maybe he wouldn't bother "waking you up" everyday if he didn't believe in you and the untapped potential that's in you waiting for you to actualize and release it. That is the power he has given you, that along with the power of choice, to continue living like you are or choosing to do better.

Thank God for that gift of "waking you up" everyday literally because regardless of how bad your life is, there is some poor schmuck out there who has it 10 or 100 times worse.

FYI - His (God) patience is infinitely greater than my own.

[CityGirl]

I really am at a loss here. I was pretty upfront that I really don't know how else to advise you but what I could do was support and encourage you. I am not sure how to support or encourage this outlook.

I agree with Rob 100%. You choose to overlook what you should be beyond grateful for. You have a roof over your head, food and water, clothing and health care. Is your situation ideal? No, it is not. As long as you are alive you have the opportunity to improve your situation.

You CHOSE to keep engaging with your W for the past two months. You were advised up and down not to. You CHOSE not to listen. Your choice resulted in:

An STD
The tolerance of multiple affairs
Getting stabbed by your W
Your W being taken to a hospital w/law enforcement involved
And basic dramatic and toxic behavior

You spend so much time thinking about what you can't do you have stopped looking for solutions. It is always somebody else's fault it seems... your parents, the state, the dr's, the police, the biological mother of your children, the attny's, your W and so on.

Are you telling me that there is only ONE counselor you can see? If that is the case (which I find hard to believe) then why have you spent the last 8 weeks saying you plan to get back to C'ing if it wasn't even a viable option?

You have spent the past 8 weeks engaging with your W when there were all kinds of other things that needed attention. My gosh, here I thought you had NO custody of your children and now we learn you do but you just can't seem to see them due to their mother. Why not look for an immediate solution to that problem instead of going out to eat and fighting with your W?

If you think I don't understand medical problems you are wrong. Plain and simple you are wrong. And don't say "well, I am not as strong as you". It has nothing to do with strength and everything to do with choices.

My neighbor who is my dear friend is in the hospital. He is in complete renal failure and is retaining so much fluid he can't breath on his own for more than a few hours. He had a kidney transplant 22 yrs ago. His body is no longer metabolizing food correctly. This is a man who has done everything "right". He follows dr's orders to the letter of the law. He goes to work each day. He NEVER complains. And now he had no idea what his future holds until he can get back on the transplant list. See, right now he is just not 'sick enough'. You know what he said yesterday? I guess the best thing to do is take one day at at time. He CHOOSES to be positive. Take a lesson from his book.

[james217]

I really am at a loss here. I was pretty upfront that I really don't know how else to advise you but what I could do was support and encourage you. I am not sure how to support or encourage this outlook.

I agree with Rob 100%. You choose to overlook what you should be beyond grateful for. You have a roof over your head, food and water, clothing and health care. Is your situation ideal? No, it is not. As long as you are alive you have the opportunity to improve your situation.

You CHOSE to keep engaging with your W for the past two months. You were advised up and down not to. You CHOSE not to listen. Your choice resulted in:


You spend so much time thinking about what you can't do you have stopped looking for solutions. It is always somebody else's fault it seems... your parents, the state, the dr's, the police, the biological mother of your children, the attny's, your W and so on.

Are you telling me that there is only ONE counselor you can see? If that is the case (which I find hard to believe) then why have you spent the last 8 weeks saying you plan to get back to C'ing if it wasn't even a viable option?



You have spent the past 8 weeks engaging with your W when there were all kinds of other things that needed attention. My gosh, here I thought you had NO custody of your children and now we learn you do but you just can't seem to see them due to their mother. Why not look for an immediate solution to that problem instead of going out to eat and fighting with your W?

If you think I don't understand medical problems you are wrong. Plain and simple you are wrong. And don't say "well, I am not as strong as you". It has nothing to do with strength and everything to do with choices.

My neighbor who is my dear friend is in the hospital. He is in complete renal failure and is retaining so much fluid he can't breath on his own for more than a few hours. He had a kidney transplant 22 yrs ago. His body is no longer metabolizing food correctly. This is a man who has done everything "right". He follows dr's orders to the letter of the law. He goes to work each day. He NEVER complains. And now he had no idea what his future holds until he can get back on the transplant list. See, right now he is just not 'sick enough'. You know what he said yesterday? I guess the best thing to do is take one day at at time. He CHOOSES to be positive. Take a lesson from his book.

Already had the std. Just didn’t know it. It was dormant. WAW had been gone for 2 weeks at that point and we had NOT TOUCHED each other. I told you that already several times. That was before her P.A. even occurred. She found out she got it from SD8’s father years ago and was a carrier of it because he has it, never told her until she asked after I told her I had it. She has not seen him in 7 years and that's pretty jacked up.

Didn’t stab me I got cut taking knife from her. It’s a little gash.


I never said I didn’t take responsibility for anything. But I also know that a man should not be beaten to a bloody pulp and tazed for NO APPARENT REASON. NO WARRANT. NOTHING. I dealt with that. Lost 7 freaking years of my life from it because it took me two years after the probation to clear my name. Then as soon as I make progress and start working and go back to school guess what? I’m hit with a million health issues. I took the lumps and dealt with maximum probation, voice recognition, random drug tests, and house visits, community service, and 4 probation appointments a month all while working and going to school. Even though I was freaking innocent. Then to overcome that to go through all of these health issues? What do I gotta do to get a break? I don't bother people. I try to help. I always have. So why can't I get a break on ANYTHING?

I gave the state every piece of information that was required. I have had 3 different vocational counselors because I’ve had to file a complaint against TWO OF THEM for not making sure I had the materials I needed for school or any other thing after giving them everything they asked for and just flat out refusing to set up Doctor's appointments that the state already paid for. That went off until OCTOBER of last year. So you best believe I'm frustrated because I want to WORK. I want to move forward but how can I when I can't get anything resolved?

I just got a call from my CURRENT VOCATIONAL COUNSELOR’S ASSISTANT stating they did not Know I was supposed to have eye surgery on May 20th. Now I’m trying to figure out how that can be when I talked to both of them on the phone, faxed them THE PAPERWORK from every single doctor I’ve been to and all the doctors have called as well. So I myself went to the local hospital and passed out trying to get insurance. But If I use that insurance, the state will not pay for it and on top of that they are backed up. I have appointments scheduled for Months from now all because I cannot get ONE neurology appointment so I can be cleared for the surgery, get my diabetes stuff to stop me from seizuring, acting irrational and doing a lot of crazy crap that my I.C. and STATE PSYC EVALUATOR stated is directly caused by the diabetes.


The last time I saw S3, I almost ended up in jail. She accused me of kidnapping him even though our court order and our agreement were I keep him for a month. The police were called on me several times and brought to my parents house. I tried to filed a complaint against her and guess what? Nothing was done. I’ve had court order in hand, called police for escort to get S3 and nothing happens. When we had our mediation hearing 2 weeks ago they told her it was against the law to not let me see but you know what? It’s not ENFORCED. She takes it as a joke because they don’t do anything. It’s the same with S10.


Sorry bout your friend. I can only dream of having doctor’s orders to follow though. I can’t even get in to see them. I’ve been on the cornea transplant list now it’s my time and I’m doing everything they ask but I don’t know what to eat because I just found out I’m diabetic. I’m supposed to have a nutritionist. All I can do is wait and try not to get sick. I don't even know if my sugar is too high or too low. I just guess. Ill drink alot of water and if I don't feel better then I'll eat something sweet. So I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels geustimating and it's not working.

I believe that also has had an impact on situation with WAW and everyone else because they all have stated ive been acting weird. WAW said she is afraid of me because im so moody and irritable and irrational slurring my words getting extremely angry and doing illogical things even when she doesn't think anything is going wrong.

Yes This is the one recommended after I have an all day psychologic assessment. I had I.C. through cps but that ended when WAW signed rights away to SD8. I don’t think the cps counseling was very effective because the counselor I’m supposed to see specializes in disabilities, life skills, and was personally recommended by my Psychological evaluator. She’s been added to my Division of Blind Services vocational plan and she’s the only I can go see. I’ve already tried to see if the state will allow me to see other doctors or counselors and they won’t pay for them. They have a list of who I’m supposed to see and that’s it. She’s also been out of the office for the past 3 weeks so I have not gotten to see her recently. I’ve had one in person session and 2 phone sessions.


I'm not very logical. I'm not good at explaining myself. The reason I know is because i've said some of this stuff before. I've just not explained it properly. I probably still haven't.

I'm everyone's burden. I already know it. They just don't tell me to my face. I hear the comments of how crazy I am. How they really don't want me here. I see it in their eyes.

The man I used to be is gone and I don't know how to get him back. I hate being here.

What's the use of living if you're stuck in one spot no matter how hard you try to fix things in your life? I've walked 2 and 3 hours to get to places. I've pased out and almost died trying to get health insurance.

WAW even told my Vocational Counselor. I was in the hospital damn near dead and not a single family member (except waw) showed up so why wouldn't I turn to her or think she was sincere?

Maybe she was maybe I just blew it because she's not talking to me because of my erratic behaviour.

I cry then get mad or sad or depressed or angry then real angry then do crazy stuff or say hurtful things. It's like I have no control anymore and I'm trying to get help.

[DaddyLongShanks]

James217,


You might just need to get out of that particular environment. Its also not going to help you to complain. Getting hooked up with someone(s) mostly on the positive side of life will help a ton.

[james217]

I wonder why God wakes me up everyday.

... and yet he does wake you up,
every single day,
even though you complain constantly,
even though you shrug away his gift of life to you,
even though you never have much good to say about anything,
even though you focus on every bad F!@#$* thing,
even though you never focus more than 2 seconds on any one good thing,
even though you think you are weak,
even though you are scared,
even though you are insecure and ineffectual,
even though you don't stand up for yourself when you should,
even though when he speaks to you through the voices of so many people in your life either on this site and through your friends and family,
even though you never listen to him,

he still makes time for you,
to "wake you up" every day even though you squander the gift of life given to you, he still wakes you up everyday so that you can bitch about how hard life is, methinks it's possible the old man is giving you a message, maybe he wouldn't bother "waking you up" everyday if he didn't believe in you and the untapped potential that's in you waiting for you to actualize and release it. That is the power he has given you, that along with the power of choice, to continue living like you are or choosing to do better.

Thank God for that gift of "waking you up" everyday literally because regardless of how bad your life is, there is some poor schmuck out there who has it 10 or 100 times worse.

FYI - His (God) patience is infinitely greater than my own.

rob I wish we could trade places for a day. Then you can see why "I'm bitching" about being woke up only to get nothing resolved even if I show up at an appointment or take care of business or do what's asked nothing changes.

That's frustrating especially when you know your mind and body are rebelling against you and most of the time you don't even know wtf you're doing or why you're doing it. Im supposed to see a neurologist to find out why I cannot "maturely handel interpersonal conflict" AS MY PSCY EVALUATOR STATED. That was in October. It's May. still waiting. While my memory gets worse. My behavior is more erratic and nobody understands wtf is going on because I don't even get it.

Sometimes I dn't even remember doing or saying the things that I'm told I do. So what's the freaking point? I'm tired of it all. Something has got to give. If nothing positive is going on what do I celebrate.

whoo hoo yay I woke up today knowing that I'm not going to get shyt accomplished?

That I'm going to take a job and lose it in a week because I find out I have more doctor's appointments planned but nothing ever gets done? I never get meds just told it's this or that then more tests and more tests.

i'm not a freaking lab rat. If that's what I have to look forward to then I might as well look back over my shoulder.

Lets do some positive thinking.

Today is a good day. I've puked a ridiculous amount of times. My feet and hands keep tingling. WAW is avoiding me because she fears me because I'm sick and need professional help that I cannot obtain. My parents are ready for me to leave. My eye surgery is about to be pushed back again. I can't test my blood sugar because I have no meds. Yep today is a wonderful day and I should be thankful that I woke up just to puke my guts out all day and try to set goals and do what is asked of me by those who are supposed to help with these matters but just don't take care of them.

Life is grand!

[DaddyLongShanks]

James217,

You need to get out of there. If you get into any environments where you have to complain alot, and especially if your reasonable complaints are not heard or addressed, its unhealthy.

I wonder if any of your current health issues where exaggerated due to your situation, or even some you may have not had - if you had not been under the intense stress of your environment.

It sounds like its hell for you, and when we realize thats where were at - we need to be finding a way out. There is no manning up in that situation. Thats my opinion from what I hear.

[Serenity13]

James~

If nothing positive is going on what do I celebrate

You celebrate another day to get it right...He gave you breath this morning and allowed you to wake up...Stop trying to take the cowards way out and get on your knees and thank Him for today...

whoo hoo yay I woke up today knowing that I'm not going to get shyt accomplished?

I am sorry but your attitude sucks....Each and every single one of us could have a pity party each and every single day - You are choosing to only look at the bad...Try looking at just the positives - No matter how small they are.


My Pastor once told me maybe 2 months after all this started -

"Don't focus on what you no longer have because then you lose focus on what is still in front of you."

I think that fits here.

(((Hugs)))

[robx]

James you're right,
I agree with you 100%,
life is too hard,
I don't know how you're going to handle it,
so what will you do now?