New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Michelle,

I have been applying for jobs where my W and the boys live, but no success yet. As far as the job overseas, I actually got selected for the Foreign Service which invloves living overseas. It's been a tough process, but I made the cut. For now, I am driving on with that option, unless something opens up where my W is. I figure what's the difference between what I am doing now and living abroad? I hardly see my Boys in the first place. I've been away from them for 2 long years.

I pray my W will change her mind. I have til DEC before physically going to the foreign service training center. So a lot can happen in 8 months...

I read on another post that if the LBS backs off, this could be a good trigger for the WAW to start coming back, being attracted again to the LBS. So I really haven't made any effort to contact my W or anything. Any insight on DOs and DON'Ts as far as backing off, going dark, etc?

JR09

[MichelleLT]

You own Divorce Remedy right? You should reread it. I always found it gave me focus and inspiration.

Going dark gives her a chance to miss you. It makes the WAS think you are moving on with your life, whether you are really keeping the door open for reconciliation or not. Initially, a lot of them feel relieved, the pressure is off. But underneath, they often find once they have processed those feelings, there is loneliness and regret and even love still. Then they have to decide what to do about it.

It's a fine line to walk if the WAS is insecure and/or prideful - they often won't give in to the desire to reconcile because they are afraid you will reject them or because they cannot admit they made a mistake cuz it makes them feel foolish.

A lot of times what happens though is that they find excuses to contact you. To feel you out and see how much you have moved on (it's good to be GAL and happy obviously).

The only way to see how your W reacts is to try it. And give it a good chance, a few weeks, to see if it changes how she reacts/interacts with you at all.

[JR09]

OK Michelle. WILCO.

Thanks for being a good battle buddy. I will chime in again soon

JR

[JR09]

2 years since my W left with our boys. 2 years...and still no divorce. I guess I must be doing something right with DBing...If W seems to not be pushing for D right now, I take it as a positive sign somehow. Everyone I know who say they are going to divorce have already officially started the process and are not looking back. My W does not fit that mold for now. Good sign I believe...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Of course it's a positive sign!

To make progress, there must be other positive baby steps.

But you have a lot of positives.

Stay focused on the goal. Keep monitoring your results. Keep brainstorming ways to rekindle that friendship and connection.

Slow and steady.

[JR09]

A lot of times what happens though is that they find excuses to contact you. To feel you out and see how much you have moved on

Well, maybe this is exactly what happened today. I haven't contacted W for any reason for the past 2 weeks. Then out of the blue W calls. She tried to call twice already during the day but I didn't return the call. This evening, she calls again and I decide to answer. She said she lost her debit card and just wanted me to know about it. She said she already contacted our bank and made arrangements to have a new card sent out.

Later I thought about all this and somehow concluded that W could have just emailed me to inform me. Especially when she lost the debit card 2 days ago. I ended asking how the boys were doing and she shared a bit of info. Very nice conversation albeit short. Nice nonetheless. Maybe 2 years ago I would have freaked out about her losing her debit card. But that was 2 years ago. This evening, I told W not to worry and that it was an easy fix. Calm, composed, and reassuring. That's how I portrayed myself. Maybe W noticed...

In any case, there were no negative emotions at all in W's voice this evening. And I just showcased myself as a calm and collected person. Maybe that reassured her as well and she didn't need to put up defenses or be on her guard. I didn't make a big deal at all about the lost debit card (I would have 2 years ago...).

Good interaction. I'll stay detached still and see if W will initiate contact again sometime soon... More to follow. Can I count tonight's contact as W trying to find an excuse to feel me out ???

JR09

[MichelleLT]

So, she lost the card, she handled it, and really she had no reason that she HAD to tell you about it. Especially 2 days later. Yet for some reason she called to say so. Not e-mail nor text, but called.

I think it counts LOL.

Good job on staying calm and making chit chat!

[JR09]

Journaling. I feel depressed and bummed today. 2 years of separation is a long time...I talked with my boys last night. S11 was quite sick. The best I could do was say a prayer with him over the phone. This is crushing me. I know many people are on this site going through the same thing. It still is tough.

Somehow these past 2 years have been a real growth experience. It's all mental. The physical separation is hard, but staying mentally balanced is even harder. Putting on a game face and going to work is not easy when I feel as if I've lost everything.

I didn't know I could last this long. One day at a time.

I have to keep reminding myself what progress I made since my W left. It's so easy to just dwell on the negative. The positives keep me going. Every baby step, every little victory, every day without crying is a positive. I have to keep going.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Whether you stay S or get D, it's still the same losses. It sucks. Yep. 1000%.

Definitely focus on the progress. Focus on the kids. Keep working on your goals. Life has to go on. So make it a good one.

[JR09]

Memorial Day today. I went to a BBQ to be with neighbors and get some good food. The Boys have been asking me about our next link-up for their summer vacation. I told them I'll discuss it with W.

I came across this couple in my church who, unbeknownst to me, were also separated for 2 years before reuniting. That gave me a lot of hope with my W. I talk with them. In their case, the husband was the WAS. The W went back to her parents(just like my W did). The W told me she did pursue then decided to step back. The husband contacted her 2 years later, tired of being alone.

I saw a few similarities with my own situation which gave me a boost of hope. The advice I received from the couple was to GAL, detach, and not let anyone tell me it's over. I think I've been doing that lately. Let's see how it goes...

JR09