help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

There are 3 options: work on the marriage (with a transparency and no contact with OM agreement in place), separate/divorce, or limbo. She will definitely take limbo, but you don't want that. Give her the two other options and let her choose.

Yup!!!

Are you wrong for waiting? Depends on why you are waiting. If you are not ready to deliver the message yet, and are still getting your ducks in a row, then fine.

I'm being as honest with you, and therefore myself, as I can be. I really do enjoy the stress free atmosphere that has been here the last two days. I do realize it has only been two days and I know it can and will change without warning. I am getting my ducks in a row and practicing what to tell her and how to say it. I am taking Coach's suggestions as well as yours and others I have read here. I need the presentation to be 100%, dead on right.

BTW, Coach's new thread is great. I have to practice what he preaches.

Detachment does take time and it has been long enough for me.

I told W the other night that she needed to tell her parents what was going on so they wouldn't continue to wonder why I wasn't at family events. I heard her talking to her sister on the phone last night that she was going to tell them today. Good. I will have my chance to tell them my side. Not to try and turn them against their daughter, only that I am willing to do anything to save the marriage, this is her decision, and if it means letting go, I guess I will do that too. I don't think they will be very supportive of her actions, but you never know.

Plans for this weekend:

I am taking the kids to see Iron Man 2. They have been begging to see it.

Taking them fishing. They all love to fish.

Having a picnic after church on Sunday and taking their bikes and scooters for them to ride.

They wish Mom would come, but she has a track meet all day Sat and works until 2:00pm on Sunday. Oh, well. Her loss.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[flowmom]

Hey IDU, sorry I haven't popped in recently...I haven't been posting much lately.

It sounds like you are working yourself up to taking a stand. Good for you! I like Coach's script. Fair enough if you're getting ready, but IMO it might even have more impact if you deliver it at a time when things are going "well" at home. If she's thinking she's doing a good job at "managing you", it will throw her even more for a loop when you don't follow her plan. It sounds like a very difficult step to take, but IMO taking a strong stand is a very good idea with a WAW. Putting yourself in the driver's seat and gaining her respect (even if she doesn't like it) will really shift the dynamics.

(((IDU)))

[idontunderstand]

Hi, FM. It's always good to hear from you!

Journaling:

W had a track meet two hours away on Sat. morn. She left at 6:00. I took the kids to see Iron Man in the afternoon and they loved it. I liked it too. We then went to eat and play at McDonalds for a long while. We stopped at a park on the way home and flew kites. It was pretty windy so it didn't take much work to get them up and flying. The twins had a blast with them. The two little ones thought they were "cool", but too much work. After watching their brothers for a little while, they hopped on their bikes and scooters and just rode around and played at the playground.

W called around 7:00 and said she was home. I told her we would be there in a while. I asked her how the day went and how the team did. She filled me in and seemed to be in a good mood. We got home later and the kids told her about our day. They were all talking over each other, obviously excited about the day and wanted to tell mom all about it. I gave them all showers and they fell asleep watching TV. W had already went to bed as she had to get up at 3:00 to go to work. A great day with my kids. The only thing missing was mom.

Sun morning was the usual. Went to church, got doughnuts and had a relaxing morning. Our church was selling roses for mother's day so I told the kids to pick some out and they could give them to mom when she got home. Later, W txt me and asked if I had bought my mom a card yet. I said not yet. She said she would pick one up. I told her the kids wanted to make her lunch did she have any suggestions. No, she wasn't hungry. So I make us some lunch, cleaned up and we went outside. W got home a while later and I asked what her plans were for the day. She said her family was going to her Grandma's house. I didn't wait to be invited or excluded, I said I was going to my sister's house. I told the kids 'bye and told W happy mother's day. She said thanks, and off I went.

What a great day!

I came home to finish cutting grass and get some work done around the house. I came home early thinking with no one there, I could get more done and faster. W beat me home. She had only been gone a couple of hours and had about a 45 min drive. Her whole mood had changed. Back to the bitchy alien. I got my work done and when I came in the house, she had the kids showered and they were watching a movie. I showered and came in and sat down. S4 and D6 ran over to sit on dad's lap. W got up, asked why my check was short and I told her I bought gas for the tractor, for my car, etc. "Whatever." Told the kids good-night and off to bed she goes. I put the kids to bed after the movie and went out into my shed. Just to mess around and think.

I am still practicing what and how to say what Coach suggested. I think each day I become more detached. I have quit trying to figure out what sets her off.

I know I can handle it. Yes, still a little scared, but working myself up to doing it. I have to do it right.

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

You are doing okay. Keep practicing what Coach suggested. You can handle it. You have too for you and kiddies.

You have come along way since first posting, and that is what is great about the forum for people in these sitches like us.

Keep detaching and focus on yourself even on the hard days. It will help when you do say what Coach suggested.

I do not have any advice to give, except to say what you need to when the timing is right. You will know when you are ready. Only you can make that decision.

Thanks for the kinds words in my sitch today.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, LSG.

I know I have to take action and stop waiting. Building up to it.

Thanks for the encouragement, I need all I can get. It all helps!!!

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

My sitch has changed for a little bit, but I do know that things will not remain this way if the OM is still around.

I do not know what I would tell you to do. What do your heart and instincts tell you that you should do?

I did what Coach suggested to you once with very little results because I was not ready for his advice, and I was not ready to follow through with it whole heartedly. Make sure that when you do take advice that you are ready to follow it because it won't work. You need to make it for you and work for you. Good advice is great, but if you do not understand what it will do or you are not ready, it won't work. If you need some time to make sure, then take it.

You need to be ready to do what is suggested for you.

Perception, understanding, and time change our perspectives on here daily. I have understood what someone told me today as what I should do at a later time. It is so interesting what time will do to you here, and how it will bring understanding of what is being said and why. You will understand when you are ready or accepting, or when your sitch progresses.

I have changed and grown since being here, and you have too.

Find your own style and way of doing things with what others have suggested to you to fit your own situation.

[idontunderstand]

Journaling:

W had school board meeting last night. When I got home from work, she told me she had to go into work early, so she would leave the meeting and go straight to work and be home in the morning in time for me to leave. She did txt me at 10:30 to say she was heading to work and she would see me in the morning. I txtd back, okay, see you tomorrow.

When she got home, I had the kids ready for school and she walked them to the bus. When she got back to the house, I was ready to leave. She asked if I was coming home tonight or if I was going to my sister's. I asked what was going on at my sister's house. She said nothing, she was just asking. It took me a minute to realize what she was talking about. The whole me going somewhere on certain nights and her going somewhere on other nights. I just smiled and said, yes, I will be home tonight, told her good-bye, and left for work.

I don't know if this is a time where actions are louder than words, but it should reinforce to her that I have no intention of leaving the house, even for a night. I'm sure I need to tell her what Coach suggested, but I thought my response fit the circumstances. We'll see.

Getting more detached all the time. I was very calm about everything and wasn't really upset at all about her being out all night. I can't say I don't have any reason to doubt that she was at work when she said she was, but I do believe she was. Stupid of me, maybe, but I do know they are short handed at her work and she has alway taken the extra hours when she could.

Learning more and more that I will be okay without her. I still worry about the kids. It seems like she doesn't at all.

[idontunderstand]

Well, Coach, I finally did it.

Last night, after W not speaking to me all evening long, and after I helped the kids with homework because she hadn't started with them after 7:00, I asked her to come outside with me for a minute. I told her this:
"You asked me to think about what you said last week about staying at my mom and dad's or sister's house a few nights a week. It took me a few minutes this morning to realize that's what you were talking about when you asked if I was coming home after work or going to my sister's house. I have decided that I won't, I can't leave my kids even for a night. I will go to counseling with you if and when you are ready. I agree that things can't go on like this. I don't agree that things can't get better, or that it's too late, and I definitely don't agree that splitting up would be best for the kids. But, it's your choice. You do what you need to do and I am okay with whatever you chose. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't love me. It's your choice. Let me know what you decide. I have to go now, such and such from work asked me to come over and help him work on his truck, I will see you later."

I went in the house and told the kids good-night and that I would see them in the morning. Then I left. When I got home @ 10:30, W was asleep on the couch and I went to bed. It stormed last night, so S4 and D6 were in bed with me pretty much all night long.

This morning, no talking, very distant. Got ready for work, told the kids 'bye and left 45 min early. I told her good-bye, also. I was cheery and not an a$$ to her at all.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from me.

It is also scary. I can't help worrying about the kids.

What now?

[Coach]

"You asked me to think about what you said last week about staying at my mom and dad's or sister's house a few nights a week. It took me a few minutes this morning to realize that's what you were talking about when you asked if I was coming home after work or going to my sister's house. I have decided that I won't, I can't leave my kids even for a night. I will go to counseling with you if and when you are ready. I agree that things can't go on like this. I don't agree that things can't get better, or that it's too late, and I definitely don't agree that splitting up would be best for the kids. But, it's your choice. You do what you need to do and I am okay with whatever you chose. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't love me. It's your choice. Let me know what you decide. I have to go now, such and such from work asked me to come over and help him work on his truck, I will see you later."

NO, It's your choice on how this marriage will play out. She doesn't get to choose for you. She doesn't want to choose, she wants her man to fight for her.

Victims let things happen to them. Leaders formulate a plan then execute.

Here is what I said:

"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over and I won't move out of my house. If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

You didn't mess up but you need to pay attention to how you say things. Look at the response you got. Lead. You can handle it.


Cheers

[pigskin]

All I can say is "bravo" IDU.

The only thing I would have suggested is putting a deadline on her decision.

You worded your comments very well, in my opinion. Especially letting her know that it will be her decision if you split up. And that you are OK with whatever she chooses - shows strength and confidence in yourself to handle whatever the future holds (even if you aren't really feeling that way).

I'm proud of you.