I really am at a loss here. I was pretty upfront that I really don't know how else to advise you but what I could do was support and encourage you. I am not sure how to support or encourage this outlook.

I agree with Rob 100%. You choose to overlook what you should be beyond grateful for. You have a roof over your head, food and water, clothing and health care. Is your situation ideal? No, it is not. As long as you are alive you have the opportunity to improve your situation.

You CHOSE to keep engaging with your W for the past two months. You were advised up and down not to. You CHOSE not to listen. Your choice resulted in:

An STD
The tolerance of multiple affairs
Getting stabbed by your W
Your W being taken to a hospital w/law enforcement involved
And basic dramatic and toxic behavior

You spend so much time thinking about what you can't do you have stopped looking for solutions. It is always somebody else's fault it seems... your parents, the state, the dr's, the police, the biological mother of your children, the attny's, your W and so on.

Are you telling me that there is only ONE counselor you can see? If that is the case (which I find hard to believe) then why have you spent the last 8 weeks saying you plan to get back to C'ing if it wasn't even a viable option?

You have spent the past 8 weeks engaging with your W when there were all kinds of other things that needed attention. My gosh, here I thought you had NO custody of your children and now we learn you do but you just can't seem to see them due to their mother. Why not look for an immediate solution to that problem instead of going out to eat and fighting with your W?

If you think I don't understand medical problems you are wrong. Plain and simple you are wrong. And don't say "well, I am not as strong as you". It has nothing to do with strength and everything to do with choices.

My neighbor who is my dear friend is in the hospital. He is in complete renal failure and is retaining so much fluid he can't breath on his own for more than a few hours. He had a kidney transplant 22 yrs ago. His body is no longer metabolizing food correctly. This is a man who has done everything "right". He follows dr's orders to the letter of the law. He goes to work each day. He NEVER complains. And now he had no idea what his future holds until he can get back on the transplant list. See, right now he is just not 'sick enough'. You know what he said yesterday? I guess the best thing to do is take one day at at time. He CHOOSES to be positive. Take a lesson from his book.