WAH and LBW separated and dark

[theGoodGirl]

thank you for taking a look at my thread, coach.
it means a lot to me.

Your H is co-dependent, he thinks he is responsible for how his parents feel. He doesn't know where he stops and they start. Solution - teach him by modeling healthy boundaries. This will be good for you.

someone previously thought i was co-dependent.
then i started reading up on it and then realized that there was a strong co-dependency between h and his parents.
my ic has been telling me that in order for the m to work, h has to establish healthy boundaries between his parents and our m. but he has to enforce these boundaries.
during our 4 yrs of marriage, the lines blurred and now i'm the one being forced out.
you are right. h thinks he's responsible for how his parents feel.
when his mother cries and accuses me of upsetting her, he automatically assumes she is right and he gets mad at me.
they have told him that they are questioning his judgement in marrying me.
and because they have planted that seed in him, he started questioning his own judgement.
he feels that his parents would never do him wrong and that they are only trying to help and doing what's best for him.
so he never questions their motive.
i've watched them destroy our marriage and many times, i feel like i'm telling a brick wall that his parents are manipulating him. he accuses me of being the bad one. he just doesn't see it.

how do i teach him healthy boundaries? we are already physically separated.
his mother came to help him pack and she practically did everything for him.
he didn't have to lift a finger.
in his mind, he's hurt from the d-process because he feels he's getting shafted financially. and he's on some emotional rollercoaster and mommy is just here to soothe his pain and make things better because the evil jezebel (me) has made his life miserable. sorry for the rambling but this is word for work what his mother has said.

i feel betrayed because he's asked for the d with no real reason.
now he's blaming me for the financial toll it's taking on him.
is it my fault that he asked for a d without seriously thinking it over?
it's like he thought dropping the d-bomb was revenge for "hurting" his parents .. only to find out that it's coming back to bite him in the wallet.
so now his stupid move is also my fault.

You two do a lot of mind-reading I bet. "You think____________." Since you didn't communicate well you fill in the blanks. Solution - be very clear about what you think and feel. Harville Hendrix has some good examples on healthy dialouge.

yes, i admit. we weren't the best communicators.
when the d-bomb was made an option (but not officially dropped), i laid it out and told him exactly what made me upset. i told him how words he said had hurt me deeply. but i just got a blank stare and it was like he didn't get it.
when i told others, they got it immediately.
i was at a loss for words. it was almost as if he was blocking it.

when i think about it, when h had an issue with me he confided in his mother and never addressed anything with me directly. he would tell me that he'd vent to his mother and she'd "defend" me - giving him the impression that she sided with me. so if i had to enforce boundaries with his mother, it would be seen as a defiant move. here is his mother siding with me, and i'm here being mean to her. so it showed that i was the evil one. does this make sense? in a passive aggressive way.

"H I am not out to get anything more in a D then what the law allows. This wasn't my idea but I am surely going to look out for myself."

Boundary and let's him know what you are thinking.

this is where h started accusing me of being a gold digger. that hurt me too because i was never that. he said that one of our differences was that we had different spending habits - his being more lavish than mine. i said we couldn't both spend that way otherwise we'd go broke. so i saved and was a conservative spender.

and then he goes and tells me he felt a fair and equitable split was 75% for him and 25% for me. he wanted me to agree to this split and if i didn't agree to it, then i was a gold digger.

who asked for this d again? and you want to walk away with 75%? who is the real gold digger here? is it my fault that the law is there to protect me? apparently to him, yeah .. this is ALL my fault.

it's my fault that his parents exaggerated their feelings about me.
it's my fault that i'm forcing him to d-file me.
it's my fault that the law says i'm entitled to a share that is not ideal to him.
it's my fault that he's on this emotional rollercoaster.
i'm just the world's most evil b*tch, am i?
why would anyone want to be with me ever again? i'm just dirt.

four months of this. i have never had my self-esteem just beaten down like that before. and all during the four months, i had to keep a brave face on.

It sounds like your H was attracted to you because you are the opposite of his Mom - independent, low maintenance, interesting etc. Have you tried getting him to help you with something? I get the impression that he was taken care of too much.

he always said he didn't want to marry someone like his mother.
then why is he taking his mom's side? why does it suddenly appear like he's leaving me because i'm not like his mom?

i don't understand why he called me needy and clingy when i don't call him for every small thing?
i don't need him to do things for me. yeah, it's nice to have him cook dinner with me but i don't need him there. i can do it myself.

yes, he was taken care of way too much. he never even had to take out the garbage. a task that somehow i owned (as he put it) yet, this was never communicated to me. he's so taken care of to the point where he never has to think about doing anything.

What are your goals?

i want to own my own place again. we sold our dream home because neither of us could afford to stay in it. my goal before marrying h was to own my own home. i feel i've been set back a bit due to my m breaking down but i don't want to let that stop me. i can do it and i will.

i want to be financially independent going forward. i never relied on h for money and i don't intend to live it up because of the settlement $$. i want to be smart about my finances. i would love to be one of those successful women under 40.

i want to take my mother on vacation with me. she has suffered greatly because she knows her boundaries. like all moms, she wants to take the pain away and feels helpless that she can't. my mom doesn't cry and i think she has cried more than she ever has because of me.

i know it's depressing to talk about wills but because i have no children, i want my assets to be passed down to my nieces and nephews. i love children and may never have any of my own. but i want to take care of them as if they were my own. they may all be under the age of 9 right now, but they understand what i'm going through and have made me smile when i didn't feel like smiling.

What are you grateful for?

i am grateful for the support i have received from family, friends, co-workers, and people on this board.
i am very lucky. i was ready to face this alone but my supporters insisted that they be there with me every step of the way. wow.

How are you taking care of yourself?

i am going back to regular IC sessions.
i'm taking yoga, decorating my own apartment the way i want to (this is a big deal for me because when we owned the house, everything was decorated to please h's parents).
i've made a list of things i want to do - tennis, new activities.
i started buying clothes that i think are cute.
i don't eat out because i know it's not good for me.
i eat fresh and healthy foods but the weight is still dropping. i am concerned about this.
i am also writing in my journal again on the advice of my IC.

Who have you helped today?

nobody yet.

i am very grateful for your advice coach.
i am a true novice with relationships because my h was my first love. no previous relationship experience. it's been very hard on me. he was my best friend. we watched sports together and i impressed him often with my jeopardy/trivia skills. and somehow he suddenly finds me revolting. at least, this is what i think.

he hasn't tried contacting me. nor have i tried contacting him.
i let him take the lead on dividing the furniture at home.
he skewed the rules so things were in his favor. i didn't care.
i got what i needed in order to settle in my own apartment.
and i'm not one to fight over stuff.
it's just stuff. stuff doesn't make me happy. it's just clutter.
what makes me happy? having someone to share special moments with - vacation, career achievements, silly mistakes that we can laugh at, birthdays, anniversaries, lovemaking, knowing that someone has my back, getting through the tough times together.

that's what the Good Girl is all about. she's not about money.
she's independent, smart (with the occasional blonde moment), witty, interesting, well rounded, clean cut, and someone you want on your side.

the Good Girl.