help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[imLIN]

Nope...never knew what he was thinking or feeling and as much as I had dreamed that he longed to be home with me...that wasn't what he was thinking about at all...he was busy self medicating and trying NOT to feel anything...

The only gut thing I knew as that as much as I wanted to get over him and not love him and be able to move on with my life...I wasn't over him, I did love him, and I was not ready to move on with my life...other then to GAL...but not in the sense to move on with someone else

The thing you really have to keep foremost in your mind while going through all of this is that your H is hurting, deeply hurting...whether because of his own decisions or choices or things that he wasn't able to get from you that he needed (or thought he needed)...the past becomes distorted to them so you need to focus on the future...create change in yourself...your routines...your outlook...and then share with him when you can (not in a "look at me and how great I am" but just general talk about your life)...keeping the pressure off but showing him you won't reject his efforts...

My H put very little effort into reuniting because he felt such extreme guilt...to put effort would have required focusing on all that he had done and I personally think it would have been too much for him in his deeply depressed state (found out much later that he was borderline suicidal)so I just accepted him as he was...and made efforts where he would let me...

I really see hope in your case but I truly believe the effort will need to be on your part...put aside your fear of rejection because I think you are the stronger one at this point...he doesn't have it in him to even look to the future...he is on survival mode...

Lin

[JacT]

Thanks Lin.I will tak time to reflect on your wise words.I still feel I have a linked soul with my H but maybe thats just wishful thinking..take care(((hugs)))

[imLIN]

JacT...if you truly feel you have a linked soul then you would remiss not to act upon that...to keep seeking what you want...until you either get it back...or KNOW WITHOUT DOUBT OR REGRET that you did all you could and that you both are now done...and I will tell you from personal experience that it is not something you will know in a few months or even a few years...when you have such a long term relationship with someone it is said that you need 1 year to every 7 that you are together to really work out and heal from the demise(if it does come to that)

But I still say, based upon what you have written here...I think you are in good standing to reconcile someday...MLC can take 7 yrs if it is a bad one...

[JacT]

imLin I will tell you a quick story.Before I was born my grandfather was friendly with my H's dad.The day my MIL found out she was expecting, she visited my gran and grandfather in their house.My MIL had not told anyone about her pregnancy.When she walked into my grans..my gran said immediately you are pregnant.My MIL was astounded..she was only weeks and she was expecting my H
As the years went by, we went to same school and the proximity to where we each lived got closer until we lived next door to each other! Thats when we met at 15/16.We were inseperable from then on in.
When I divorced my H the first time(a regret I will always live with) he always maintained that we were destined to be together.
I said this to him in an early converstaion after he left.He said thats how he felt at the time.
My spiritual healer told me my gran came through at my 1st healing and she said I have to let him go, he has to make his own mistakes,if he was stupid enough to go with someone who was no better tha a piece of s*** on your shoe then that was up to him.I had to GAL for myself and the girls.She said she wasnt saying I wouldnt be with him but let him go.
I am sure he thinks we are better off without him, that he caused me so much pain.
When I asked him the night I found out about A, I asked if he loved her.He said he didnt know.I asked if was in love he said immediately no.
By the weekend he said I have not spent as much time with her as you think..I asked if its what he wanted, did he love her, was he in love with her and did she make him happy.He said yes but couldnt look me in the eye..guilt, lies,embarressment... dont know.
The day he left I said hope she's worth it, he said there is nothing worth this...
Thanks again for your strong and wise words.(((hugs)))

[imLIN]

JacT,

Something I heard from a very spiritual man and have taken it to heart and try and live by it...

A smart person learns from their mistakes
A wise person learns from the mistakes of others

Something more to consider...

(a regret I will always live with)

This jumped out at me, not because it was in () but because I get the sense that in your own stubborness (not being judgemental because heaven knows I can be also...this is just an observation of what I am reading from you)sometimes you will stand your ground even though your gut is telling you otherwise...

You have stated several times that you felt H was your soulmate...that you asked him to leave and now feel that was a mistake...that he also felt the two of you were destined to be together...so I have to ask...WHY?

Why are you leaving the door closed on him, why haven't you extended your hand to him, why are you leaving him with a woman that he had already ended things with before you found out and that he isn't even sure he loves???

I don't know your spiritual adviser...I can agree that a person needs time...sometimes they need to be left alone...but when someone is suffering in a crisis and depressed cutting them off and letting them go is not the course I would take (I am a very spiritual person, btw)...if someone is in quicksand because they were pushed into it would you not help them out? Your husband didn't want to leave the home...he had ended it with the OW...yet, you pushed him out the door and in his state of mind he went to the only other thing he knew to help him...OW

Now I am not saying it is your fault he is with her...he made that choice...he had the A with her...but I believe he needs rescuing...not that you have to bring him home...he may very well need time to heal...but be his friend, talk to him, let him know that you are not going to divorce him again, let him know that you have the ability to forgive him and the desire to rebuild a better relationship with him...

If not...well then I think you have written a self fulfilling prophecy for yourself...(a regret I will always live with)

Also take a moment and read your signature line...it speaks volumes...maybe it is time to break the silence!
Lin

[imLIN]

Just curious...why did you divorce the first time? and how long ago was that...if you don't mind my asking?

And another thought, could H have in the back of his mind (I know you really can't read a MLC'ers mind)that even if you divorce that all is not over because of past history?

[JacT]

Lin you are a very very intuitive woman! and very emotionally intelligent.I am very stubborn.(long winded but here goes)

I divorced him because of the cdg and the lack of support as a new mother.He was devestated.That day remains very vivid in my mind.He never ever gave up.He saw our D every day(she was 2).
So we had the chance to rebuild our R.I had an EA at this point.
I left him in Nov 91 and d him in May 92.We remarried in Dec94 but lived apart for prob a year and then moved in together.He couldnt believe when i suggested we renew our vows.

When I found out about A I asked him if he would give up R.He stumbled a bit but said no she gave him confidence in himself.(he made no mention of dumping her but was clearly working out what to do)I said i cannot believe you are not fighting for our M he said you would never trust me again Jac.

In between this he said he didnt want to go,I made him take off his wedding ring etc.He didnt tell me he was going to her he said was going to dads.He went straight to her.She proceeded to tell the world we are so happy would live in cardboard box.

I stretched my hand out to him at 8/12/13 weeks.I was trying to sort out his R with the girls who didnt want to know him.
8 weeks-hugged me when he came and said good to see you.
Did you plan to leave us..no absolutely not.
You said you loved me-I do and will love you always, we had a great 28 years..
why the h*ll did you have A. cos it felt right.

OW has said D not seeing me so I will come home,suggested she get my own place but we would still see each other(how does she know how our D thinks and convinced she was making it clear she could throw him out any time).He had not changed his address at this time.Remained there.(I think she was getting annoyed at his apparent depression i dont doubt she knew he loved us)
Asked him about Divorce said he didnt want one.I told him I wouldnt divorce him again.

I thought at this point he wanted to ask me to come home but thought he wouldnt last much longer.

12 wks-came from work.told us he had changed his address.talked about life with her our, youngest D really upset.
13 weeks saw youngest for half an hour.She was unwell.I told him he could see her any time and call her.He called following night and said he would sit with her at week end.Never called until Mon arranged to see her Tue.My d txt and said she didnt want to see him again.

NO CTC SINCE APART FROM TXT EVERY AM AND PM.The girls do not respond.
My only txt was asking for D.

I am certain he knows divorce doesnt need to be final.I think ow was a gold digger and he is perhaps just realising this.To keep peace he is using house etc as a bargaining tool.

He has lost a lot of weight and told his dad he cant face his girls.He has told a mutal friend life has never been so good.(I dont believe cos he hasnt got his kids.)
Youngest d txt him and asked if he was happy..he said his life would be so much better if the girls were in it.

Never once has he asked me how I am in all these meetings..never has he txtd and enquired abt the girls..what am I to think..thats perhaps he is happy with her.

A mutal friend says he talks about her like she is a different woman to the one he described previously(needy, tramp, physcho bitch, sad etc)..now she is greatest thing since sliced bread.
Has never discussed his sitch or her with his dad of anyone else.
At work he has not told anyone that he is sepearated and living wwith OW..??(He also told friend a completly diff story to the one I told about the night he left)
Prob, you rightly point out is when in the fog hard to know whats truth and whats lies.

[imLIN]

Never once has he asked me how I am in all these meetings..never has he txtd and enquired abt the girls..what am I to think..thats perhaps he is happy with her.

My H didn't ask me how I was, didn't inquire about the kids...sometimes we didn't hear from him for months! There were many times he would not even reply to son's messages in email or voice mail...and our son was only 9 when he left!...

And I have to say that prior to all of this, he was the father that no matter how tired he was always read a bedtime story every single night, had favorite shows he watched with each kid, never went without a hug and kiss from them all on a daily basis...he was a very involved and wonderful father (he once again too) but when his MLC hit...he became someone that none of knew...there was not a speck of the old H to be found...I really thought there was no way possible for someone to return from where he was...it would be like crossing the Sahara with no water!...but miracles do happen!

[JacT]

Thats just down right cruel but so is my H just now.My H walked past our youngest daughter in the street, looked at her.(he was with OW holding hands with her and her daughter) and didnt say anything.He tried to say he didnt see her but asked if she had her jacket hood up.How did you know that dad? she said.

I know he was terrified of confrontation cos D14 would definitely have given ow a piece of her mind but how bad is that..disgusting..shows how weak he is and how he is feeling.

Did your H remember all of of this or was his memory patchy?Its my H behaviour with his children that for me confirms he is in MLC.Before his behaviour was same as your H.
I feel the same poss on my H returning although my sis is adamant he will be back.I am 99.9% sue he wont..working with my counsellor in deciding whether I want to help him..
thanks your experience is precious for many us who feel we are at the end of the road.

[JacT]

Thats just down right cruel but so is my H just now.My H walked past our youngest daughter in the street, looked at her.(he was with OW holding hands with her and her daughter) and didnt say anything.He tried to say he didnt see her but asked if she had her jacket hood up.How did you know that dad? she said.

I know he was terrified of confrontation cos D14 would definitely have given ow a piece of her mind but how bad is that..disgusting..shows how weak he is and how he is feeling.

Did your H remember all of of this or was his memory patchy?Its my H behaviour with his children that for me confirms he is in MLC.Before his behaviour was same as your H.
I feel the same poss on my H returning although my sis is adamant he will be back.I am 99.9% sue he wont..working with my counsellor in deciding whether I want to help him..
thanks your experience is precious for many us who feel we are at the end of the road.