More and more, I am seeing that H is on his own journey. Actually, I think I always saw him that way, and was overjoyed when it seemed like our paths could be parallel as we joined in marriage.
As a person who has often struggled in life, I think I was afraid of my own neediness. I think I saw in H a man who would require me to be strong and emotionally self-sufficient, and I welcomed the challenge. In retrospect, H was the most attracted to me when I had almost no expectations of him. I saw that as being healthy -- not having expectations. I learned that as a child: expect nothing from people and you won`t be disappointed.
Exceptions to my self-sufficiency were met with harshness and grudges were held. A difficult depression that I went through when we lived together. A dip in my earning when we faced an unexpected and overwhelming bill for our new home.
Of course having children messed up the equilibrium that we had established in our 11 years together. No way could I maintain the level of financial and emotional independence that I always had. I thought that children changed the rules. I was wrong. I tried to find support and resources outside of our marriage, but we had little practical support for our parenting and financial challenges, like most nuclear families.
Now it`s time to take responsibility for my own choices. I chose a man who -- at the best of times -- was unable and or unwilling to meet the needs that most of my peers expect to have met in marriage.
I can let go of a man who does not want to be married to me, even though my love and attraction to him is as strong as ever.
And of course I struggle daily with heartbreak for my children. If I could make that deal with the devil to provide them with a happy life as an intact family, I would, without question. A mother`s happiness is intimately tied to that of her children.
And that`s where control comes in. How many times a day do I remind myself that I have no control over H`s choices, I have no control over my past choices, I cannot protect my children from the sadness and confusion that they struggle with. I have thoughts of wanting to desperately appeal to H as a father, to beg him to collaborate with me to create a semblance of family life. And I redirect, redirect, redirect. All I can do is grieve. As my children lose their innocence and experience how cruel life can be, that their father can just walk away (something completely outside of their experience as they only know intact families), so do I lose my innocence as a mother as I learn on a gut level that I cannot protect my children from the harshness of life. I guess every mother reaches that point...it`s part of that journey.
Sometimes I worry that I`m being too passive here. I am fatalistic about D now. Even though I still wish for reconciliation, I don`t believe it`s possible. Perhaps it`s a of protecting myself from disappointment...once again expecting nothing. And even if by some wild chance H wanted to come back to me, I`d be stuck with a M where I have no reasonable expectation of getting my needs met.
Perhaps a good 180 for me now would be to make space to feel my needs and commit to expressing them in healthy ways. To let people who are repelled by that fall away from my life. To make room for people who relish the give and take that makes a relationship rich. This is an area of potential growth for me. Maybe I even need to honour myself by expressing my needs to H directly, knowing that that will cement the end of my marriage to a man who cannot confront even his own needs. If I did that it would be for me. But maybe I can get the same result by writing a letter and not sending it...and not involve a man who has set a boundary that I am no longer in a R with him other than distant coparents.
PS: on the procrastination issue...mother and Smart Sister picked this affirmation for me ``I take care of business with confidence and pride``.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
