Had one-on-one consultation over weekend and am feeling better that I'm on the right track. It was good to have an experienced eye on this.
Laurie told me that the biggest reason that this saga has drawn on and on was because I told him when I discovered it that I wouldn't tolerate the OW in our marriage...and then I did by not standing firm on NC. By not kicking him out or leaving with the kids THEN when he didn't get rid of her, he had to endure a few uncomfortable weeks before he realizied that if he just got sneakier, he could resume the EA. Total manipulation to cake-walk, total addictive behavior. When I rediscovered it, objected and lashed out by reporting it to the Univ, I made it easy for them to unite against a common enemy - ME, the crazy psycho villian - to justify their behavior. That THEIR behavior is what caused me to be pyscho hasn't even crossed their minds.
I heard Michele say in an audio that the emotional scars that are suffered by the BS are similar to those for PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Google it, it makes total sense. The longer this has gone on, the more my ability to cope with it has decreased.
So...
The coach said to keep doing what I've been doing with the 180 - remain distant but friendly, and give it time. I'm establishing the boundaries now that I should have when I discovered it (hindsight always 20/20). He's testing his limits right now with all the time away from home, and after all the drama, he's suspicious of my new, non-hovering, non-demanding behavior. He's trying to figure out if this is a new game or if it's for real.
Meanwhile, there ARE positive changes, just not the big dramatic ones that I'd like to see. Laurie said I need to make him feel the ramifications of losing his wife and family. No laundry, no coffee, no more holding dinner for him are all making their mark, and he actually kind of freaked out when he realized that like him, I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (I've also been hit on by more guys in the last two weeks than in the last 2 decades - a real boost for the ego, that! :-)). She told me I have to be realistic about time frames. Marriage problems are like gaining extra weight - it didn't happened overnight and won't be fixed overnight. The more he sees the positive changes at home - the problems that made him suseptible to OW in the first place - the less appealing uprooting his life for her will become.
I'm just SO ready to "flip a switch" and have this nightmare behind me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. He has to have time to sort things out. If we make it through this saga, he's going to owe me BIG! I'm talking MAJOR purchase big. :-)
Meantime, I'm more realistic than I have been since this started. I've booked a consult with a lawyer to determine my rights and form Plan B in case Plan A - reconciliation - doesn't work out.
As the saying goes, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst."
