I say do it. Go to the Associated Press or use CNN i-reporter. I mean these people graduate and go on to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. Do people really want someone who did not earn their degree but screwed someone else to get it?
Trust me, I've seriously thought about it! I even mentioned it to my husband during one of my rants, and he blew the wind out of my sails with his reply: "Yes, and I'll be selling real estate in six months."
Destroy his career? That doesn't get me closer to my goal of reconciling.
However, if we do end up divorcing, I will certainly re-consider. All I'd have to do is give a reporter the link to that thread, and they'd have enough ammo to sell papers for a month!
SR, no more exposure from you is going to help at this point and could only damage your court case. The last thing you want is some sort of stalking charge/harrasment charge. That only hurts you. The only thing that could get the University of their a$$ is students who threaten legal action if they can show that your H is favoring her. You can't do that other students would have to.
Go see the L. You have more rights than you think. Your H probably isn't aware either. It seems he is setting you up. Find out how to protect yourself and your kids.
Finally, you can't make him do anything. You can only control yourself. Work on GAL, detaching, etc. You have to finally really let everything be about you and not worry about his reactions. He'll either come around or he won't but either way you'll be ok. I always recommend Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. It compliments DB and really helps change communication patterns.
Thanks, bluestar. After all the drama, I have to agree with you - I can't force them apart, he has to end it. Until he's willing to do that, I need to get my legal and financial ducks in a row and move on.
Funny, but the 180 has been pretty liberating for me was well. Once I stopped obsessing over THEM and I started pumping energy into ME and MY interests, it's like a weight has lifted. I still have setbacks of course, but now I've grown less concerned about saving my marriage and more concerned about making myself happy. I can't remember the last time I thought that without guilt! :-)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Wow. I thought you had just started this journey and here you have already been thru the wringer.
Seeing an attorney will make you feel better. After 20 years as a SAHM, I felt trapped. Until I found that as a 20 year+ Sahm I am eligible for a third of H's GROSS income forever, and half of our property and probably the whole house plus child support. Each State is different so you need to know what your options are in yours. Oh, and if I were to leave the house, I would probably lose it. AZ does not look kindly on infidels, but I needed PI level proof. Many attorneys will give you an initial hour free consult. A big name helps too. Are you in or near a large city? Oh, and if you speak to many of them, your H may not be able to use them!
I am not sure I understand why you were arrested but it is all public record so an anonymous tip about your court records to the paper? maybe later. Talk to an attny first.
I know what you mean about seeing glimpses of the "old H", which is probably why you are still there. Separating and having no contact (and now some) is saving me from the daily abuse, preserving my feelings for my H, giving me time and space to evaluate my past and marriage as well as my future possibilities.
Up til now, almost everything you have said and done has served to feed the exciting drama of the affair. (If you don't know what I mean I can explain it further.) Both affair partners will only see and hear that which justifies/rationalizes their affair. You cannot reason with them, educate them, etc. You can only set boundaries and protect yourself and your kids. (ie: I will not tolerate you carrying on with OW, while you are married to me and living in my home with my children.")
You seem to be a smart, compassionate, woman/mother. Let's rediscover your power! It is there, reclaim it!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Had one-on-one consultation over weekend and am feeling better that I'm on the right track. It was good to have an experienced eye on this.
Laurie told me that the biggest reason that this saga has drawn on and on was because I told him when I discovered it that I wouldn't tolerate the OW in our marriage...and then I did by not standing firm on NC. By not kicking him out or leaving with the kids THEN when he didn't get rid of her, he had to endure a few uncomfortable weeks before he realizied that if he just got sneakier, he could resume the EA. Total manipulation to cake-walk, total addictive behavior. When I rediscovered it, objected and lashed out by reporting it to the Univ, I made it easy for them to unite against a common enemy - ME, the crazy psycho villian - to justify their behavior. That THEIR behavior is what caused me to be pyscho hasn't even crossed their minds.
I heard Michele say in an audio that the emotional scars that are suffered by the BS are similar to those for PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Google it, it makes total sense. The longer this has gone on, the more my ability to cope with it has decreased.
So...
The coach said to keep doing what I've been doing with the 180 - remain distant but friendly, and give it time. I'm establishing the boundaries now that I should have when I discovered it (hindsight always 20/20). He's testing his limits right now with all the time away from home, and after all the drama, he's suspicious of my new, non-hovering, non-demanding behavior. He's trying to figure out if this is a new game or if it's for real.
Meanwhile, there ARE positive changes, just not the big dramatic ones that I'd like to see. Laurie said I need to make him feel the ramifications of losing his wife and family. No laundry, no coffee, no more holding dinner for him are all making their mark, and he actually kind of freaked out when he realized that like him, I've stopped wearing my wedding ring (I've also been hit on by more guys in the last two weeks than in the last 2 decades - a real boost for the ego, that! :-)). She told me I have to be realistic about time frames. Marriage problems are like gaining extra weight - it didn't happened overnight and won't be fixed overnight. The more he sees the positive changes at home - the problems that made him suseptible to OW in the first place - the less appealing uprooting his life for her will become.
I'm just SO ready to "flip a switch" and have this nightmare behind me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. He has to have time to sort things out. If we make it through this saga, he's going to owe me BIG! I'm talking MAJOR purchase big. :-)
Meantime, I'm more realistic than I have been since this started. I've booked a consult with a lawyer to determine my rights and form Plan B in case Plan A - reconciliation - doesn't work out.
As the saying goes, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst."
Up til now, almost everything you have said and done has served to feed the exciting drama of the affair. (If you don't know what I mean I can explain it further.)
Yes, please do explain. As I told the coach, his response to my exposures was like swatting a fly with a cannon ball - totally extreme, given THEIR betrayal and total disregard of boundaries.
Also in your tag line, you say that your WS moved in with OW 12/09 and you went dark but started "peeking out" 3/10. Does that mean he regrets moving in with OW and that you're trying to reconcile? Just curious...
Have been sweet and charming and non-critical db'ing, but have discovered WH is firmly resolved to make me the villian.
It was nearly 10 pm last night when my oldest daughter reported that some man was banging on our front door. WH was still at work, so I peeked out and saw it was one of his male grad students, one whom I like very much. WH showed up as we were talking to report he'd asked male grad student over to help him move some heavy trash to curb for pickup.
They were in the basement for a long time and I was curious to see what all they were getting rid of, so I was just about to descend the basement stairs when I heard WH making fun of me. I didn't catch all of it because his voice was so low, but I did hear "my wife" and "it's why I'm down here" (sleeping in basement) before the grad student laughed. WH made several other comments I didn't hear with the grad student laughing each time. The last thing I heard was, "Confirm I'm down here, 'kay?"
Confirm to OW that he has moved to basement.
THAT was the real reason he'd asked him over - moving stuff from the basement was just a pretense.
I'm sick about this.
He cheats on me, I expose him...and I'M the bad guy?!
Can someone PLEASE explain what in the hell this man is thinking?!
Red, it is really hard, but when I read about your H and the grad student, I didn't bat an eyelash. No surprise-not a setback! Just don't "blow your cover" and stay consistentwith your 180s...keep that poker face!
Your H is using his popularity/status/power to get the grad student to do him a favor for OW, right? That is what it looks like! yuck.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Your H is using his popularity/status/power to get the grad student to do him a favor for OW, right? That is what it looks like! yuck.
That's EXACTLY what he's doing, and it hurts that much more because I'm quite fond of this male grad student. We've socialized with him many times, and now WH is pitting him against me.
He strays, I object, and I'M the outcast? What amoral planet have I landed on?! Please somebody, wake me up!
