Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Piano]

Hi BD, been engrossed in your updates... it's kind of incredible what's happening in your sitch.
When you say you feel 'more you' and calmer when you are with him, I can sense it. You feeling more composed, that it?

Tell me, how did you arrive at the place of no anger? Was it by popping on new lenses in order to view your sitch? (or reading up on MLC? Do you think he is MLC?). Please tell!

I am still furious with my H sometimes, but I think that's the OW factor... :-( I've always maintained if he dropped her, we'd still be up sh!t creek without a paddle but we'd still have a better chance of riding this out.

Sorry, I digressed.

DBing, they say, is about doing what works. You need to sit back and watch this over a good couple of weeks. Keep those expectations low as you say, just to be on the safe side.

Cudos to you anyway!

[JacT]

Babydoll/Piano.
These men are just to embark of one of the most challenging but wonderful experiences of their lives.Soem men find it an easy transition and othere it scares the living daylights out of them.My H was the first but no matter what is is a huge change to and in your life.
I think there is a good chance both of these men may com round.
The sense of giving birth to a child you have both made is indescribable..Good Luck great ladies..no matter what, you will make wonderful mothers and feel less alone.I can promise that.
(((HUGS)))

[newmama]

Babydoll thanks for explaining- what you say makes a lot of sense. After all, like Piano said, you do what works. AND if your H matches MLC stuff, then of course it is wise to follow those approaches!

[Babydoll]

Piano,
I am not sure I am at a place of NO anger, just very very very little. or I am trying to have the good in my life outway the bad. If I ever bring something up to H about why or how he simply says I told you what i felt, and what good is having this conversation over and over. I realized i am beating a dead horse! that marriage is over!!! If we do reconcile, we would have to start all over... i kind of like that. No looking back, no resentment, and never ever having to remember or bring up the past few months. I would do anything and everything to be strong enough to do that. Even so, if not for H, but for myself and this baby! My baby deserves to come into a world of peace and happiness... not one where i am crying and want to kill H, and one where H thinks I am a terrible person.

i started to read a lot on reconciling and what the steps were. I also researched MLC, and yes, i completely think H is broken down bc of the pressure of school, and finances, and then a baby on top of it, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that his program is almost over, he looks a bit relieved. Wont be officially over until late july, and i'm curious to see what happens. Who knows?

i stopped putting pressure on him. I told myself to be composed and no tears, no R talk, (although it sometimes pops out anyways) and started to 'fake it'. Not fake it in the sense that i was being a complete fake, but if i had 1% of happiness or stregnth that day, I made sure it was what I showed him. Make sense?

As far as anger, I still am very upset as to why he left, and how he did it. I am trying to believe and understand that NONE of this was truly about me, but rather himself. Dont get me wrong, i am not perfect, never was. However, H never had a real reason as to why he left me, and although i have put myself down and still blame myself for a lot, I know this was something he needed to do. I told H, the reasons you said you left were NOT reasons for a divorce! maybe reasons for an argument, or perhaps for you to feel distanced. i think I basically agreed with him that his feelings are in fact real. he truly feels like he is not in love with me. But he says he does love me, and cares for me, and well, if he fell in love with me once, who says he cant fall in love with me again? I also know that he should see that I will not beat him up or attack with words, and insults should he ever want to come back.

i started to be the change. Some of my simple actions:
-Answer the phone politely
-ask about his day before talking about anything else
-smile, even if over the phone... you can always sense it!
-stop trying to making him feel bad for me
-tell him i needed help with the baby
-stopped threatening him that I would never let him see baby
-started to be more positive about my own life
-hinted around a bit about friends i've met up with and other things i am doing to GAL (leaving lots of mystery here)

I realized that when H and I would argue, he retracted, almost like an abused child. My biggest weapon is using hurtful words. I hate that about myself. Im working on it. I realized H is like a sponge, and absorbs everything i say and holds on to it. No good at all.

So I am using my words carefully. While being extremely cautious I am trying to let him figure out his own pace.

I am not sure how things would work out when he does find OW. Im afraid I may break down entirely. But I guess I cant worry about that now, and instead be the person he loved.

Doesnt really sound like low expectations, does it?

[Babydoll]

Thanks Jact! I do hope you are right.

[Babydoll]

by all means... i think this is just a baby step. I dont think this means H and I will be renewing vows anytime soon. I just think H misses me. Hopefully not just as a friend. Or maybe its because of the baby. Either way, I figure this is my only shot to show him what he left. So i have to go down this road.

Wish me luck...

[JacT]

Deal with what you can and dont worry about what may happen you will send yourself mad..seriously.This still maybe a case of him getting a little scared of his next journey in life with another little person on his shoulder!
GALg will help draw him back to you and avoiding the behaviours you know push him away, avoid like the plague.Its encouraging so work with the positives you have.
Good Luck((())))

[Piano]

thanks BD for outlining all that.. So you are aiming at being the best person you can be? for you, or for him? Or a bit of both?
I know what you mean about H crawling into cave like an abused child - mine was like that too.

[Babydoll]

I am aiming to be the best person I can be mostly for me... then baby... and hopefull H will notice it on his own. But I cant change or want to be better for H bc he may never come around and then I would just go back to being sad and depressed. I am really trying to be positive and look forward to the baby coming. Maybe it is easier bc i know that H will be here. I do have to say, having his support is really comforting and helpful. Babies are a huge responsibility and i have the most amazing family that would move in with me and do anything to help, but i want it to come from H. I never really told him that now that I am thinking about it. But when he started to show interest and now says he is taking part no matter what, i realize that darn it... it is his responsibility too!

I didnt like the person I was becoming when I would scream and cry or ignore him or make decisions to disinclude him out of spite. I felt like i was changing who i was and didnt like me anymore. I especially hated knowing that I hurt him back by using hurtful words, didnt like that he would retract. i am not about to become a monster bc of what is happening.


We start birthing classes tomorrow...

[newmama]

BD you know something...being genuine versus manipulative seems like the right thing to do and the easy thing, too. What I mean is (and I am summarizing your actions here) if you want to include him, and you want him to go to the classes, then I guess by inviting him, then you are showing that. If you didn't want him to go but invited him because you were trying to get him to bond with you through the baby, that would be wrong. Or if you wanted him to go but didn't invite him because you hoped it would send a message, it would be wrong because it could hurt more than help....so I think you are going about this the right way!

After all, if in the future you get fed up with something, you can genuinely request changes and space at that time! right???

yeah- sharing the responsibility can be annoying too because it means we have to compromise with another person's view of how to raise our child! However, I bet like you all, one of the reasons I married my WH is that we both agree on 99% of child rearing issues (that we could think of- I am not naive!) So far I think we have been able to do this co parenting smoothly because we are thinking of S and we agree with each other on decisions.