Piano, I am not sure I am at a place of NO anger, just very very very little. or I am trying to have the good in my life outway the bad. If I ever bring something up to H about why or how he simply says I told you what i felt, and what good is having this conversation over and over. I realized i am beating a dead horse! that marriage is over!!! If we do reconcile, we would have to start all over... i kind of like that. No looking back, no resentment, and never ever having to remember or bring up the past few months. I would do anything and everything to be strong enough to do that. Even so, if not for H, but for myself and this baby! My baby deserves to come into a world of peace and happiness... not one where i am crying and want to kill H, and one where H thinks I am a terrible person.
i started to read a lot on reconciling and what the steps were. I also researched MLC, and yes, i completely think H is broken down bc of the pressure of school, and finances, and then a baby on top of it, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that his program is almost over, he looks a bit relieved. Wont be officially over until late july, and i'm curious to see what happens. Who knows?
i stopped putting pressure on him. I told myself to be composed and no tears, no R talk, (although it sometimes pops out anyways) and started to 'fake it'. Not fake it in the sense that i was being a complete fake, but if i had 1% of happiness or stregnth that day, I made sure it was what I showed him. Make sense?
As far as anger, I still am very upset as to why he left, and how he did it. I am trying to believe and understand that NONE of this was truly about me, but rather himself. Dont get me wrong, i am not perfect, never was. However, H never had a real reason as to why he left me, and although i have put myself down and still blame myself for a lot, I know this was something he needed to do. I told H, the reasons you said you left were NOT reasons for a divorce! maybe reasons for an argument, or perhaps for you to feel distanced. i think I basically agreed with him that his feelings are in fact real. he truly feels like he is not in love with me. But he says he does love me, and cares for me, and well, if he fell in love with me once, who says he cant fall in love with me again? I also know that he should see that I will not beat him up or attack with words, and insults should he ever want to come back.
i started to be the change. Some of my simple actions: -Answer the phone politely -ask about his day before talking about anything else -smile, even if over the phone... you can always sense it! -stop trying to making him feel bad for me -tell him i needed help with the baby -stopped threatening him that I would never let him see baby -started to be more positive about my own life -hinted around a bit about friends i've met up with and other things i am doing to GAL (leaving lots of mystery here)
I realized that when H and I would argue, he retracted, almost like an abused child. My biggest weapon is using hurtful words. I hate that about myself. Im working on it. I realized H is like a sponge, and absorbs everything i say and holds on to it. No good at all.
So I am using my words carefully. While being extremely cautious I am trying to let him figure out his own pace.
I am not sure how things would work out when he does find OW. Im afraid I may break down entirely. But I guess I cant worry about that now, and instead be the person he loved.
Doesnt really sound like low expectations, does it?
