"I wish things weren't this way...but they are. I wish the past wasn't what it was...but it is."
Antlers,
I can't remember if I've ever posted to you before, but I will say some things now.
First, I just learned, from reading your thread, that you and I are on the legal side of a divorce together, at almost the same time. I'm going to court today for temporary support, and you are having some legal issues today too. That makes us akin to a parallel path.
As for your quote above: I use to wish things weren't what they were too, but I don't anymore. I see my H as a monster now, knowing what I know now has changed the way I feel about him. I see you as blaming yourself for most of this; someone told me to look at the way he treated me. And I did. Now I see that it wasn't all my fault, that he had at least half the blame. Maybe if your wife didn't treat you the way she did, you would have treated her differently.
"I hate this. Mountains of legal paperwork. Intimidating and scary legal proceedings. Financial burdens never known before."
Think of the paperwork as a bothersome detail. I did. Money is a matter too. I have $1.05 in my checking account. I'm going to this court hearing today with little emotional support from family, friends and others. I'm completely alone, except for my attorney. You have children. Always, be thankful for your children. If you didn't have children, you'd have less support from others.
"And utter rejection and hatred from someone whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with."
(I'm just throwing this out there. I don't even know if you believe in God). But, this is what I do, every day. I pray for God to forgive him. I've been doing it for two years. The tears don't come as often. And I'm able to see him for the monster that he is. God doesn't always give us what we want, but he always gives us a vision. Your case is different than mine. Don't you want to see the vision that will set you free? I did.
"Given that, what else could I have done, after the fact? I've had true remorse, I repented, I shouldered what I had done, I apologized profusely, I tried to make amends and atone, I asked for forgiveness...and I changed."
And, I believe you. Now, you have to believe yourself. That's the key. Turn all of what you just said into, "I'm better than than now. And, I deserve better."
