But I don't know how you would manage letting him kiss you, massage you, etc without being in such turmoil! Isn't is so confusing? Yes, it is. I am truly comfortable around H. If anything i have to stop myself from reaching out to hug him or touch him. I also believe that physical contact, even a touch on the forearm, etc. could be a trigger to bringing back H's feelings for me. just like when they say when flirting with someone, small physical contact send a thousand signals. I think if H felt possibly more comfortable with me in his own skin, perhaps he can see that in the end, I am still that person he was sooooo in love with. I never reach out to kiss him hello or goodbye, always make sure its coming from him. I am actually more shy, now anyways...
Do you have boundaries? Or do you want them?
i am not sure that I really do have boundaries. I feel like the boundaries I did set up or NC didnt work for me. When I say, dont do this or I dont want your help, or this is how its going to be, H in the past few months would back off completely because he always thinks I am telling him what to do. And I was waiting for a knight in shining armour to break down my door and say, i am still here and he is my son! But he didnt.
H (in the past week or so) has been more confident and wanting to be an active part in my life. I've stopped telling him how I saw him to be, or analyzing his every action or words and telling him what i think his every move means... as this all caused him to back off completely.
In our relationship, i tend to talk to much, and dont want to overpower our relationship (whatever it is we have), and also, I want H to make his own decisions.
i realized after he left, H always threw things up in my face such as I filed for D, because you sent me the address of where to go and said you wanted it to be over with (yes I did, out of anger! wanted him to fight back and say no) or... you told me a shrink could not make me love you... and so on.
I am letting H come into his own. Letting him figure out what it is he wants... from me...
it is extremely dangerous, possibly cake eating, but in reading about MLC, all of the suggestions they say to do, have worked with H. After having read MLC threads I have learned to treat H and my sitch carefully and I truly feel like its what works best for me.
