Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Hi guys! It's been a while, and I thought I'd update a little. If nothing else, just to get some of this stuff out of my head.

First of all, happy mother's day to all the moms!

My mother's day started off pretty pleasant, actually. ExCautious was a little late dropping S5 off, but no big deal. He had paid for some gifts of chocolates and greeting cards for S5 to deliver to me. I joked that he was angling for a father's day watch. Unfortunately, from there, S5 decided to compete for a spot on Supernanny... or whatever that show is where they come in and tell you your kid is a brat and it's all your fault. I survived, though.

Over the last month, I've cut off nearly all contact with ExCautious other than to ask about S5 stuff (field trip, talent show, and graduation coming up). ExCautious pretty much took it in stride, not showing any outward signs of dissatisfaction.

That may have changed Friday night, but I can't be sure. You see, Thursday, as I was viewing my facebook (where exCautious has ignored my friend request and I never unsubmitted it), it showed that ExCautious had added a girl to his facebook friends. Long story short, I know the girl and pretty much everything there is to know about her. Somehow, Friday, I decided to throw an accusation his way about his involvement with her. I'm not sure where the conversation went that made me feel vengeful, but I did it. I didn't lie about anything, and the matter was quickly dropped. I really don't care if he's involved with her or not, it was more of a defensive move, if I recall correctly.

Anyhow, our conversations, when they are lengthy, are rocky at best at this point. And, once we were inside discussing things about S5, I decided to part ways with ExCautious with one more stab: "We're not friends, ExCautious. It has become painfully obvious that is not what you want. Emphasis on the painful. I've tried being your friend, then I tried being civil, then I tried being completely uninvolved. You always want something different from me, and I'm not going to be a part of your stupid games anymore. I'll live up to the ridiculous contract you drew up and called our divorce, but nothing more and nothing less." And then I left. Didn't talk to him all weekend until Sunday morning to tell him thank you - and, despite the fact that you have all warned me against this - I felt he deserved a hug for putting the effort into making my day special.

I felt so special, in fact, that I had the gall to call him that afternoon and ask him if he would like to grill some steaks at the park. He declined and stated he was fishing with his cousin. I didn't push the issue, though I'm sure I could have made steaks for four and had a generally good time.

To corrupt this story more, I will admit that I had a date Friday night. To thinly veil his identity, I'll say nothing more than he's a public service worker - of a group that has a reputation for being especially attractive (which he lived up to that reputation). It wasn't an unpleasant date, but I still don't know him very well and I'm living up to my screen name. Cautious. I'm not going to go out and say that he's the one, I'm going to marry him, etc. etc., I simply felt it necessary to include this information to provide a full background to my next topic.

I talked about ExCautious a lot during the date. Date was divorced, also, and spoke a lot about ExDate. Pretty even match. However, sometimes, I get this nagging feeling I'm cheating on ExCautious, possibly due to the fact that this is the one area of my life I am not completely truthful with him. In addition, when I start to have any interest in moving on (such as a guy asks me out on a date or I meet a guy I'd like to know better), ExCautious starts to show a great deal of interest in me again, like the mother's day gifts I recieved this morning. Now, I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like going back to trying to get him back. There needs to be a whole lot of talking and changing for ExCautious and I to have even a slim chance of giving it another go. It just starts tugging on that corner of my heart that he still holds. Regrettably, it's a large portion of my heart. I've heard from others that this is normal, and that sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it never does. I'm not sure how I'd feel either way - after all, ExCautious has been a huge part of my life... over half of it. He's part of my past and has largely had a part in shaping me into who I am today. I know I would be different if I had never loved him, and I know I'm not completely over him. I don't think that dating at this point (5 months divorced, over a year living separated) is a criminal act - after all, a lot of people started dating before the divorce was filed. I'm trying to take things slow in the dating process, but I wonder even if I find some kind of magical "love of my life", would it seem in some way second best?

Just what's on my mind these days.