I figured your H did something for the holiday! See, even I have expectations for him. Ha!
I'm trying to think about what I would do if I were you. (Not that you're doing anything wrong, just that it is a challenging situation!) I like your Be the Change idea. I guess if I had to interact with WH so much and he was being so. . . friendly and helpful. . . I would have to have a protective fence up somehow. And I would try to make that fence be a type of mirror to myself so I could GAL and self-improve despite being around him so much!
How do you plan to be the change?
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Gatsby, your post made me laugh... even you now have expectations for him! I am cautious, and at the end of the day just remind myself, that He still THINKS he doesnt love me, may never love me, but I am not arguing or putting him down for leaving me and am moving forward.
My Changes:
-being more positive -always looking my best! -being more confident -GAL (and letting H know a few things like friends I've gone to dinner with or what I am doing all on my own, etc.) -Being kind, no more arguments. -Stop insults or accusations as to why he left.
Here is how I look at it. If my H sees me crying and moping and sad and negative, he will think he made the right decision and reconfirm that he truly isnt in love with me anymore. If I am happy, and positive and glowing, with a little bit of mystery, then H seems to be curious and comes forward. I put my swords and guards down and ever since I did, H has responded differently. I realized that DBing does not mean attack, which is what i was doing, but instead to distance and be the best.
i end up feeling better about myself, and notice that H is more comfortable around me too.
Maybe its cake eating... maybe its the "friendship" that serves as the foundation of reconciling... I will never know unless I try it out.
in the meanwhile, I am not as stressed or angry. yes, i still get sad, when I realize he is not around, but not angry where i start hating him. I realized i was changing who i was because of what he did!
Also, G, I am not sure where i read it, whether my post or somewhere els, But I am 'creating a home' of comfort and happiness... and one that H will feel welcome to come back to should he change his mind...
Funny thing... I opened H's gift and started to choke up... H always knew I was a sap... so i thanked him and told him i loved it and with a smile went to offer my hand as in lets shake and says thanks and he laughed at me and pulled my hand and kissed me on my cheek. got another cheek kiss when he came in and left... i notice he is now more comfortable with body contact, like when i sat down and he was close and our legs wer sort of overlapping, etc. Maybe he is just becoming more comfortable around me again...
gatsby, few other changes... i am listening more and talking less. looking back on my M with H, I think of how I would have changed so many things, like talk less, listen more... be nicer, no more hurtful words, and so I am doing all of that. A) I needed the tweaking B) i want H to SEE the change and dont think i have to say see, I've changed.
I am being the girl he fell in love with. the girl I was happiest being... and putting myself first... for once. H always wanted that for me, and loved me most when I was happy.
Babydoll your H is acting like a Husband! I don't get it. I am really thinking he will come around. But I don't know how you would manage letting him kiss you, massage you, etc without being in such turmoil! Isn't is so confusing?
Do you have boundaries? Or do you want them? I don't see what you could do to mess up your chances for R...other than hound him about the relationship. And you aren't doing that.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
B) i want H to SEE the change and dont think i have to say see, I've changed.
So wise!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Oh and one other thing... this past week in conversation with H, I told him that I forgive him. I forgive him for leaving and hurting me, and that i now understand he did it bc he needed to sort out his feelings and go through whatever journey it is in life that he is going through. I told him I understood that he truly feels like he is not in love with me and I've accepted it.
I did however say the one thing I will never forgive is that he didnt want to go to C and repair his feelings or want to do something now to work on our M.
I mentioned this to my mom and she told me that when she met w him last week, she also told him that my entire family, all bajilion members of my big italian family would forgive him and welcome him home with no judgement if he ever came back. She wanted him to know that so he can never think its a reason to not come back. and she was proud that i said what I did too.
I told H my family was happy he is going to be at the birth and everything else, and that my aunt cried and cousin said i still want to hug him when he comes out of teh room to tell us the baby is born, etc. and H was so happy and said thank you.
if nothing else, H will be comfortable being a daddy in my family.
i think this made H see that I accept what he did and would and could forgive him.
But I don't know how you would manage letting him kiss you, massage you, etc without being in such turmoil! Isn't is so confusing? Yes, it is. I am truly comfortable around H. If anything i have to stop myself from reaching out to hug him or touch him. I also believe that physical contact, even a touch on the forearm, etc. could be a trigger to bringing back H's feelings for me. just like when they say when flirting with someone, small physical contact send a thousand signals. I think if H felt possibly more comfortable with me in his own skin, perhaps he can see that in the end, I am still that person he was sooooo in love with. I never reach out to kiss him hello or goodbye, always make sure its coming from him. I am actually more shy, now anyways...
Do you have boundaries? Or do you want them?
i am not sure that I really do have boundaries. I feel like the boundaries I did set up or NC didnt work for me. When I say, dont do this or I dont want your help, or this is how its going to be, H in the past few months would back off completely because he always thinks I am telling him what to do. And I was waiting for a knight in shining armour to break down my door and say, i am still here and he is my son! But he didnt.
H (in the past week or so) has been more confident and wanting to be an active part in my life. I've stopped telling him how I saw him to be, or analyzing his every action or words and telling him what i think his every move means... as this all caused him to back off completely.
In our relationship, i tend to talk to much, and dont want to overpower our relationship (whatever it is we have), and also, I want H to make his own decisions.
i realized after he left, H always threw things up in my face such as I filed for D, because you sent me the address of where to go and said you wanted it to be over with (yes I did, out of anger! wanted him to fight back and say no) or... you told me a shrink could not make me love you... and so on.
I am letting H come into his own. Letting him figure out what it is he wants... from me...
it is extremely dangerous, possibly cake eating, but in reading about MLC, all of the suggestions they say to do, have worked with H. After having read MLC threads I have learned to treat H and my sitch carefully and I truly feel like its what works best for me.
