My H is in MLC. We've been separated 3 mos. Not much D talk lately, just me doing all contacting, initiating which I have stopped. I used some of Puppy's wording and texted him last week, after some big lying, telling him to "do what he feels he must, I will do the same. I hoped to avoid a D but my patience isn't w/o limits."
H texted today and says he owes me an apology. Says that he doesn't have any revelations but has been doing some reflecting and has a few things to say.
I'm pretty sure this is going to involve him continuing to lie about contact w/ someone else as he apologizes, talks. How do I handle this? No confrontation? Just listen and say ok?
Thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Well, you know if you confront him, he will lie even more. THEN he will get VERY angry, therefore increasing the distance between you and him even MORE, as your argument will feed his justification for what he's doing...and he will perceive it as "control" and run farther away from you.
So, just listen to what he has to say, and remember his reality is altered, much different from your own.
I'd always heard children that didn't feel "safe" told lies...now, also remember that the MLC'er is childlike in actions..and that includes lying because they are afraid they will "get in trouble".
We all want to set them straight, but in MLC that is not possible. He is insane, you are sane...sometimes you feel the opposite; been there done that.
Just listen and sort the garbage..the truth is always in there, somewhere.
I did ALOT of listening to things I KNEW weren't true, but listened anyway, understanding that right or wrong, he had a right to how he felt, just like I did.
I know it's hard to be just a friend to them, but try, anyway.
LA is right, you don't have to agree with what he says, just don't disagree verbally; you'll just start an argument you can't win if you do and make things MUCH worse than they are.
Again, remember this is reality as HE sees it in his current state of mind.
You'll also learn something more about where he is from what he says if you just sit quietly and listen.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Welcome to this board. I would suggest you pick one of the forums that you are posting on and just post there. You may get conflicting advice by posting on multiple forums. Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
In the past I have been very reactive. I now realize that, and started realizing it not long before our separation due to a book I read.
When is an ok time to apologize to my H for the reactivity I've had during our entire relationship? It's important for me to apologize (I'm in IC), but not sure if he can hear it during MLC.
We had underlying issues before his MLC.
Thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Thats good that you are looking at yourself and taking responsibility for your part in the M0
I also had conversations with my xh where I apologized for my part of the failed M
I think he heard me, but in my case it didnt bring him home but it did bring me healing and maybe it helped at the time in our seperation to get along better
so trust yourself..the oportinity may come up to let him know you understand what you did in the M but do it with NO expectations and continue on your journey just knowing it is a piece and not the whole..self healing will take a while and hopefully you H will see the work you are now doing and want to be a part of that peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Can someone tell me if it's ok to issue this type of an aplogy to H while in MLC? I really want to do it soon. I have no expectations, just feel it's "the right thing" to address it.
Thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
There are no set rules in this amg2. If you want to apologize go ahead. Try to do it calmly and evenly without showing too much emotion. As peace today said...trust yourself and look for an opportunity...no expectations.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I don't think anyone but you can say if it's a good idea or not. Each person here has a different sitch and our spouses react differently. I did apologize to my husband. I actually met with him to let him know he was right about some of the things he said about me. I told him that I did a lot of soul searching and what I saw was not pretty. I apologized for some things I said to him over the years and for how I could have been a better person. And I let him know that now that I have had this revelation about myself, I intend to become a better person and I will NEVER go back to being that person again.
It felt good for me to tell him all of that. However, he really didn't believe much of what I had to say. He said it all sounded too good to be true, and then I heard the MLC phrase of "too little, too late". Over the months he has actually used what I had to say against me. Every time I don't react to something the way he wants me to, he says "See? You haven't changed at all....you're still the same old person you always were." The truth is I am not that person anymore and I think he actually does see changes in me. On one occasion when h was acting decent towards me he told me he had seen many changes in me, but he wasn't sure if I was capable of making them permanent. I told him no one knows that until the day they die!
So, even though my h has used my apology to attack me, I don't regret it. I felt it was the adult thing to do and it also showed him he was not the only one in the marriage who had made mistakes. We both have. I actually told him that even though blindsiding me and leaving me the way he did, it was the best thing he could have ever done for me. Yeah, it still hurts, but I would have never made the changes in my life I needed to make if I hadn't been dealt a blow like that. Not all of what my h has said or accused me of is true or has actually happened, but the hard truth is some of it was. And that's very humbling to admit when you realize you are guilty as charged.
The evening that I told my husband this, he kept shooting back at me with different things like do you remember when you did this? what about the way you talked to me when this happened?, etc. And you should have seen the look on his face the many times when I said, "yeah, you're right. I was wrong. I should have never treated you that way and I'm asking you to forgive me." One time he said "well, you think you're always right". I said, "well that was the old me.....now I know I'm not always right. I'm wrong a whole lot of times!"
I wish you well if you decide to apologize to him. But, please be aware he might not react like you want him to. And do your best to not get sucked into any negative talk. Be humble, sincere, and then end it.
