Hi JacT, not your neighbour too.. Lordy. My take on H is that he is in limbo and sad - not with me and family, and not with OW in other country. And he's sure how long limboland will last... He hopes to end as a 'friend' with me. I am afraid of giving him that because I see it as giving up my status of W! My DB coach says friendship's the step before anything else ... I'm not so sure about that? Not an uber sexy idea. OW must be freaked. He tells me he doesn't talk about the pregnancy/baby with her. Could that be so????? When I have suggested OW must be disgusted with herself for the A (she is an old friend to us both - more to H, but me also) he said "she will have to live with her guilt". BARF
OK so I find it interesting how your H is showing excitement about the baby but is ambiguous about being there for the birth or shortly after. Have you ever considered it could do with OW not wanting him to be there- or that he feels like it wouldn't be fair to her? Not that you could do anything about it but it is just strange how he won't commit to meeting his daughter!
Mmm. One thing is for sure, H is committed to at least meeting his child. His wishes are to be called when I am in labour and wait in another room and come in post delivery. Meeting her is the reason, he tells me,he is in the country (the other reason he says he came back was to tell me what had happened and to make his final decision about us, which he did in Feb).
As for post birth, H can't say where he'll be, primarily because he's not found stable employment here (he's been trying), so setting up here independently is really tricky (if he's separated from me and our resources). Plus there is the problem of OW - can he bring her here, will he be able to leave child to be with her overseas...?....Don't thnk he knows the answers yet.
As for the birth, he told me he doesn't talk to OW about it (like I just posted to JacT though, is that even possible?? Must be one hell of an elephant in the room !). I think she won't be putting pressure on him (knowing her), I tink it's more likely my husband being sentimentally loyal to HER now, not me. He told me he had "given his heart to her" and that he doesn't want to be in an intimate setting (birthroom) with me because it's not the relationship we have anymore. He is also afraid of being confronted, I think and is still remedial and detatched about this whole 'having a baby thing'.
Read Old Pilot's post on MLCers coming out of the fog... When my H announces his A over, then we have a starting point.... My H is capable of letting me think the A is still going on when it's falgging because it's his way of making a point - that our M is dead in the water with or without his A. Possible script, possibly true.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I realised I had forgotten to mention that a week ago, when H was over at my parents house and we were having the huge long discussion, that he felt bad about saying it since our child is going to be a real person very soon, but that yes, he regretted having a baby with me.
Piano what a jerk..he regret saying that forever trust me.If your H hasnt told the ow, someone will have.What an evil witch to take a man away from his w and unborn child.Well if he can do that for her, he can to it to her...it will collapse like a huse of cards. Just back from seeing my neighbour turn out he had an A when on business and she got the ILYBNILWY speech.Shes seeing a lawyer tomorrow and divorcing him. His FIL died suddenly last year then his F died very suddenly 5 weeks ago.He was into the losing weight and young clothes last year..could see it coming but hoped I was wrong..god is there something in the water..its all I hear about.. Keep going your goin to be a mama soon!!! (((hugs)))
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
He's out of his mind. He and the OW don't even talk about the baby? That's great for them. Avoiding the situation will make it go away-- NOT!
I'm really really glad he is committed to meeting the baby. I think he will not be able to use the word "regret" about her after seeing her besides saying he regrets not knowing her better!
You do have to wonder what goes through an OW's mind at the time of the birth. . .
Actually I believe that your H and his mistress don't talk about the pregnancy. They say people in affairs compartmentalize- talk about reality and spouses is depressing and not sexy...and it makes the OP jealous...so I doubt they talk about it too much.
Quote:
My DB coach says friendship's the step before anything else ... I'm not so sure about that? Not an uber sexy idea.
Someone else who was helping me with my sitch said the same thing...that being friends will help be the step before reconciling. Hmm.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
'Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs, not feelings..."
Love this!
I tried not to take over the conversation, so just allowed the silences. A 180 for me.
That's one of my 180s too!!! And it works... everytime I am quiet, i find H staring in my face!
Your post is not too long or boring! very interesting in fact!
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and how you handled yourself today!
I read that you softened up and H came around a bit... that is definitely a tool that works too!
Definitely sounds like your H is having a MLC, and hopefully this is him coming out of his haze.
My H says things to me sometimes like, I did think of moving back home or going to MC or that I love you still, But I am afraid of telling you because if i do, you want to run with it and start fixing things and say well lets do something about it.
i am sure all of your H's feel the same way. But they are scared not only to admit it to themselves, but especially to us...
your BIL sounds like a good person to have around...
Thanks everyone. I think it's just something H said (the regret thing). Of course he regrets it - look what it's done to our lives! And I also think it's normal he and OW don't broach the subject of me too much. It's not a romantic subject and it's so disgusting that they carried on while I was pregnant.
Today I feel I could never love him again after what he has done.
Momentarily a bit down as a common friend told me my H is having drinks at a bar this Thursday for his 40th birthday.
I cannot believe we will not be sharing this milestone together. Just months ago (well, nearly 5months now) I was thinkning we could have a party that night and hope the baby doesn't come in the middle of it!
Question: Do I wish him a happy birthday?
He's not a real birthday type of person & he was alwasy very lazy about mine. My b;day was a few months ago. All I got was an sms "Happy Birthday, (wife)".
I don't think I will wish him one.
He may be the father of my child, but he has done the most dispicable thing.
