Hi, Irish, and thanks. I do plan to talk to the PC soon about all of this. I also have to talk to the PC about S5 too, about a referral for emotional counseling for S5 -- as a follow up to his Asperger's screening (AS was ruled out.)
I also know that I need to get the child support payments I make to ex recalculated, based on her new marital status and her current income (she makes at least as much as I do now.) Ex continues to fail to provide the documentation about her income to either of our L's. I still continue to fork out a lot of money to her each month when I know she is not really in need of much of it. Aside from the CS/income redistribution, I still provide a lot of the boys' needs, at least as much as she does, if not more.
Today is Mother's Day. It's a bittersweet date for me now. While I still have my own mother alive and well (unlike other folks) and was able to send her flowers and phone calls, this day now has a sad feeling for me all the same. It was on Mother's Day three years ago that I last had sex. With now ex-W. A month before the bomb.
That was a very strange day for me as well. It should have clued me in. That day itself was the first time in two months we had "ML". She wouldn't let me near her for all that time following her surgery (that prior February) -- as she made so many excuses. Then she went on to blame me entirely for why we hadn't had sex, said it was my own "choice". And I blindly accepted her story, blamed myself.
I had really hoped her allowing us to ML that day was to be the turning point to us getting back on track, to fully restoring our R with each other. But in subsequent days and weeks she shut me down entirely. I became depressed and confused. Lost. I didn't know what to do -- I thought it was all due to me, and I hadn't a clue how to fix things.
I was an utterly ignorant fool.
Since then I have often reflected on that period of time. I now realize that Mother's Day 2007 was her parting shot at me. It was her way of giving me the final kiss-off, before she undertook a PA with OM in full force. I think she had already begun the PA before that, but by May 13th she was fully committed to ending our M. I never dreamed...
So Thursday, May 13, will mark 3 years since I began this involuntary celibacy. I know others have been enduring this much longer than I have, but I'm not sure if that makes me feel any better. At the same time, remaining celibate is the better course for me, at least for now -- and I'd rather be free of the painful consequences for a while longer. xW burned me very severely -- I'm not yet ready to risk that kind of pain again.
I will be someday. Hopefully soon. I do not expect to live a "monastic" life indefinitely.
