WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

This does not mean that "this" forum is the right place for you. You are a newcomer. You will find that that forum get the most "traffic". Some of us wander around some.. but mostly you will find that the "vets" tend to focus on a group where they can maximize their time. Don't take it as we don't care.

i am separated and i have been in the newcomer section but not a lot of answers for me. my sitch isn't very 'catchy' so i figure i'll try another forum.

"is this normal?"

Yes.. and No.

why yes and why no? can you expand? i'm new at this.

Make sure the IC is working with you.. basically following your ideals. I had a mentor.. not really a C. Just someone I could go yell at.. and he gave me his perspective.

ic is helping me manage my anger.
for the first 3-4 sessions, i just vented and yelled.
in the end, the ic could only calm me down by telling me that it wasn't my fault.

i couldn't understand why i hadn't shed a tear.
probably because i knew it wasn't me. what kind of h sides with his mother and not his w?

"i thought we parted cordially but there was one incident where he on purposely avoided me."

I would need to know more about the situation to really give you a solid take on it. For future reference these would be the times it becomes really important for you to "shine".

ran into him at the grocery store.
i had a pair of cute shorts on (h hadn't seen these ones before). i looked up from my cart and saw him make a 180 degree turn and went the other way. i know it was him.

At the end of the day.. it does not matter if he see's it. You keep doing it. One day.. he will run into someone and they will say.. "Have you seen "Good Girl".. Wow."

i am. somehow i doubt he will ever notice me. he's got a narcisstic personality so he's likely feeling sorry for himself or blaming me for his loneliness because i gave him no choice but to d.

"he is also very bitter about the "small price" he is paying.
i fear that this is going to make him hate me and he will never get passed this."

He suggested it. Does that not make him just like you? You both had "no idea" what you were doing. Now you are both "screwed".

how does that make him just like me?
i had a vague idea but i admit, i didn't study up on the d-laws.
how are we both screwed?
he's the one who asked for the d and didn't read the rules.
i tried to warn him about the emotional, mental, and financial toll it would take on him.
now that he realizes the rules are not in his favour, he's now blaming me.

"sometimes i wish there was an OW."

Are you sure about that? Cause it may come up later. Is this a deal breaker for you?

this is the ultimate betrayal to me.
if his manhood ever went into another woman, it will never come back into. ever.

the reason why i said that an OW would be so much easier is because i wouldn't bother db-ing. i'd just go for the jugular. i cannot stress how PO-ed i'd be. there would be no limbo. it would be over. period.

"my biggest hurdle is the co-dependency between h's mom and h."

Why? Why does this matter? Did it effect you while you were "happily married"? If so.. how?

i don't think you want me to get into this.
he calls his parents every day.
his mother is constantly telling him how she cannot lose him and that he's all they have.
every small problem, we get a phone call asking for help.
they cannot make a decision without consulting each other.
they keep guilting him to spend time with them because this may be their last week alive.
he chooses them over me because on the age scale, who's dying first? he'll have more time for me after they die. so he tends to their needs first.
did it affect us? big YES.

"i saw my h's priority change throughout our m. i went from 1st to 8th on his priority list."

Expanding on this.. I was told "You become what you Judge". If you saw it happening what did you do to "stop" it? Flip in your mind a second and from "his" perspective explain to me why you moved down the list.

his perspective is that he is all his parents have. me? i have my family so it's not like i need him.
he thinks the bond he has with his parents is more special than the bond i have with my parents or his bond with me.

he tried to stand up to his parents once, and his mother cried and cried and cried. she said she wasn't welcomed in our home so she was never going to come visit.

he resented me for making him stand up to his parents. i wanted him to break away and be independent. but yet, time and time again, he would call them to consult with them on our issues.

"but because i lost the most valuable thing to me - my best friend."

How well did you and this BFF communicate?

we weren't the best communicators. but every birthday card or anniversary card, we'd write out our feelings. every card, we'd acknowledge that we had our faults but we never stopped loving each other. despite our issues, i never stopped loving him. our deal breakers were infidelity and physical abuse. when his parents weren't around, he was the sweetest thing on earth.

"i have no received a penny in support payments yet and i manage to do it on my own."

This concerns me some.

Do you have D papers signed and ready to go? Do you live in a state that has a "forced separation" time?

i think h figures that i couldn't live without them.
that i would curl up in a ball and cry.
that i would run home to my parents.
but i didn't.
i found my own place. i packed and moved on my own (his mom came and helped him pack - she was also here to make sure that h and i don't reconcile. cuz she has her baby boy back and she's #1 in his life again).

yes, 1-yr separation is mandatory before d-filing.

Good.. cause your name is kinda weird. It has some weird sexual overtones in it. For me at least. But.. then again.. I am weird.

well, i'm sure if he wantd his sexual needs satisfied, she's be more than happy to take care of them too.

soon to be "the Good Girl"