Nope...never knew what he was thinking or feeling and as much as I had dreamed that he longed to be home with me...that wasn't what he was thinking about at all...he was busy self medicating and trying NOT to feel anything...
The only gut thing I knew as that as much as I wanted to get over him and not love him and be able to move on with my life...I wasn't over him, I did love him, and I was not ready to move on with my life...other then to GAL...but not in the sense to move on with someone else
The thing you really have to keep foremost in your mind while going through all of this is that your H is hurting, deeply hurting...whether because of his own decisions or choices or things that he wasn't able to get from you that he needed (or thought he needed)...the past becomes distorted to them so you need to focus on the future...create change in yourself...your routines...your outlook...and then share with him when you can (not in a "look at me and how great I am" but just general talk about your life)...keeping the pressure off but showing him you won't reject his efforts...
My H put very little effort into reuniting because he felt such extreme guilt...to put effort would have required focusing on all that he had done and I personally think it would have been too much for him in his deeply depressed state (found out much later that he was borderline suicidal)so I just accepted him as he was...and made efforts where he would let me...
I really see hope in your case but I truly believe the effort will need to be on your part...put aside your fear of rejection because I think you are the stronger one at this point...he doesn't have it in him to even look to the future...he is on survival mode...
