Babydoll....your H's paternal instinct is kicking in. I think I read somewhere that fathers "nest" too...so all of that stuff he is doing could be part of nesting.
I think there is NO WAY you could detach from him right now! No matter how much you wanted to! It is probably just physically (seriously I mean hormonally) impossible.
So am wondering...is there a strategy for accepting that you love someone who "thinks" he doesn't love you in the same way? Because realistically you won't be able to stop your feelings for him right now. BUt you are also trying to think of your baby and include him in his life as his father.
I guess this next week will be a test as to what is too much for you and what is tolerable (because aren't you starting labor classes?)
It's like that pain scale with the different faces and you rate your pain from 1-10. Obviously the thought of your H won't get you to a low level like a 1. But if your lowest rating could be a 6, and it goes up to 10, then what things will you be able to tolerate, knowing the pain will be there.
I am so sorry- I hope this makes sense.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
BD, hard work being in contact with the WH so much! It would be nearly impossible to detach that way even if you weren't pregnant.
He's an interesting guy, really. I tend to think, and I don't have any idea so don't buy into it too much, but that he really just likes to have you in his life. Yes, he says right now that you can't be forever. But if you could find some peace with what he can give you right now, it might be easier to navigate these next few months. Lowwwww expectations. Maybe even write out what you will NOT expect to help you get a vision of what to expect!
You actually have kind of a long time before the birth. I know it's calendar-wise not long, but it is pretty long to be dealing with WH stuff. Maybe you will find a lull in 3 or 4 weeks.
It seems that you don't want him to "come back" to you after the baby because you don't trust that he's coming back for YOU. Is that what I understood? That's why I think it's soooo important that you have criteria now of what it will take for him to prove it to you.
For me, I've got: 1) He says he wants to try to make it work. 2) A couple of weeks at least of just getting used to each other, hanging out, no R talks, etc. This will help establish a little foundation before the hard work. 3) Marital counseling like whoa. It will be really hard. I'm talking 6-8 months of counseling while we live in separate places, deal with issues, and have dates, if possible. And then 4) Before we live together again, I want a recommitment ceremony. With self-written vows. And people in attendance who knew about our sitch.
And at some point in there, I'd like apologies/appeal for a second chance to family.
If WH can do all of those things, would that be enough to prove to you that it was about you?
Dont get me wrong... if H had an awakening when the baby was born or afterwards, I would extend my arms and sing and dance from the rooftops! But i just feel like I would have more doubts? But that is really stupid, because at this stage in the game if he changed his mind today, wouldnt it be the same thing?
There is no pushing him out. He said he is not going anywhere! I just wish he would WAKE UP! So much for low expectations!
There is NO WAY TO DETACH!
Here is how I feel:
Wake up and start thinking about how I should rearrange furniture. Want to talk to H, as he is helping me and I like his help, but am shy about calling him.
think about color swatches he left me and want to talk to him about it.
Want to discuss baby names.
So what do I do? Call him every minute!!! H says he is availble and wants to help, etc.
Went home last night, and noticed he moved my shoe racks (to a better spot) and organized all of my shoes! Paint swatches for the room, picked out blinds for the window in the baby room.
Uhhhh...
Gatsby, I do have a list of what it will take for H to prove he wants back.
NM, I guess what I feel is not so much anger or hurt, as I know he "thinks" he doesnt love me. Its just sadness.
Babydoll have you asked your H to go to counselling with you?Sorry cant remember if you discussed that.I think you have got to do what is important to you over the coming weeks buts as gatsby said with zero expectations from H.Personally talking from experience I would have him in the delivery room.It does completely change an H view but in a good way and perhaps he has to realise that your R throughout life goes on a journey with you and as it does it will change to something much more special that the lust/infatuation some of our H have found with Ow(fools). A baby needs both its parents.Perhaps after the delivery he maybe more open to moving back in and working to build a family.Cos it take alot of work and building to make a marriage and family....lots of hugs)))).(My 2 D's are 14/20 and I can still remember kicking..nothing to beat it shame dads dont experience it!)
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
BD, I understand the sadness of course. Like you said, there are all of these things you want to talk to your H about that relate to your baby! Nothing wrong with compiling a list and then saving it for next time you see him- in fact, it would be good for down time before and after your class. Is he driving you there?
Oh dear...am getting choked up! gotta go!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY BABYDOLL!!! You should be very proud!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Happy mothers day, BD. How are you doing? H still contacting you lots? (((hugs))))
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Jact, I did ask H to go to C. When he left, he wanted to go. then things got nasty. I asked a lot of times, he said no point. Then H wanted to go, i asked too many questions, he backed off and now he still doesnt see what the point of it is.
I had a nice day. I talked to H yesterday after emailing him some of the things I mentioned above. Let him know that i basically do not know how to treat him as anything else but my husband. And that i feel awkward reaching out even to discuss baby things etc. H called me when he recieved the email and wanted to talk about it. Said he knows the birth is about me until the baby comes and wants to be there with me to massage me, comfort me, support me, and push me through it.
H was so supportive and understands how its hard for me. Says he knows how incredibly hard it is, but is so happy and positive about the baby coming, and says lets focus on him and us being parents together. i broke the cardinal DB rule and asked if he could ever love me as his wife and would work at our marriage and H's response is "not right now". Said "I would need to learn how to put you first instead of myself" and right now I am focused on passing boards and school and the baby is my first priority right now. and that we dont know what the future holds for us and he doesnt look ahead only now. I asked if he is confident his feeling could never change, he said he is not sure, that maybe they could.
Definitely a different response than what he gave me in the past few months. I have extremely low expectations, just think its interesting that H is making contact and a lot of effort to be a part of my life. Not just the babys.We talked for a while. Not R stuff, and not all baby stuff, just talk... like old times.
he called last night and asked if it was okay that he come over today to come see me for mother;s day...
He text before he came over and brought me a card from the baby, for the mommy-to-be, and wrote a message saying thank you for taking such good care of the baby and how lucky the baby was to have a mommy like me. He brought over a few gifts, some for me, some for the baby. Just like my old H. its not the gifts, its the fact that he thought of things I need during my pregnancy and for me. he stayed a few hours... call me crazy, but I breath better when he is around... i just feel like me, the real me. He sent my mom a MD card as well. She was in tears.
He sent several texts afterwards, and called tonight just to follow up and chat. He was happy that my sister called him tonight to thank him for a gift H bought her son for his bday last week. H likes that my family is still loving and accepting of him. We talked for a bit and then he hung up saying have a good night talk to you tomorrow... (sigh)
then sent another text
I recieved 6 mother's day cards this week, from his aunts, sister, parents... they are all reaching out and want to come over and visit now before the baby comes, or go to dinner, etc.
we start Birthing classes on Wednesday, but may be meeting up before hand to go over things. NM, dont know if we are driving there together. We drove separate cars to baby doc this past week. I will not ask, will see if he does... if not, no biggie.
Seems like we are going to be seeing a lot of each other... planning to go furniture shopping together, H is coming by one day to bring my car to get maintenanced before the baby comes, wants to come by this week, a family friend is giving me lots of baby clothes from her son, and he wants to be a part of it, and so many other things...
I am trying to be strong. Zero Expectations... well maybe a teeny weeny tiny bit... very minute...
