G-Woman, Ah, teenage boys/young men! Yes, I remember it well.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
I don't think you can tell someone to respect you, though.
Agreed. You can only command it. You're doing that. It just takes time to bear fruit.
Sorry about your MIL; enjoy your time with her. The change of clothes is a good idea. With the asthmatic bronchitis, meds and steroids, you don't need to wear yourself down.
Mother-daughter time sounds good, too, even if under sad conditions (anniversary) and you're now the Queen of clutter-tossing, so that should help!
I just recently posted my unused 2nd floor master bedroom suite on craigslist. $urvival mode. Three prospects/showings this weekend, all scared away by the For Sale sign. Oh, well.
Good luck. (((GW)))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
The oldest son moves out on Saturday. Is excited and I'm excited for him. Will sign over the car and get him off my insurance.
Sophomore in high school daughter in show Thursday, Friday and Saturday ("The Sound of Music" directed by a professional director with incredible scenery - a working fountain, etc., period costumes and trained singers) at Shelton High for those who are interested. She has a speaking role which is unusual for her age. Should be fun.
I've been helping out and had a relapse of the asthmatic bronchitis due to the dust encrusted nuns costumes and overexertion. I've helped the past week. Felt bad today. Went in to do hair and then left. I kept having to repeat.. "Do hair, then leave." Took two hours to do 12 girls. I'd taken a quick nap before leaving and couldn't even walk in a straight line for the first 8 minutes.
Aside from that all is good. Emotions are calming. I'm practicing self care, relaxing techniques for when I go for my dad's anniversary of his death. I suspect that lots of mixed emotions, some negative, will surface. Forewarned is fore armed
Transitions happen so gradually.. dark night fading to gray to meet the emerging wash of color with the dawn of each new day. Perceptions and images change slowly, gradually.
What was once a lingering limbo turns to light, one spectrum at a time.
Perhaps I'm experiencing that. Expanding in some areas while living a few contractions of fear.
My almost 93 year old mother in law is having a recent bout of medical problems, the aging of the brain and body. I've stepped up from once a month to twice a month to weekly. One thing I've learned from my dad's death is that I never regretted the time I spent with him and my mother, moments that last for a lifetime but if missed, can never be reclaimed.
Like most people, the loss of my mother in law's spouse changed her focus from being content to live an insular life with her husband to learning to be in greater contact with her children. Over time a new relationship has formed. When I go to see her now, I plan on spending several hours with her (I live an hour and a half away). We discuss current events, some pleasant memories, play cards (teaching her games she doesn't know). Before I leave I give her a Soft Touch hand massage which deeply soothes her. It's always a beautiful, wonderful visit.
And yet, hearing one daughter's tone, I have to make sure I don't cross boundaries. She is their mother, I am not a blood relative. If they get riled, they shun people. I keep my mantra of "Whatever works for my mother-in-law works for me."
Anyway, after coming back from a quick visit to make her a meal (she stopped eating and I thought the scent of food would help) and during my third traffic tie up while trying to get home in time to do my daughter's hair and most of the other girls' hair for the show with 20 minutes and counting, I saw the former spouse's name calling on my cell phone.
I answered.
He told me he was taking me to court because I'd done nothing to get his name off the mortgage 16 months after the divorce. That he was looking forward to telling the judge his story. I tried to interject the agreements we'd made, the roadblocks that'd come up (many in part to his incorrect actions). He talked over me, called me some names and hung up.
My first thought was everything I'd have to do to avoid the threat of going to court, or possibly do. Momentary 9.1 Richter scale panic set in. Then I realized, it was 5:30 on a Friday afternoon. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it until Monday.
And I let it go.
I knew my responsibilities, what was important. To get home to my daughter, do the hair, get to the school, spend several hours doing the same for others then enjoy the show. And that's what I did.
Yet I let myself be bound by my own emotions from his continuing abusive emails. Being venomous to me when he's at fault, threatening, bullying.
Yet I can step away, even though those thoughts linger, and at times multiply, increasing the anxiety I lived daily in the marriage.
But I'm doing better.
And guess what! Just when he's threatening legal action, everything is falling in place. The loan modification was approved, which means I can assume the mortgage with whatever blots from the process on my credit nullified. Almost like a phoenix emerging from the ashes.
The divorce is a shadow.. perhaps why I feel there's little I can contribute here. Like many I feel a huge sense of relief no longer to be caught in the muck although I still don't believe marriages should end without an open and honest appraisal, without jointly doing everything to make it work. But, hey... I'm a different person now, or maybe I'm more of the person I was meant to be.
Anyway.. lots of words.. more love and hugs to y'all.. peace and blessings, health and joy in life.
But I'm doing better.And guess what! Just when he's threatening legal action, everything is falling in place. The loan modification was approved, which means I can assume the mortgage with whatever blots from the process on my credit nullified. Almost like a phoenix emerging from the ashes. The divorce is a shadow.. perhaps why I feel there's little I can contribute here. Like many I feel a huge sense of relief no longer to be caught in the muck although I still don't believe marriages should end without an open and honest appraisal, without jointly doing everything to make it work. But, hey... I'm a different person now, or maybe I'm more of the person I was meant to be.
All great to hear (read).You sound good. I'm happy for you. Miss our talks, though. Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
With the exception of my parents, most people either never trusted the former spouse, felt manipulated or that he intentionally manipulated them or that he was a good provider but a bad husband or that he kept crushing me down.
And that he could be incredibly charming, welcoming and was intelligent.
Now that I'm away from the relationship I see how bad it was, how knowingly manipulative he was/is.
Something broke. It wasn't (or couldn't be) fixed. It ended.
G-Woman, I seem to get the impression that my posts and phone messages of the last several weeks are being ignored (assumption}. Hope I didn't unknowingly, somehow offend at some point. You have my number if you wish to talk offline. (((hugs)))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Year One (Three months after the bomb, divorce proceeding)
Cried, was angry and upset at divorcing spouse for destroying Mother's Day, that it was his job to motivate the kids, to show me recognition, to plan the day.
Year Two (Four months after the divorce was completed)
Told kids I wanted cards from them. Received three great cards with personal thoughts written. My mom and brother both sent me cards, too. Felt a feeling of gratitude for what the kids did. Felt blessed. And touched and happy about the cards from family.
Year Three (One year and four months since divorce finalized)
Oldest son who moved out kept calling me until he caught up with me. Had a nice chat. Chose not to be suspicious about 'car problems'. Was grateful for what he gave.
Second son drove home from school (90 minutes) Saturday. The three of us, him, my daughter and I, went to dinner at a great place (I paid by choice because being together was what was important). Spent time alone with him listening to how he was handling things, told him how proud I was of him in how mature and responsible he was.
He gave me the most beautiful card saying all those things.. how great I was, that I was always there for him, that if I needed anything he was only a hoot and a holler away.. went on and on. I cried and kept hugging him. His girlfriend even gave me one, addressed to Mama Gypsy with sweet sentiments. My son said.. "You are not alone, Mom. You are not alone." I was touched beyond words.
My 15 year old daughter had to be nudged into making a card, thought Mother's Day obligations were over with the dinner the previous evening. Eventually got into the swing of things. She has gotten used to the world revolving around her.
This morning (after they brought back breakfast and munchkins) we went and cleared out overgrowth that mucked up the look of the yard along with a billion little seedlings from fertile acorns.
So, the upside of the divorce is that the kids are what make Mother's Day meaningful. That I'm grateful for what they give.. because it's their choice. If it's minimal I accept it is to the best of their ability. And being a Mom, at least for me, is accepting who they are. And the best gifts are those that are freely given, not as an obligation.
And I am so very touched and feel so blessed for what I was given this year.
