I think you need to turn that around and say HE is the convenient piece of a$$. I do think though that this could lead to piecing if you both are honest and willing to put in the hard work.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Mishka, do you honestly believe Gabe is going to sit and share his feelings, where he thinks this is going and discuss his affair with you? I mean, really!!! You don't believe that will happen, do you. During your M did he ever sit and openly share his feelings, his dreams of where you two are going, etc etc.? I'm taking a big leap here (not really) and saying NO! So, is what you are asking for (or hoping to hear)now realistic? As far as the A goes, most spouses are very reluctant to discuss the A because they were the ones who did the bad thing and they would prefer to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. So, I don't think that is unusual. The other thing is that men are not big on discussing "feelings". Women are always better at that than us and we don't like to do things we aren't good at especially when we know our spouse can wipe the floor with us feeling talk wise! Hey, we think watching TV together is romantic heaven and can't figure why are spouse says "we don't do anything together". OK, I'm not trying to excuse him (really I'm not!) just asking you to look at what you're asking for and do a reality check. You can take on the victim role very easily by pushing for things that you know you won't ever get from him. Is what you're looking for reasonable? Hey, he's already home and thinks he's on easy street. It's a lot harder to get what you want now that he's there. I think it's easier when he thinks he has to earn getting back in but that's neither here nor there because you've already let him in. You have a tougher job now, that's for sure. OK, enough of my rambling. I hope it's of some use. Now, rip me to shreds ladies! Btw, men tend to show affection by doing things for their spouse rather than verbalizing their feelings. Does he do anything for you?
Hey, in addition to my above post, here is a book suggestion for you, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about it" and here's a recommendation by someone we all know on this board. It might not have all the answers, especially about the A issue, but could be helpful in other areas.
“If you've ever told your spouse, ’I talk until I'm blue in the face,’ or ’It's in one ear and out the other,’ stop whatever you're doing and read this book immediately! You're about to discover why talking things out isn't always the best way to get through to your spouse or achieve more closeness and connection. More important, you'll learn exactly what you need to do today to truly transform your relationship forever.”
---Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, founder of divorcebusting.com and author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage
Too late for me. I learned a hard lesson in mediation. The first one I wanted to make my points and we just argued back and forth.
The other two I just sat there and let her talk and she gave in on quite a few things.
I remembered years earlier that I listened way more than I talked -- getting to know her. Then, as the years went on she withdrew and I filled the void by talking, talking, trying to convince.
I may pick the book up after the D, before I meet someone new.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I may pick the book up after the D, before I meet someone new.
CTH, the trick is never to meet someone new, that way you save yourself the price of the book and can add the cash to your "big screen TV with surround sound and a cool gaming system fund". I've never met a TV that wanted me to share my feelings and that makes me feel accepted and loved. Whew, I think it's time for bed, I'm really losing it!
We're not really piecing....that's the thing. I don't know WTH to call it!!!!
I'm going to spend a lot of this weekend trying to be more specific with myself and you all. It has to help. You guys give me GREAT ideas and direction to take my thoughts. Without that I spin in circles like a darned dog chasing it's tail.
Of course you aren't in piecing. Don't even begin to think you are in piecing. You have been dating a guy for a few weeks with whom you started having sex too soon. Both of you are emotionally invested in the R, neither of you knows what you want long term.
QUIT trying to see the future. You can't.
NOTHING wrong with wanting a partner who communicates with you. If Gabe isn't that partner, so be it. But give the guy a chance, GEEZ. You keep prejudging him. You keep assuming. Stop it.
Regarding the martyr crap, I can't even bear comment on it. You are a grown woman making you own choices. No one is entitled to treat you in a way you don't want. You are not obligated to accept any facet of an R that doesn't work for you.
That being said, you aren't even giving yourself or Gabe a chance to be a good partner. Be who you want to be, then see who he is. You are consistently wrong about the content of his internal dialogue and his motives. Why don't you wait and see what they are before you base your choices on lies that you tell yourself.
Maybe I am wrong. I have never been there, so I don't really know what piecing entails. I do know that he is home, Mish, and that is a start.
Remember, this should not be a continuation of the old M, but the beginning of a new R. So you really should not slip back into the comfort zone of the old.
The other thing you need to ask yourself...do you really want the details of the A? I know that some do, it is healing. Me, I wouldn't. But it is a personal choice.
I do think that the issues of what actually IS going on need to be addressed. You don't want to fall into the ex sex rut either...if this is truly piecing, or leading to piecing I should say, than great.
But if Gabe thinks he can park his ass on your couch because it is there, you need to rethink. Mish, you have to love yourself, and sometimes, you have to love yourself a little bit more than someone else. That means not allowing Gabe to take advantage of your good nature, no matter how much you love him.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
