What to do when their friends suggest leaving?

[Greek]

BO,
So to your original question about what one could do to offset the influence of WAS friends...I'll tell you what Coach did re: my WAS support group. He didn't even know who they were! As he expressed to you earlier, there was nothing he could do about what they would or would not advise me to do or not do, and he didn't try. I had only one sort of dangerous friend and I did go out w her once. Coach knew it and was upset about it. His action that night he knew I was out w her was to take his phone apart in three pieces so he would not call me while I was out. I know he was upset. I know he was worried. I know he wanted very much to get in then way of that friend taking me out. HERE IS THE THING...there was NOTHING he could have said or done, no one he could have influenced, nothing he could have advised me of, no article or book he could have set before me that would have kept me from going for drinks w that friend that night. In fact, had he tried any of those things, I would have pulled even further away! Repeat...FURTHER AWAY. His successful damage control was indeed to leave me alone and take excellent care of himself.

And that dangerous friend? I ended up seeing for myself that she was not good counsel for me. To this day, Coach has yet to neither agree nor disagree.

And on the other end of the spectrum, other members of my support group included two former nuns. Coach has had nothing to say about them either.

Because it didn't matter if I was getting counsel from a cougar or a former nun...he could not control any of it. And trying to do so would have been seen by me as controlling, desperate, weak.

I know you are not asking for advice and none is being offered here. I'm attempting to answer what I think you are asking about. I'm giving you the WAS perspective of what worked re: the influence of friends and what should be done about it.

Greek

[Bummedout]

If that's what you want, just say so. You're starting to come across as pretty arrogant and rude for people who have nothing but good intentions.

Well, that's what I wanted . . .and I said so, numerous times.

I'm just curious...do you take this tone with your W too? [/quote]

No, not at all, actually. I reserve that tone for people who are arrogant, condescending, and rude to me. For real. For one thing, my wife isn't generally arrogant, condescending, and rude to me. She generally doesn't hammer me with unasked for advice in a rude and/or condescending manner.

While things got off to a shaky start here from the getgo for me, I'm actually a pretty jovial and likable guy. But admittedly I don't suffer 'rude' or subordinating crap very well. In ya'lls defense, that's caught a few rude and subordinating people off guard in 'real life' so-to-speak, as I'm cool until someone gets a little snooty with me, then I can get a little sarcastic.

I think I've mentioned this before already, but your implication, even if it was in the form of a "question" is one of the things I would find 'annoying' in 'real life.'

Again, since my wife isn't that sort of person, I don't take this tone with her.

I'm assuming you have nothing to add with regard to experiences with actually trying something besides doing nothing to add. Thanks anyway.

[Bummedout]

- do you really invest time in keeping track of "cheap shots"?

No, not really. So I don't.

- if you really want to learn about other people's experiences then "my advice to you" is to read other people's threads instead of asking them to regurgitate those experiences on your thread for your benefit.
good luck!

I actually spent a couple hours looking for others experiences on this particular part of the problem before I even posted. I didn't find anything that more than kinda "touched" on it. I did find one theread that sorta covered it, a long one actually that went for quite some time.

Apparently they went with "do nothing", and quite some time later it didn't seem to be going well for that poor person. Not that I'm saying that "doing nothing" about friends bad advice led to the apparent failing . . .but it clearly didn't help . . .sorta like my situation.

I think many of you underestimate the damage and setback this can cause a relationship, and apparently aren't real keen on figuring out if there might be something or some things that one might be able to try to at least mitigate the damage. I find this rather "stubbornly holding onto doing nothing" as a solution to a very real part of the problem rather puzzling . . .and to use the overused buzzword "counterintuitive"

And unfortunately, you apparently miss the value a more detailed discussion in depth that specifically focuses on this part of the 'Divorce Busting' problem might have for others, not just "selfish old me."

To be honest . . .which of course ya'lll interpret as "arrogant" . . . I'd rather get this thread refocused on what I actually asked about, instead of a tag team match to see 'who can inappropriately psychoanalyze Bummedout the harshest.' So . . . .

Any of ya'll ever tried to do something besides 'nothing' in dealing with the problem of friends supporting your spouse in wanting to end your relationship?

[lees]

I tried confronting the mutual friends which supported my STBXW in her decision to end our marriage. Even those that knew of her affair before I did, replied that it wasn't their place to be involved. They would gamely continue to be my friend if I was willing to not talk to them about her behaviour or our relationship.

I ditched them. Even though they were the witnesses, dog handler, photographer at our wedding only 6 months prior they didn't have the guts to support our marriage. I don't want spineless friends who choose to be accomplices.

[Bummedout]

Lees,
I feel for ya there, No possible way I'd want to remain friends with folks who just stood back as my relationship deteriorated.
Don't answer if you aren't up to it, but were those witnesses/handler/photographer primarily your friends or hers? I'm 'friendly' with the woman I'm concerned about "helping" my wife, but I seriously doubt she's acting as a die hard advocate for holding it together. She is essentially, my wifes 'friend' who I am also on friendly terms with. I hope that makes sense.

I probably should read your thread to understand more about what you're going through. So much info here, wish I could be more helpful to some of you and less "arrogant and evil and unappreciative and selfish and blind and" . . . all that other crap folks like to pretend they have me pegged for. (sorry, but that does bug me a little . . ."all about me," and all) But I will read some of your other posts. And really . . . thanks for what ya posted. Much closer to what I was hoping people would post.


I've wanted to update my giving her the article about 'friends and advice', but she's popped in the last 2 times I was here, and had to cut it short. Too much time dealing with others attacks on my motives, I should know better I suppose.

As for my giving her the article a few days ago . . . I haven't mentioned it, neither has she. I did see her reading it again though, not sure if that's a good sign or not.

I did tell her last night that after thinking about it and "coming to grips" (I used those exact words) with what she said, that like it or not, I understood that if she wanted to back off, wasn't much I could do about it, and "if that's the way it is, it's the way it is," and I'd start working on getting on with my life. Said it kind of matter of factly, with just a hint of regret . . . like I was telling her I went to 'buy something and the store and it was out of stock,' is the best way I can think of to describe 'my attitude' on it.

This, I think anyway, is where the 'counterintuitive' thing actually comes into play. (As opposed to some folks here pretty much asserting that anything and everything that is "intuitive" is wrong. Which is "wrong" incidentally)

But I've digressed. Anyway, this did seem to rattle her a teeny bit. Today I mentioned I should probably think about getting my own bank account again. There was a long pause from her, and she concurred . . .though it seemed more like she was pretending to concur. Seems like a tiny good sign, but I know all this stuff can be a little "Step forward, step backward, step forward, step backward."

But, as it stands, I don't see where my giving her the article has hurt anything . . .though admittedly the result isn't necessarily gonna instantly manifest itself.

[Bummedout]

BO,
So to your original question about what one could do to offset the influence of WAS friends...
Greek

Hey Greek,
Thanks for that, that was more of what I'm looking for, folks actual experiences with what they did or didn't do and how they felt the outcome worked out. Interesting perspective too, thank you.

I do need to point out though that While I initially told her I didn't want her talking to her friend about our relationship, it wasn't probably fifteen twenty minutes later that I apologized and told her I didn't have the right to tell her who she could or couldn't talk to or about what, and I did that WELL before I ever made my first post here. I figured that one out pretty quick myself, heheh. And I did state that already.

Unfortunately many here don't seem to remember that, and assume I want to jump up and build some sort of wall between them, being the arrogant S.O.B. folks have decided I am.
I admit . . to YOU folks, that it eats at me every time this woman calls. But I just "grin and bear it" even when she walks out to the front porch to talk. I actually make a point of making sure she knows I'm not listening, usually by either coming to the computer, which she can see from the window, or going out to my shop, anything to 'appear' that it does'nt bug me and I'm not spying or eavesdropping.

A minor concern, though I haven't seen any real evidence of it, is that she might be a little puzzled that it doesn't seem to bother me more (believe me, it bothers me immensely)

The other day, she came in after I saw her sit on the porch talking, and she kinda "too" casually declared "That was (friends name here)". I just asked casually if they'ed finished with the Crown molding yet (her friend and her husband are remodeling)

Not sure how it's going overall, really. On the plus side, she isn't as crabby, and she actually initiated the first sex in months just last night, though she told me not to "read too much into it" I just said "I'm not" which was true actually, I'm not gonna read too much into that.

Anyway, again thanks . . . . I appreciate you addressing what I actually started this thread for.

[gucci loafer]

Unfortunately many here don't seem to remember that, and assume I want to jump up and build some sort of wall between them, being the arrogant S.O.B. folks have decided I am.

Wrong. I for one am not assuming...

I KNOW you want to build a wall between them.

You sure sound paranoid about people not liking you and judging you and yet you come acrsss to me as judging not only people on here, but judging your wifes' friends. That is typical of abusers.. Others may believe you, but you are lying.
This whole thread is on how you can build a wall between them and you are hoping that others will give you their experience on what did and didn't work to build that wall and alienate her from the friends that you think are influencing her.
You have even gone so far as to try to scare us that you will leave this site if you don't get what you want. (another abuser tactic) Wow.. Scary. Who do you think you are tying to fool?

[lees]

Lees,

Don't answer if you aren't up to it, but were those witnesses/handler/photographer primarily your friends or hers? I'm 'friendly' with the woman I'm concerned about "helping" my wife, but I seriously doubt she's acting as a die hard advocate for holding it together. She is essentially, my wifes 'friend' who I am also on friendly terms with. I hope that makes sense.

Mix of both of our friends. 1 witness each. Photographer was her friend but we had become close in the last few years. She was most upset when I said I didn't want to maintain a friendship with her as she coudln't support our marriage. She still contacts me, and I ignore it. She knew about the OM before I did. The dog handler is just about a mutual friend again now. I struggle to let go of him as he has been a staunch support of me and for that I am grateful. I can't tell him to sod off after all the nights he spent with me whilst I was crying and feeling suicidal, he has been a shining beacon of compassion in all of this. I'm sad he's not got the guts to tell the STBXW what he tells me he thinks of her, but he has always been one to avoid confrontation at all costs.

Incidentally I think it may be time to get a bit tougher with your wife. She needs to see some consequences. Sort out that bank account. I had lots of hot air from mine when I spoke about taking her to small claims court for money she owes me, and guess what. Within 72hrs of the papers landing on her doormat she was at my door with her chequebook. 2 months of letters and emails and text messages asking for and eventually demanding money and threatening court just got me counter threats which were obviously rubbish. The action had her come to this side of town for the first time in her life, never mind our separation.

I may be mistaken, but that appears to be the first positive I've seen in months. Now I just wish the OM would disappear in a puff of smoke.......

[MrBond]

If you have a concrete question, why not get a DB coach? On here you are going to get every one and anyone to respond. It's understandable. For you to get defensive about people not answering your EXACT question of what you want is condescending and arrogant.

Take it for what it is...FREE advice.

[Bummedout]

Unfortunately many here don't seem to remember that, and assume I want to jump up and build some sort of wall between them, being the arrogant S.O.B. folks have decided I am.

Wrong. I for one am not assuming...

I KNOW you want to build a wall between them.

You sure sound paranoid about people not liking you and judging you and yet you come acrsss to me as judging not only people on here, but judging your wifes' friends. That is typical of abusers.. Others may believe you, but you are lying.

That's actually kinda funny, heheh. Sorry Doctor Phil, but "that dog don't hunt" . . . . probably because it's actually a pig.