help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[imLIN]

I know if he returned it would be quiet, phone call or knock on the door at night, phonecall out of the blue.I am worried he is still too weak and in deep replay.

Extending a hand to be his friend doesn't necessarily mean him coming home...but opening the door to be his friend, talk to him, listen to him...he sounds like a very sensitive man...and like I felt when I read your sitch...very afraid of rejection especially considering his rejection from childhood by his mother...not many know that a relationship between mother and son is actually more crutial to the development of the man then between father and son...the same with Father and daughter being more then mother daughter...

Sounds like your MIL had some deep issues herself...

I don't know how things work there but I did call and talk to my H's doctor and told him what was going on and he did a mini intervention with him on his next visit...he was the key to getting H to agree to antidepressants.

[saffie]

Hi Jac

Just popping in to say hello as I have been a bit MIA.

H has been away in Glasgow on business and I always get really twitchy when he is away, ( even though he hasn't ever given me cause to be that way). It was when he was doing a lot of work away in Ireland a few years back that he had his A.....so I guess you can see why it gets me that way.

I even went on to FB and found the skank OW and blocked her and then hacked H's FB account and made sure she was blocked from that too.....in addition to blocking any people she was connected to mutually to either me , H or any of H's employees; stupid I know....but it made me feel better. I just didn't like the idea of her being able to look at who our friends were and being able to click through and see my children, ( who are all on as my friends).

I am settling down now H is back home but am still a bit ruffled.

Also had some bad medical news regarding degeneration of my spine, which I have being trying to digest. As you can imagine, with me having the horses, this is a bit of a blow.

Hope to resume normal activity by Monday - lol!!!!!

[JacT]

Yes my MIL had issues which impacted on her R with her father, her H and her son.She had a mental breakdown at the same age and lost her son as a result.She had real problem with men in general.I dont know the background unfortunately.
Our doc knows about H cdg and has done so since we got together but he never goes to doc(when he left infact he was quite unwell with chest inf and this is the first I have ever seen him unwell) so I dont think that will be possible.
He is a very sensitive man, prob his feminine side coming out.I did not help with the abandonment and threatened to ask him to leve a nos of times..it was very wrong but I thought it would kick in reality and help him help himself.I am ashamed.
The OW saw his weakness and pounced like a tiger..meeting all the needs I didnt but I was at breaking point..no excuse but I was.
She is evil pure evil,used my dad, a friend of ours, came to see where we lived, brought other people to show what he gave up (to be with her no doubt.)
The hold I think she may have scares me.She is like a drug dealer feeding a habit.She is saying she accepts him for who he is.I know she calls him by his fem name.
My spiritual healer says he is with her because he is scared of being alone, said ow isnt coping and drinking heavily because she can only cope with the sitch when she has had a drink.She said he will come home but I wont want him.
I am totally sure ow has pushed him to stay away from us.(he let us down a couple of times just after he left(I am sure she senses he loves his family having finished it a week before I found out,he never went to her when I sussed something was going on in April and believe he was obviously totally miserable when he first left).
I am terrified of rejection.I thought the girls would be a pull but they havent been says to his dad he knws hes problem and cant face us.

[JacT]

Saf good to talk.I have missed you not being around.
These OW are poisonous and she aint gonna give my H up now shes got him.His wekends are now spent at the local Asda..howw sad.
It must be very hard.You ladies who deal with your R in such a positive way deserve medals.Your H sound as if they have learned their lessons and whilst our pain is hell on earth, surely theirs would have been as bad if not worse.You should come up next time he is on a trip and we can meet up.
Sorry to hear about your spine.Whats wrong/.I have had surgery twice due to severe prolapse L4/5.The lower discs are leaking and hitting the sciatic nerve in my legs so I wear the bupnorphine pain patches.(godsend)I have a prolapse in the cervical spine too.I walk with a stick.
My health has been a challenge over the years.They think it was epidural with kids that caused damage.I was due to have a fusion done but decide the risks were too high.
The pain meds have caused other probs with bowel etc.This is whats crazy.My H could have left years ago when my condition was at its peak but he was amazing.
Did you feel your guesses about how he was feeling were right throughout his A?
I would really need to be held back if I ever bumped into OW.

hang in there you are guiding light for us.(((lots hugs)))

[imLIN]

Somehow, I don't think if you extended a hand to your H that he would reject you...when 2 are afraid of rejection the only way to get around it is for one to take the first step...

If H didn't want to leave, had ended the A, and is with OW only because he fears being alone I would think you have a very good chance of working on things and coaxing him to consider returning home...

A stale mate continues as long a no one makes a move...my H rejected me a few times...quite strongly stating he would never move home, never live with me again...and he WANTED to leave when he moved out...

I see so many positives in your sitch...really think you need to start looking at one you can do with them when your ready to face the issues...

[saffie]

Somehow, I don't think if you extended a hand to your H that he would reject you...when 2 are afraid of rejection the only way to get around it is for one to take the first step...

If H didn't want to leave, had ended the A, and is with OW only because he fears being alone I would think you have a very good chance of working on things and coaxing him to consider returning home...

A stale mate continues as long a no one makes a move...

I think this is very well put.

Even when my H was having his A, it turned out we were both lying in bed next to one another wanting to reach out but both of us were afraid of rejection.

Jac - you on FB? I have problems with L4/5 also with between my shoulder blades and C4,5 and 6. My spine is ageing way faster than it should; I am scared and it hurts. I am on so many pain killers and due to pain can't keep much weight on me as I have trouble eating and sleeping.

[beingreal]

Just popping in to check up on you. I'm so sorry that this is happening, I know it feels so heavy right now. I think you have two very wise voices guiding you right now--I hope you listen to them.


The OW really sounds like a piece of work. I wonder about her--how twisted do you have to be to prey on someone like him? She's playing him like a fiddle, and so incredibly vile. I can imagine that he is too afraid and embarrassed to reach out.

Take your time. Make sure you know what you want. (((hugs)))

[JacT]

imLin you are right I know he is very hurt and disgusted at what he has done.I gave some very clear messages early on not to come near cos he wanted to bring Xmas cards..will I drop them in or put them htrough the letterbox?....I told him to post them but he did post through the letterbox.
He may have been hoping I wiould say pop in.
Asking for the D has put me off.I am torn between thinking he was testing the water(have not hear anything since now 9 weeks)or hoped I would respond by saying no and it would encourage an exchange of emails..what do you think?
Did you get your H thoughts and feeling right when he was away? ie does you gut feel change cos their in MLC?
I have my counselling session Mon..maybe something to discuss
sincere thanks

[JacT]

Shel she is vile beyond belief.Its how calculating she was over a relatively long period of time(apr07- jul09). My dad was recovering from lung surgery and he was a poor looking thing and she still dragged info from him to use in destroying our marriage.I know it takes 2 but with this kind of deception and pursuing what hope did I have not knowing what was going on.
She knew my H was vulnerable and weak.
deep down my H knows this..she was being used to satisfy his cdg urges cos she was up for anything end of story but its a strong hold from my H perspective..

[JacT]

Saf thats not good I have a prolapse onleft side of my cervical spine and a slight disc prtrusion on the right.
The pain med..patches were an incredible relief in terms of pain.
I am on fb but not established.I would be happy to email you my home ctcs and we could chat if you like or I could try and get fb up and running.
Thinking of you and appreciate how difficult you are finding the news.