2 weeks left to DB

[Piano]

hi everyone!
off to meet him in 30mins..
No soapboxing..promise!
No idea what he wants to talk about apart from admin. Maybe the name again?

Probably whether or not to hyphenate the surname of bub. I suppose I can say "I need time to think through it one last time?" Does that work?

He may also like to talk to me about BIL and general chit chat. Do I engage in that? Politely, not like we would in the 'old days'?

He might want to talk to me about his work and precarious living arrangements... not sure what he'll ask exactly.

About the "softening" - he did reach out... but I felt it was cake eating.

Maybe I am meant to be counterintuitive and let him cake eat????

I am trying to remember that my coach said he was feeling inadequate, so I should try to make him feel more adequate?

Here's what Coach (not mine, but the vet here) is saying on his thread;

agree with the WAS
Drop the rope (let him go)
GAL (become interesting - I think the way I can be interesting is by being the one with the baby!), walkaway (be the first to leave)

Tell myself:

I am fine without WAH
I don't need him
Detach

and yet somehow meld the above with 'Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs, not feelings..."


Ooo- what a combo!

[gatsby11]

You are meeting with him right now. I'm going to send good energy your way.

[Piano]

Thanks everyone for your advice and energy! Will do a separate post on what transpired with WAH.
But first G, your story - thanks for sharing it here. I should go to your post to respond, but I just wanted to say quickly how obviously your husband DOES fit what my coach said about this type of WAS being unable to see themselves being happy in the role of husband/father. The adjustment disorder diagnosis also seems spot on.
I noticed some year(s) ago, H started treating me more and more like his mother. Avoiding. After reading your post, I am curious to know what the relationship between your WAH and his mum is like right now?

[Piano]

Meeting with WAH took an unexpected turn or two.

I had SMS'd him the night before saying that I didn't have all the admin docs he needed, but should have by mid-week, so perhaps best to reschedule our rendezvous for then. He replied quickly, "Can't we catch up anyway?". Yay! I was so proud of myself! I played a little "hard to get", and look - he persued me! OK, small scale, but something! And new for me.

So we then caught up this morning as arranged at a cafe near me. He looked dishevelled as usual (this is quite normal though) and not too healthy. I was looking good and felt calm.

(After all my deliberating here on my post about how to appraoch this meeting, I decided to "glow", be excited about baby and life, have no expectations from him, not talk M or OW, and to be the one to walk away if possible -- I knew this would be the hard bit for me - always is. I kept firm eye contact throughout, but wasn't over engaging.)

Waited for him to bring up the admin stuff ..it didn't come.... Instead out of his backpack he handed me a gift for the baby. A cute bunny rug. He went into why he bought this one, why the colour etc...he had put some thought into it - unusual for him because he is very, very lax when it comes to presents. I asked if I could open it there and then and "ooh" and "ahh'd" (trying to validate of course!). Won't go into the details but he told me about other things he was trying to buy but had encountered troubles with in the shop, and we agreed to sort it out down the track.

I tried not to take over the conversation, so just allowed the silences. A 180 for me. He then said, "I was interested you called our baby by her name in your email to me. Does that mean you have decided to call her that?" (it's the name we both like best) and I said, "oh, I think it's good to try it out when I can...not that I have mentioned it to anyone else yet" and he nodded vigourously and said "yes, and I think it's good to give it a little test run ....but your not totally comitted to it then?" and I said casually, "Oh, I don't know... I guess WE can wait to see if it suits her when she is born...". He was enthusiastic about that idea.

Another little silence and he said "I've been feeling a bit low this week' and I said, "it's no fun being sick.... that's what was making you feel down?" (he has had a bad cold) and he said "yeah, that..... and just...life...in general". I took in this news, and just nodded slowly..sort of in an understanding way (validate...). I realised that this was a big reason why he had come to see me. I could tell he was sad and maybe lonely. Heck, it's Mothers Day and me and BIL are off to my parents, without him... that must hurt him somewhere! But don't want to read too much into this confession of being "sad". Mental note: he CHOSE this!
I tried to remember what he had done to me, and that tomorrow I would be waking up alone again. No time to feel sorry for HIM.

Then we talked about BIL, his aunty, his mother, his grandfather and their crazy relationships. It was like he was chatting to me like he would in the old days and I was reluctant to play the role but slipped in and out nonetheless...I mean, I have just told him several times recently I won't be his friend and here we are gossipping as of old! I started to feel uncomfortable so shifted the conversation to his work. No jobs coming his way in the next few weeks, except, get this: he was offered to travel back to his country (and country of OW!!) in early June for a conference and he turned it down because the baby is due soon and he was worried about not being here, esp if she comes very late. Good huh?!

Then, still not having brought up the admin stuff, he asked if he could walk me home. I said OK, lightly. He walked slowly beside me and then at my door, I was about to say goodbye and he asked if he could come in and see BIL. I was surprised, and then unsure, but said "OK" again, although not super enthusiastically. Was worried a boundary was being crossed, but accepted it anyway...

I let him inside and he went to speak with BIL, while I pottered a bit downstairs. Then I went to join them, and got busy making a cake for mothers day lunch with my folks, with BIL's help from time to time. It was strange - BIL beaming that we were all together, me very relaxed, H like a visitor and clearly not wanting to leave soon.

He then asked me about some of his clothes he was missing, esp his hat now that it was getting cold. He followed me downstairs and it was an occassion to look at more baby gear and what she is going to wear when she comes home. I asked his advice and he gave it (validate, validate). We talked about MIL coming from overseas to meet the baby in a few months and he said she'd a natural with babies but a bit bossy, and I said I'd just tell her 'thanks but I'll do it my way' and you can always tell her off also. He said "if i am there". Ambiguous.

It was time for us to leave for lunch, and so he left at the same time (not before) & it was a contact-less goodbye and a bit disappointing, but what can I expect? A kiss? A handshake? A wave? No. He's a European so normally kisses on both cheeks are the go but we haven't done that for months.

Brother in law smiled at me in the car and said "well done sister for not rugby tackling him today!" which made me laugh. I said it was hard for me that he wasn't coming to lunch and he said "No, it's not right that he'd be coming". I appreciated that.
He's such a good BIL!

I better stop writing..this is the longest, most boring post ever!

Gals, I am feeling OK, was a bit teary after, but nothing like before. It was so normal and good to have him there. I don't know if he was testing, or cake eating, or what.

All I know is I must not initiate the next contact. Be consistent in GALing and acting as if I have moved on from our M, but not from him as father of our child.

Thanks for reading this far. Hope you are not comatosed!

[Piano]

Cripes, I should STAMP it on my brow in CAPITAL LETTERS that this is the guy who only one week ago was telling me he wants to live with OW - bring her here or go to her!!!

Ok, so he could be using it as the stick to beat me with, but I better not get lulled into a false sense of security that she's somehow "gone" just cos WAH's feeling a bit sad and lonely and cos I am currently centre of attention cos I am giving birth.

Wake up, deary.

[gatsby11]

Piano, you're hilarious. I love this tack-on post 40 minutes after the first one. I'd be the same way.

So when you guys were together, he wasn't rocking the disheveled look? It does sound like some sort of breakdown. And it sounds like he's at a low point right now. It's hard to say what that means, but all you can say right now is that he's low. And that's to be expected; he's screwing up big time.

Your BIL does sound awesome. And it sounds like you kept your head through the whole exchange, which is really the most important thing, I think.

So overall, bravo!

[gatsby11]

Answering your question now-- he is very avoidant of his mom right now. She worries me a bit because she's so smothering. Even today her FB page is full of "mothers always love unconditionally" and stuff like that. Which I imagine is a veiled message to WH. BUT I don't think he ever friended her.

I don't know his most current thoughts, of course, but she is vowing to help him through this. I hope it helps and doesn't push him farther away!

[newmama]

Piano I was looking forward all day to reading how it went with your WH! Your post was not boring, silly- you are a great writer and I love to read your thoughts! You did amazing- I was especially impressed with how you let the silence be there in between conversation- good move! I probably mentioned somewhere how my therapist recommends doing that sometimes so that WH is forced to reflect on the situation, not avoid, and can feel free to share what he wants. That is exactly what your H did!

OK so I find it interesting how your H is showing excitement about the baby but is ambiguous about being there for the birth or shortly after. Have you ever considered it could do with OW not wanting him to be there- or that he feels like it wouldn't be fair to her? Not that you could do anything about it but it is just strange how he won't commit to meeting his daughter!

Now when you talked about the old familiar interaction happening between you and your H- we all can relate. I have that from time to time as well. Old Pilot posted a thread about signs of MLC WAS "reconnecting" with LBS.You might want to check it out if you think your H fits MLC (they have As too). The main points that stood out to me: there will be times when you recognize your old H- this is him peeking through his haze. And when they finally start to come back, the LBS is the last one they connect with...they will resume old friendships, old ways of dressing, reconnect with family....all before reaching out to LBS. LBS are the first one they disconnect with when they enter their MLC though!

NOT that your H is exiting his MLC if he has one, but I found the post helpful to read to recognize signs. Gee the biggest one being that they end the A!

Oh yeah- I was happy to read that your H is looking like crap and stressing out about his life. HA! And you were holding your head high and doing fine! Well sure, your H is stressed and I am sure there is trouble in paradise with OW...but that doesn't mean the A has ended yet. (insert angry face!)

I can't believe you had the energy to bake a cake...and you are still walking around...go Piano!

[JacT]

Go Piano..thats how its done..you doing all the right things he panicking that you are doing so well without him. He certainly doent sound like a man who is reay to drop everything and move on..no way.Maybe the OW is cooling off cos she doesnt like what she doing with a married man and a new father..who knows whether these other people ever get feelings of guilt.
ps my neighbour got dropped the bomb last night.Going to see her later.It must be soemthing in the air..I tell you.

[newmama]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY PIANO! Yes, it counts! Get used to thinking of yourself as a mother!