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Originally Posted By: SecondChance
Cat04, thanks for replying.

I still don't intuitively understand what you are saying, but maybe if I hear it enough or in different ways it will make more sense to me. I don't know why I can't see it!


We all see things differently and you are too close to the situation to see it yet.

While I really hate to spell things out, because I would rather people discover their opinions on their own, I will try to be more clear. Remember this disclaimer though, this is what I see based on what you have written and my understanding of MLC. Without every minute detail, it is very possible that I could be wrong or missing something….


Originally Posted By: SecondChance
The "I don't want to do that with someone..." part - he DOES say he wants to reconcile, and I think he means it. He just wants to keep his other world too.


He wants the best of both worlds, which is considered cake eating. If you allow this, he will continue to do it. He does it because you let him. You let him because you still want this M but you don’t know yet that you also have some say in how it will turn out.

The bouncing thing with the where to live is keeping you stuck. Do you want to stay where you are? It sounds like it is a good place for you and the kids right now.

Do you want to move back to the other city? If you do and it is feesable, then you should do that regardless of whether he says it is ok or not. Your H does not own the world.

As far as getting out of the trench, right now, you have to do that alone.

Go with your coworkers and friends and do things. Go with your children and have fun. They sound like they are doing fantastic.

If your H comes around and wants to participate, smile and be friendly, expecting nothing in return from him. Like the neighbor joining you.

If he is truly afraid of you finding someone else, right now that is because you are his safety net. There is nothing wrong with that if you are ok with it, and when you are no longer ok with it, you will know.

If, down the road, you do want to move ON with your life, versus FORWARD, that will be the consequences of your H’s actions that he will have to deal with.

Originally Posted By: SecondChance
I really think the only way he might stop is if I date, or get divorced. But then he'd probably just go off on his own way anyway, blame it all on me, and then any chance of R is lost.


Right now, you are right, he would just probably go off on his own and put all of the blame on you.

If you try this simply to get him to come back, please make sure are really honestly and truly ready for him to NOT come back, because either of these actions will be you throwing down the gauntlet.

Are you ready to do that?


Feeling like the fight is gone, is probably the best thing.

Where do you go from here?

Do you just put an end to something when it isn’t what you want to do…

OR…

Do you shift the focus and start making steps forward in your life to make YOU happy, and know that he will either join you or he won’t someday…

And until that time when a choice is made, you just live for you in ways that will serve you and honor yourself...

Up to you…



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Mila, Cat04,

My WH has been pretty mean to me for about 3 years before he left. Back then he had, I think, a PA. (He said it almost happened once before this, so this would be affair #2). Then he got nice (I guess it ended). Then towards the bomb he got mean again, and coincidentally I now find out that he had decided to "take a mistress" when he left. A few months after he left, she went with some other guy. This would be attempted affair #3 over 5 or so years.

I'm thinking that he's maybe really not husband material anymore. I mean, the happenstance around a WH finding himself in a PA once is one thing. But the above?

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SCH - Affairs are big part of replay, even multiple A, from that I read....

Is he willing to talk about it?


M53 H54 D17
M33Y T38Y
Bomb OW 09/09
OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10
WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10
Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
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Mila, now he denies they ever even happened.

Now he is telling people that I am too career driven, that is why I won't come to live with the family in HIS CITY!! Can you believe it?!!

I guess the only thing that matters, in the long run, is that the kids and the people close who care about me know the truth. Who cares what he tells the rest of the universe, who have nothing to do with me anyway.

If things don't work out with WH, maybe being on my own won't be so bad. I mean I'm terrified financially, but I have a good career so I probably shouldn't be. Always thought of the husband as provider, but doesn't have to be that way.

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SCH - How frustrating confused

Originally Posted By: SecondChance
now he denies they ever even happened.

Now he is telling people that I am too career driven, that is why I won't come to live with the family in HIS CITY!! Can you believe it?!!


I can believe it...he is still denying, blaming, justifying and projecting his guilt onto you.

I think that he still has ways to go. Slowly does it. He is definitely peeking out...he wants to reconcile....but he still doesn't have it all figured out.

Hang in there (((hugs)))


M53 H54 D17
M33Y T38Y
Bomb OW 09/09
OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10
WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10
Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
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SC,

Something that I tend to believe is that there are often multiple affairs with MLC.

The MLCer is searching for something to make them happy.

That takes many forms, gambling, drinking, making over their body, shopping, and yes, other people.

All of it, is a direct result of them running from the pain that they are feeling. Doing anything they can to avoid having to look inside of them selves and deal with things.

We get blamed because they can’t acknowledge any other thing as the source of their unhappiness.

We then get pulled back, receive mixed messages, because on some level, they do know that it is not because of us and that they are not really as certain of their choices as they want people to think.

They lie.

To us, to others, to themselves.

This is the reason that it is necessary to take the focus off of them. If we don’t, we will end up as confused as they are.

Originally Posted By: SecondChance
Always thought of the husband as provider, but doesn't have to be that way.


Yes in many households this is true, however, we are living in a time where it does not have to be.

Part of MLC, part of the LBS journey through MLC, is to change our thinking. Our views of the world, love, life, ourselves, our children, and our prescribed roles, and yes, even our spouses.

Don’t be afraid of things that challenge your old beliefs. You may be surprised what you learn…



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Wise words Cat, very wise indeed! Wonderful post, thank you.

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Great post Cat!

Second, as for your h now telling people that you are career driven, it is another excuse to say that things may not work out. Again, he's putting the blame on you and your life. He's not owning up to the fact that he's lied throughout all of this and continues to lie to everyone including himself.

My advice, give him plenty of space and time. While he's choking on his space and time, turn your focus back on to you, your family, and life. If you don't, you'll be going in circles for a very long time. Please don't buy into his garbage because that is all it is...justifying why he can't return home.

Enjoy your Mother's Day w/your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mila, Cat, SA, and Snodderly,

All I can say right now is thank you so much for your posts. They mean the world to me, really! They make me smile, they make me feel a bit understood, and that I am not alone in this.

Had a really nice mother's day, I love my kids, they are wonderful smile And even had my parents over for BBQ!

- SCh

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SCH - Glad that you had a nice Mother's Day smile


M53 H54 D17
M33Y T38Y
Bomb OW 09/09
OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10
WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10
Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
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