My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[awest1217]

Have fun this weekend at the beach! Live it up!

[nicole8]

Well I did not make it to the beach today. H came over and wanted to talk d again....he is pushing for me to sign the papers. He still doesn't know what will make him happy. But a d needs to happen in his opinion because he is unhappy, gets a lump in his throat when he comes over, doesn't miss me or the dog or his fishing dock. He is broken, tired and damaged goods in his opinion and it isn't fair to me. I guess it is fair to the ow???

H doesn't want anything from the d. He just wants out and I can have everything. He is a liar about the ow.... But I still truly think he is deeply depressed. He said today that he is broken and he isn't taking drugs or going to see a psych dr. Apparently getting help for yourself isn't an idea that makes sense to him...

I told him I would agree to the d and look into keeping the house. However, I am not going to do anything more beyond that. If he wants to give up and get a d then he is going to have to work for it. I am pretty sure we will have to sell the house ( at a loss, thank you h)...

[TimeHeals]

He is broken, tired and damaged goods in his opinion and it isn't fair to me. I guess it is fair to the ow???

I got a similiar spiel: " I can't be in a marriage where I have done something like this and where I need to be forgiven".

Etc, etc, etc.

It must be a script of sorts.

[awest1217]

I have heard the same thing many times, and now H is terrified of D, but won't come home either. Anyway think of it this way (I always try to put a positive spin), H loves you enough and has enough respect for you that he doesn't want you to keep dealing with his stupidness. Now I understand that you don't want the D, and love H a lot, but at least it is a good way to think about it.

Maybe you can go to the beach today.

[TimeHeals]

Anyway think of it this way (I always try to put a positive spin), H loves you enough and has enough respect for you that he doesn't want you to keep dealing with his stupidness.

I am not so sure I would believe this. If there was a lot of respect, would a WAS in an EA keep having the EA?

Could it just be that they still cling to the fantasy of the EA but realize that the old excuses they were making don't work on you anymore? Anyway, it still seems like they are blaming the LBS (it's your fault I can't come back because you don't deserve this).

What I don't here in that explanation is the spouse owning that it is they who are giving up on the M.

[nicole8]

It does in a way feel as if my h is blaming me by sayinig "I don't deserve this and I deserve to be happy and he has made me miserable". I find it interesting that he is making the decisions for me.

The even more puzzling thing is that he WILL NOT admit to the ea or whatever it is. I've pointed out so many things and he will just deny it over and over. He'll tell me, fine if you want to call me a dirt bag then fine.

[nicole8]

Now more than ever I think my h is having a mid-life crisis brought on by the death of his father. He has created this reality for himself that he is a horrible worthless person. He doesn't have any clue what he wants. I read something interesting today, "personal happiness is pursue through the relationship not first by the elimination of the relationship". I thought this made some sense.

I also find it interesting that yesterday my h asked if I looked into myself being able to refinance the house... I told him I had done some work on it. Then he told me an offer came in the mail from our lender offering 2% interest. He thought maybe I could call and see if we qualified because we are looking at a possible d. Really, a possible d? WTF? I really think he has no clue where reality is at all.

I also find it interesting snd it does Hurt my feelings too, that he only feels the lump he gets in his throat when he comes over to our house... That makes a person feel really good. Yep! Then I remembered that this is the reality and justification he is trying to convince himself is the reason why he wants a d.

Arrrrggghhh! I am grumpy.

[TimeHeals]

Greetings fellow citizen of limboland.

I don't think it does any good to try and read a wayward spouse. Not that I take that advice or act on it. I have done, and I continue to try and read mine, but everytime I seem to be settling into a comfort zone, something happens to upset that balance.

Reading your thread is preparing me for it to continue for a while after W. leaves our home.

I guess we just have to keep our chins up and appreciate all that is good in our lives.

[nicole8]

Fellow limboLand citizen.... Yes limbo will continue for quite sometime. I have learned that most of what my h says isn't true or even part of reality. However, there are instances when I have seen him and he does seem to have been here on planet earth and speaks some of the language I understand. I really cannot do anything for the internal crisis my h is fighting.... Actually there is one thingi can do and that is be his friend.

The other thing I have come to realize is that he really doesn't need anyone telling him what to do. He also needs to feel more needed and/or wanted. I'm unsure how to accomplish this when he is staying at his moms house. He has said in the past that I have all control over our money and finances. Which is true, we have both let it happen that way. Then he gets mad and feels helpless when he doesn't know something about our situation financially. So how can I change these things in our life and for that matter how can I make him feel needed and wanted?

Feeling needed is a basic human need in my opinion. I think the ow doesn't need him snd he thinks I don't so the answer in his head is d. Does this make sense? My h thinks he is damaged goods as he put it and he said himself that he is in a crisis.... Really you think? I still love him and it is so hard to watch him do this to him and to us.

[TrentC]

I think the ow doesn't need him snd he thinks I don't so the answer in his head is d.

But you don't know that. We tell people all of the time that mind-reading is fruitless because you can't know how he feels because he may not know how he feels.

That is also why we say pay attention to his actions, not his words. He may say whatever he is feeling at the moment, where his actions will be a truer indicator of how he feels. (It also avoids the tendency to rewrite history in the mind of the WAS.)