I have been following you for quite awhile. I don't usually have much to add, but I wanted you to know your strength, that has been oozing out of your posts is inspiring to me. You may not see your growth. Kinda like I don't see my 25lb loss...I still see the 155 pounder in the mirror. Maybe cuz we are focused on our kiddos and the 200 pounder we've lost!!! Anyway...Thanks for the inspiration!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
WhatNow....thankyou so much for writing! We can't always see what others see in us and I appreciate your comments. I am the same way with the weight loss...I have had so many people tell me how "tiny" I am now and, like you, when I look in the mirror, I still see the heavier me! I have been told that I need to do mirror work...when we look in the mirror and look at what we don't like, and not the physical appearance, but "who" we are and what we want to change about ourselves...I think that when we do the work, change what we don't like, then we will like what we see in the mirror! We are still "seeing" the same ol' us right now and as we work on ourselves, we will see us differently!
Hope this makes sense...not sure if I worded that very well!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
It once amazed me how anorexics could look in the mirror and see fat. Now I know what they are talking about. That has also helped me understand how my H sees things in such a distorted manner.
The "who" part is a whole lot harder to "see" and figure out. An always on-going work in progress... Our Mirror in this case tends to be other people. Our most significant other has turned into a fun-house mirror, so we are learning to rely on other mirrors now...
The weight loss was unintentional BTW. It was more like 40, but as I recovered from the initial trauma, it came back. Seems to have leveled off here, I'm 5'8" so I feel good here at this weight. Then again, I felt ok b4 too!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Not much to report...H called yesterday to ask what was going on this weekend. Told him kids and I had plans Sunday but that we didn't have anything "concrete" going on Sat...I suggested he could call when he got off work and we'd see what was going on...well, he didn't call at all. Luckily, SS29 had asked if S14 wanted to do something with him and D11 and I were invited to go shopping with a friend and her daughter, kinda last minute, so that they were not sitting around waiting for their Dad to call! S14 talked to me tonight and was upset that his Dad did not call when he said he would!
Was thinking that neither of my kids have called their Dad much at all since he left. Wondering if I should encourage them to call him more or just leave it up to them? With school being out soon, they will have more of an opportunity to talk with him during the day before he goes to bed....or...do I just let them handle it as they see fit?
My plans for today were to clean, get groceries, pay bills and get garden plants but, did a 180 and decided it would be fun to go with my friend and just shop for fun! So glad I did! Normally, I don't like to "stray" from my plan!
Tomorrow, we will go see that Christian motivational speaker who was born with no limbs...so excited to hear his message!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hi CW, the kid's relationship with their dad has been a concern of mine also. When my H first left he was very attentive to our D's, especially D11. He called her twice a day. 7 months in now and he doesn't call them at all except on the day he's coming to take them out to let them know what time he'll be here to pick them up. He takes the D's out once a week as a general rule and spends a few hours with them. He will respond (usually) if one of the kids have a question by either texting them or phone. S23 hasn't spoken to his dad since the day he left.
Since the kids are a little older I've let them figure out their relationship with their father. I just pray that if their dad ever wakes up there will be time to repair some of the damage to their relationships. I'm just trying to be the best I can be to help fill in the gaps in the mean time.
At first I resented and was mainly scared by being left "holding the bag". As this sitch has progressed I thank God that I'm not one who will have to deal with how I believe I would feel about what I'd done and the damage I had caused through my actions. It would kill me to wake up and realize that I had lost the respect of my children.
My D11 broke my heart the other day at school. She came to me crying because in her ELA class they had a discussion of what makes a house a home. She said Momma, "I just want my daddy back, not the daddy he is now, the daddy he used to be." I didn't say it to her, but I thought to myself, me too, sweetheart, me too.
About your H not calling the kids. I think he needs to hear that the kids are disappointed and miss him. When it comes to kids and parents, the PARENTS (your H) are supposed to call the kids and reach out! They are the adults!
But a schedule could help with this too. I have read other threads where the LBS does tell their kids to call their dad. It can help to get the dad to not feel like he has screwed up so much that his guilt gets deeper and deeper and his distance grows.
What do you think about this CW? Pros and cons?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I encouraged the relationship between the kids and their dad during our first sep. H for the most part, went along, esp if I was involved. H made very little initiation.
This time, I have stayed out of it and H hardly contacts them at all. It is heartbreaking for the kids. They go thru much of what we do; Am I not enough? What is wrong with me? Why is she more important than me?
It did not seem to make much difference whether I set things up for visitation or the kids did. They still know it is not him seeking out their company.
I got all "mama bear" in March, after he had stood them up...again. He says he wants a R with them but they do not call him. I told him and the kids that I did not want him contacting the kids. I haven't enforced this as a rule, just said this is what I wished. This has actually helped. The kids no longer feel responsible for the R and see him if they want and ignore if they want.
H's mother has always been nuts. (I suspect she has been MLC for thirty years. At some point tho, I think it becomes a BPD.) B/c of that it was easy to explain that Daddy has what Grandma has, and the mental illness has nothing to do with them.
Given all this, abandonment of the kids still AMAZES me.
There is nothing adult about my H's thinking and behavior. He is exactly the the same as my ego centric teenagers. (Ego centric is normal for teenagers). Although I amazed he behaves this way, I have stopped expecting anything different,, and try to help my kids do the same.
Yes, We all "want old daddy back".
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
